warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," food abuse..
Day 63, Friday
Following the early morning roach attack, Sirius Black winds up sleeping in Bedroom Number THREE with no sheets on the bed. "Leave Snape to his family members."
Around 830 Friday morning he returns to Bedroom Number Two, where Snape is collecting shower supplies.
Black: Hah. (stands in doorway)
Snape: .... something in your throat, Black?
Black: Thought you could drive me out of the room, did you?
Snape: ... I wasn't about to take credit for the roaches' work, but... that did seem to be the end result..
Black: (strides across the room and glares at Snape) .... What.. did you do to my bed?
Snape(stares back levelly): Just a little roach bait.
Black: It wasn't POISONED, was it?
Snape: ... just to prove a point.. that not every food product I put my hand to is poisoned.
Black: grrrr....!! FOOD FIT FOR ROACHES!
Snape: No need to lose your temper, Black..
Black: This is not the end, Snivellus, it's just the beginning..
Snape: Feel free to move your belongings out of the room at any time. (sweeps past him imperiously)
Black: WAIT-
(Lupin appears in the doorway - Snape walks straight into him)
Lupin: Agh-
Snape: Damn it, Lupin - watch where you're going!
Lupin: What's going on in here?
Snape: I was just leaving, excuse me.
Black: HOLD HIM, REMUS - I'M NOT DONE WITH HIM-
Snape(glares threateningly): Don't touch me, Lupin! (motions him aside, continues on to bathroom)
Black: Aww, why didn't you stop him?
Lupin: Sirius - PEACE in our time!!
Black(sighs as he collects clothes): Between the two of you, I'm going to wind up dead - just watch - just-- (sniffs) AGH, but these robes STILL smell like PINE TREES.
Lupin(snickers): What did you do?
Black: I Don't know. I washed them. With soap. Must have been pine soap.. (frowns, musing - spots a roach) ANOTHER ONE!
Lupin: don't- (turns again) Ok, I'm going to cook breakfast.
Black(chases after roach; it hides): That is NOT the proper segue from Roach to Breakfast, Remus! You're as bad as Snape - roaches should not make one hungry!
Lupin(from hallway): SHUT UP AND TAKE A SHOWER!
Black(shakes head): They're all against me. Snape, Remus.. the roach army. I wouldn't be surprised if the damned ceiling started to collapse in select areas above my head....
Lupin cooks breakfast for himself, since neither Black nor Snape appears in the kitchen until mid afternoon.
Lupin: err... I like omelettes?
1400hrs:
Black walks into the kitchen, armed with the bottle of 409; it hangs at his side, hooked into a robe pocket as if from a hip holster. He scans the kitchen -- no signs of life.
Black: Well. I guess I'll eat something today. Hm.. (opens pantry, looks in) Something with garlic.. something to dispel the pine scent.. Hm...
Meanwhile:
Snape is in the sun room reading "Reference Grammar of the Dutch Language." Lupin passes by - notes the title of the book and then pauses.
Lupin: Severus, what are you reading?
Snape: ...muggle book..
Lupin: Do you even speak Dutch?
Snape: Not particularly.
Lupin: (chuckles) Surely there are more... relevant muggle books in this house?
Snape: I haven't seen you reading any.
Lupin: True, but I've been reading your books, which are relevant. Some of them frighteningly so.
Snape(glances up): It's good to be well read in a variety of subjects.
Lupin: Indeed. (sniffs) I think Sirius is in the kitchen.
Snape(sniffs): I don't smell anything. (sniffs again) Oh.. (frowns) Clearly...
Lupin: Smells like garlic. What is he doing? Garlic is not going to kill any roaches..
Snape: May kill off one of us.. (scowls) What is he doing to it??
Lupin(grins): I'm not sure I want to know. He probably put it in the microwave or something.
Snape(scoffs): you have such faith in him.
Lupin: It's Sirius in the kitchen....
Speaking of Sirius in the kitchen - he has an apron on, and is frying up garlic in a pan on the stove. He pushes it around needlessly with a spatula as it cooks.
Black: hmmm hmmm (hums, sniffs) Ok... what should I add to the garlic? What else is in the pantry? (goes back to pantry, searches through) you know... The things one finds in the back of the pantry.. I mean... cans of pickled beets? (pushes them aside, sticks head farther in) What -- WHAT! IS THAT A DEAD ROACH!? Oh... heh, that's a bay leaf. hmm - ahh, what's this? (pulls out bag) Dear -- How old are these potatoes!!? (sniffs, grimaces in horror, dumps bag on floor, returns to search) Flour... ok... Can't really use that... I dont want breaded garlic.. what about... pasta? Where's the pasta in here? (roots through. The garlic in the pan meanwhile begins to burn; Black pulls out an unlabelled bag) What's this?? (sniffs experimentally - begins coughing) AHG - agh - What! - ahg! whew -- that is some strong chili powder.. What's it doing in a BAG? Who's been in this pantry!? I bet the little Malfoy put it in as some sort of deterrent.. Wouldn't be surprised if I found feather boas on the top shelf...
Back in the sun room:
Lupin(scowls): Oh - how can he burn GARLIC?
Snape: Incompetent..
Lupin: I'm going in -
Snape: Don't waste your time..
Lupin: It could be the difference between having a place to sleep tonight or being in the tires outside! (exit)
Back in the kitchen:
Black(still in pantry): AHHH CHOOO! Damn chili powder- (sniffles) Great, Sirius, start an allergic reaction while you're at it... Pasta! HAH (backs out of pantry, box in hand) That was entirely too - (glimpses the grey smoke rising from the pan at the stove) Uh oh.. (dashes to stove; Enter Lupin)
Lupin: Sirius - What are you doing? (coughs at smoke) Are you trying to set off that alarm again?
Black: (waving smoke around) Nope! No, no - never fear... I'm just.. er... took my eye off the stove for a minute!
Lupin(smirks): Sirius... Why don't you take the pan off the heat?
Black: Quiet - I am. (puts pan on other burner) Yes. (waves hand) Now no need to worry..
Lupin: Are you trying to ward off vampires? What is this garlic all about?
Black: Stop this smarmy investigation!
Lupin(shrugs): Ok... I'll not even attempt to make tea until you're out of the kitchen.
Black: yes! Now I can understand why Draco was always so protective of the kitchen.... people coming in and overseeing!
Lupin: I'm going! (exit)
Hours later, we find Snape in the front yard, slowly arranging tires in seemingly random designs on the ground. He stands back and looks ponderously, hand to chin. After consideration, he steps forward and moves the closest tire to his left a foot...
2100hrs:
Lupin and Black are watching TV in the den.
Black: You know, Remus. I haven't had any alcohol in some time.
Lupin(covers nose): Yes, please have some.. anything to get rid of that garlic.
Black: Hey, I haven't smelled anything pine in hours!
Lupin: I haven't smelled anything other than garlic in hours!
Black(looks in cabinet for bottle): What will you have?
Lupin: Oh anything. Perhaps if I drink enough the garlic will go away.
Black: It's not THAT bad!
Lupin: You ate it!!
Black: Oh for crying out loud..!
TBC