warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," disgusting.
Day 60, Tuesday
Draco wakes up early and goes to the kitchen. What will he cook for breakfast this morning? Eggs? Toast? Hash browns? Crepes? He arrives in the kitchen and notices something black scurry across the countertop.
Draco: What was that??? (he sneaks closer) A BUG! A ROACH!! (high pitched scream) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (runs, screaming)
In Bedroom Number Two, the high pitched noise can be heard, and Lupin sits bolt upright -
Lupin: What - WHO! (reaches around for wand)
Snape(opens eye): .... Draco.....
Black: zzzz (rolls over)
Lupin(looks down at Snape): What do you suppose that's about?
Snape(gets up): Something worth investigating.
Lupin: good, you do that.. (rolls over)
Downstairs, Snape finds Draco curled up in a ball on the sofa, yelling to Bertie and gesturing towards the kitchen.
Draco: Go! Make yourself useful! it's in THERE! EAT IT!
Snape: ... Draco-
Draco: AGH! (whips head to face Snape): YOU ARE WORSE THAN THEY ARE!! Don't SCARE me like that!
Snape: Worse than who?
Draco: Er... well, I found some... visitors in the kitchen - I was hoping Bertrum would make herself useful and eat them.
Snape(slight frown): "visitors." (he turns and strides into the kitchen; Draco hops down off the sofa and follows meekly)
Snape scans the kitchen.... he does not note anything out of order.
Snape: Where... the visitors?
Draco(points at counter): It must be hiding behind the sugar jar.
Snape: Then we'll move the jar. (he does so - sure enough, out runs the roach. Snape slams his fist onto it without the slightest flinch; Draco turns his head away)
Draco: That is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!
Snape(steps to sink, washes roach remains off hand): They have their uses..I own a book on the magical uses of all bugs of the order Blattaria.
Draco: That's not one I'm about to borrow anytime soon.
Snape: (frowns) No, it wouldn't be particularly useful to you.. (scans room again) I also have no need of German cockroaches at present.. (sits at table) Don't expect me to smash every one I see. Too many for that.
Draco(goes white): too many?
Snape: If you can see one.... there are countless others.
Draco: .. I don't like this. What am I supposed to do? THIS IS MY KITCHEN!
Snape: Keep it very clean.. (pause) With magic... this would not be a problem.... but..... (frowns in thought) Borid Acid.
Draco: WHAT?
Snape(to self): ... where, though? Perhaps in a household cleaner? Go find the cleaners, Draco. I'll see what might work.
Draco: To kill the.. them?
Snape: Yes.
Draco: Ok. Breakfast can wait. (exit)
Shortly after nine, Lupin and Black come downstairs and find a full attack in the kitchen. Draco creeps around spraying the sink and cabinet insides with all sorts of cleaning solution. Snape is at the counter, making dough in a bowl.
Lupin: What are you doing???
Draco: WE HAVE GUESTS!
Black: Actually, we've been living here for quite some time, Draco.
Draco(to Snape): haha - he thinks I mean them.
Snape: I thought you did.
Draco: Close enough, wouldn't you say?
Snape: mm hm.
Lupin(inspects the dough): I thought there was a moratorium on Snape food. What is this? (sticks finger in it - Snape seizes him by the wrist) hey!
Snape: Don't eat that.
Black: Hah - he doesn't let anyone taste it.
Snape: ... want to try it, Black?
Black: Of course not! It's probably poisoned.
Snape: .. actually, yes.
Black(cheerfully): Ah, glad he's admitting it finally!
Lupin: (looks at the dough on his finger).. er... what is this, Severus?
Snape: Roach bait.
Draco: hahah - they almost ate it.
Lupin: Roach?
Snape: Draco discovered they have moved in..
Black: WHAT! IMPOSSIBLE.
Snape: ... prepare yourselves.
Lupin(washes hand): How are we to wage a battle on roaches without any magic?
Draco: Clearly the muggles haven't yet discovered a way of eliminating them. Stupid muggles.
Snape: Borax, apparently? I'm guessing.
Black: You mean you don't KNOW something?
Snape: I am hardly the expert on muggle pest control, Black. I thought you'd know more about pests than I do..
Black(all in good cheer): Cheap shot, cheap shot. (opens refrigerator) When was the last time I had a square meal? I think the bugs are probably eating better than I am these days!
Snape: You'll have to be careful about leaving food all over the place..
Black: I plan to EAT the food, actually! If I can find any - what is THIS? (pulls out an object covered in plastic wrap, a vague shade of blue)
Draco(glances over shoulder): er... I'm not sure what that was originally.. but...
Black: Remus, won't you cook for us?
Lupin: I'm curious to see if we can survive without it.
Black: I think that should be clear.
Lupin: To think, I was even vacuuming the other day, and now Draco spots a roach.. cruel irony, that..
Draco: Yes, well, you can clean some more.
Lupin: "Remus, COOK! CLEAN!" What am I - the housewife!?
Snape: I thought that was established long ago.
Lupin: Damn it.
Snape(has finished dough): Here, Draco. You can put this in corners - any holes in the base boards need to be filled.
Draco: Why do I have to do it?!
Snape(matter-of-fact): Because you don't want to get on my bad side.
Draco: Ok. (takes bowl of dough)
Black(still in fridge): Ok... pickles it is. (pulls out jar, exits)
Lupin: Pickles - what kind of breakfast is that?
Black(from hall): Breakfast of WIZARDS!
Lupin: Maybe I should cook.
Draco: Yes, please.
Snape: I'm curious to see who reverts to cannibalism first.
Lupin: Actually, Sirius bet on you, and I bet on Draco.
Snape: (glares at him)
Draco: ON ME!? You didn't see Professor Snape crush that roach with his bare first today!!
Lupin(grimacing, but amused): Perhaps I bet wrong.
Snape: Come now, Lupin - it's one thing to crush a roach, but to touch any of you...
Draco: haha - HEY, am I included in that?
Snape(deadpan): Tantalizing though your hair may be, Draco, you don't have to worry about me trying to eat you.
Draco: Well, that's .. reassuring.
Lupin: This conversation is becoming a little odd.
Snape: Yes, go finish off the pickles.
Lupin(opens refrigerator): I was thinking more along the lines of egg omelette.
Later in the afternoon, Sirius Black sees one of the visitors as he watches TV in the den.
Black: AH! THERES ONE! (it scuttles across the room at the base of the wall; Black watches in fascination) Well - I suppose I shouldn't give them the run of the house.. (grabs empty pickle jar, chugs the remaining juice, then approaches the roach. It pauses; Black jumps forward and captures it under the jug) HAH! Now... must find something else to pick it up with.. (looks about room, sees nothing, exit)
Elsewhere:
Draco, in the death throes of boredom, is trying to rearrange the muggle books in the living room bookshelf in alphabetical order by author last name.
Draco: hm... (pulls out an old one) Marriner.. hm.. Ok.. (puts it in the M pile, which is 3 feet high next to the sofa) Ah... (takes another one) Ok - Stark ..Another S? These muggles... (puts it in the S pile - little does he notice the entrance of Bertrum, who pads over to him and rubs against his leg) AGHHHHH! (jumps back, expecting to find the worst, and knocks down a pile of N's.) CAT!! NOW you show up!!
Bertrum: (sets down a dead cockroach)
Draco: THAT IS DISGUSTING - EAT THAT! - You're worse than Professor Snape - at least he washes his down the sink!! Oh, this house is turning into a jungle! I have always suspected, of course! Now you've made me knock over the books! WELL..(shakes head) I'm going to have to clean up that... no.. let someone else touch it - disgusting (stalks out of room)
Bertie: Meo??
In the kitchen, Blacks finds a paper towel, and takes it back to the den where his prey awaits. He passes Lupin in the hall.
Black: Hah - this one's got it coming!
Lupin(confused): -what?
Black(keeps going): It won't know what hit it?
Lupin(to audience): I'm becoming alarmed....
Three hours, Snape enters the living room to settle down with a book, and finds no less than 30 books spread out in various directions, and dead cockroach remainds. Bertrum sits on his sofa, curled in a ball and licking her paw.
Snape(stands imperiously before the scene): Bertrum...... what is this?
Bertie: (looks up)
Snape: I hope you're not responsible for all of this... Certainly not the books..
Lupin(strolls in): Oh, good... this one's talking to the cat now, I see..
Snape: Lupin. Did you do this? (gestures at floor)
Lupin: hah - certainly not..
Snape: (sighs) Draco then.. I can't see Black having the initiative..
Lupin: I can't either-- perhaps my bet wasn't so bad after all?
Snape: Perhaps we're going to be eaten alive by the roaches after all the food runs out.
Lupin: Let's hope for that then.