Warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," tyromancy is divination from (coagulation of) cheese.
Day 46-47, Friday Saturday Highlights
Mid-Late afternoon:
Snape heads into the living room with his latest reading material, "Decorating Your Country Cottage." His expression is quite morose. Then he notices on the wall above the huntboard a drawing in green crayon where the picture would have hung. It's a sloppy landscape ala Constable. He stands, grimacing at it-
A squirrel runs in, pauses when it sees Snape, then tries to creep along the wall out of sight.
Snape: Five year olds, squirrels, and a werewolf.. what a household..
Enter Lord Voldemort.
Voldemort: Ahh, Severus, you are admiring my wall art..
Snape: First lawn art, then wall art. I am anxiously awaiting the advent of toilet bowl art.
Voldemort(chortle): No, Dada is a bit out-modish, even for the Dark Lord..(spots the sneaking squirrel) We really have to do something about these furry friends of ours. Bertrum got one yesterday, but there are still some half a dozen, wouldn't you say?
Snape: I was sick Sunday... mercifully.
Voldemort: Don't worry - this time they'll probably have us chasing jack rabbits around.. (They can see Sirius Black going through the hall on tiptoe..) What do you suppose that one's up to?
Snape: Ice cream.
Voldemort(whispers conspiratorially): You don't think they've discovered it's back in the freezer, do you?
Snape: I'm finding it difficult to care at this point.. (collapses grumpily on sofa, opens book)
Voldemort(notes book title, amused): Do you have a country cottage, Severus?
Snape(not looking up): No.
Voldemort: Are you planning to decorate one anytime soon?
Snape(not looking up): This is not my book.
Voldemort: AH HAH! You HAVE run out of reading material! I WIN!!!
Snape(looks up): Win what?
Voldemort: Bet with Albus. I said week 7. He said week 9 before you ran out of reading material.
Snape: I beg your pardon. I have not run out of reading material; I am simply too lazy to go upstairs and fetch one of my own books. This was on the coffee table in the den.
Voldemort(disappointed): Are you close to running out?
Snape(irritably): No.
Voldemort: (sighs, sits next to Snape on sofa) You know, when I become supreme leader of the pureblood wizarding world, they will write many books about me and my legacy. One volume -- or perhaps two (pauses to regard Snape), I am leaning towards two, yes -- will be about my trials working with a one Severus Snape, the most anti-social, disagreeable potions expert and (lower voice severely) double agent there ever was. (continues conversationally) You don't know how I try to convince myself that it's in my best interests to just kill you. But I can't bring myself to believe it. One of these days I shall lose my temper and do it anyway, then I'll feel quite sorry about it for a good week or so --
Snape: (still trying to read) Now would be a good time, actually...
Voldemort: (eyes narrow) It won't be the killing curse - that's too easy. Something slow and painful. Maybe I'll force feed you ice cream for the first three hours: sweet French vanilla with overripe strawberries... and that pre-sweetened whipped cream from a can, with little pieces of chocolate -- muggle milk chocolate, not dark or bittersweet--
(Snape scowls -- But they are interrupted by Draco's loud scream)
Draco(from kitchen): GET OUT OF THERE!!
Black: AHA HAHAHHAHA! (runs by in hall, brandishing an ice cream sandwich in each hand) THE ICE CREAM BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN!
Draco(running after him): YOU'LL PAY, BLACK!!
Voldemort(thoughtfully): I don't think anyone cares about catching the rest of the squirrels these days.
(Enter Lupin, from same hallway; he also has an ice cream sandwich. He sits in arm chair)
Lupin: Good afternoon.
Voldemort: You're looking well, given that tonight is full moon.
Lupin: Nothing like an ice cream raid to bring color to the cheeks.
Snape: There is to be no reading today, I can see. (storms off; Lupin and Voldemort shrug; long pause)
Voldemort: .... would you like to play.... Scrabble?
Lupin(considering): .... Do I get your soul if I win?
Voldemort: I would not joke about that if I were you, Mr. Lupin. No, we shall play just to wile away the afternoon. How's that?
Lupin: Ok....
Meanwhile; Black is still being pursued by Draco - he runs upstairs - ducks into Bedroom Number Two and slams door shut.
Draco(nearly runs into it): AGH! BLACK!!!
Black(leaning against door): hahahhaha!!
Draco(shaking fist): MAY IT HAVE MELTED BY NOW!
(Dumbledore appears at the end of the hall, having come from his bedroom; he strolls down to Draco)
Dumbledore: What's all the fuss? Surely ice cream must be involved..
Draco: That fiend has snuck more ice cream! (points at door angrily)
Dumbledore: You shouldn't encourage him..
Draco(runs hand over hair, which looks appropriately prickly): I'll have to devise a plan.. a decoy...
Dumbledore: I do encourage you to do that. (raises voice at door) Though I do not encourage ice cream thieves to run off and leave their friends to fend for themselves. Who knows what traps await the unthinking accomplice?
Black(yells back through door): Remus is no unthinking accomplice! BESIDES, I was drawing away the guards - he's probably gorged himself on the remaining sandwiches by now!
Draco(alleyes): WHAT!!! A DOUBLE ATTACK - I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! (runs back down stairs)
(Door opens and Black's grinning head appears; he holds out an ice cream sandwich for Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: Ah, good, it's been a while.
Black: hehe - he probably thought the other one was for Remus...
Dumbledore: Naturally...
Black: Where is Remus anyway...?
4 hours later-
Voldemort is hunched over the scrabble board, glaring in the dusk as Lupin places a word using the O in 'fjord.'
Voldemort: Obelize - impossible.
Lupin(smiles wearily): Double word score.
Voldemort(offended): You're not supposed to know words like obelize.
Lupin(shrugs): 36 points.
Voldemort: But.... I won't argue with the Z....I have just the word..
Lupin(eyes narrow as Voldemort places tiles): I knew I shouldn't have left it out in the open....
Voldemort: Indeed - give the enemy no opportunities..Now you can do something with 'azymous.'
Lupin: .. With a Y no less!
Voldemort: (adds up his score on pad; smiles darkly) I'm up by 7.
Lupin(glares at the Y in azymous): 'tyromancy' a bit long..
Voldemort: I took a class in tyromancy once. (Lupin glances up) We used Limburger in the third lesson... I didn't finish that class.
Lupin(chuckles in spite of himself): that's terrible.. (back to board) 'tyroma' works, though.
Voldemort: you always find the double word scores. But I don't know why you try, I'm destined to win this game-
Lupin: Not over yet-- (suddenly gulps - as if swallowed a drink down the wrong pipe)
Voldemort: What - (realization) Oh.. tonight's the full moon, is it?
Lupin(jumps to feet, wide-eyed): --
Voldemort: RUN, you idiot!
(Lupin makes a dash for the Diary Room- shortest way possible, through kitchen to hall past laundry room and closet; but in the kitchen; Draco appears standoffishly in his way-- jumping side to side to block him from leaving)
Draco: HEY! We need to talk!! You have been hiding at the side of the Dark Lord all afternoon, even through dinner and-
Lupin: (gasp) AGh-- GO!
Draco: Now don't go pretending you're transforming NOW when I finally catch you, I Know-
Lupin: -- (beyond words - rigid in pain - sprouting hair, jaw lengthening obscenely)
Draco(terrified): uh- o-- (turns and flees down hallway) WEREWOLF!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!
(The howls can be heard from the kitchen; squirrels dart about in terror)
The werewolf charges into the living room, but Voldemort has already evacuated - the werewolf KNOWS, and follows the smell into the hallway -
Voldemort: (looks over shoulder) Uh oh.. (runs to nearest room as the snarling beast charges at him) BATHROOM SANCTUARY!! (Slams door - claws and teeth clash against it from the other side; Voldemort leans against the door, panting heavily) bloody.. human form.... so frail.. ah....(suddenly struck) BERTRUM!!
Draco has fled upstairs to his room, and so the first floor is inhabited only by a few squirrels, Bertrum, and Voldemort, who is now hiding out in the bathroom. The werewolf catches a terrified squirrel and makes short work of it. Bertrum flees to the sun room and hides under the sofa. The werewolf growls at her, but catches the scent of a nearby squirrel and charges off to find it.
Meanwhile Dumbledore and Black are upstairs in Bedroom Number Three playing cards when they hear Draco pounding up the stairs--
Dumbledore(frowns): ..... Did Remus ever go to the Diary Room?
Black: Uhh.. I didn't... see him go, but I assume ....(trails off, shocked)
Draco: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (door slams shut down the hall)
(the hungry werewolf comes tearing up the staircase, growling)
Black: REMUS! (jumps up, transforms into black dog)
BigBrother: No using magic, Mr. Black!
Dumbledore: But Big Brother-
BigBrother: THE NO MAGIC RULE STILL UPHOLDS, HOUSEMATES!
Black(turns back into himself; slams bedroom door shut): Ok, he's on his own then..
Dumbledore: I'm sure the others can take care of themselves.
Black: yeah...Draco looked himself in his bedroom just now, didn't he?
Dumbledore: I wonder about Severus...?
Cut to Bedroom Number Two--
Snape is sitting atop Draco's old bed (the high bunk on his side); glaring over the side at the werewolf who is currently tearing apart one of his books below.
Snape: LUPIN! DAMNED WOLF! Of all the books.....
Werewolf: (snarls; tears up bed sheets, drags pillow onto floor)
Snape: I will kill him...
(The werewolf paces around, trying to figure a way to catch the trapped prey.. it jumps on Snape's bed and tries to bite at him from below)
Snape: Lupin! Dead! (pulls out wand)
BigBrother: Don't even think about it, Professor Snape.
Snape(white with fury): LATER!
0030hrs
Voldemort cautiously cracks open the bathroom door; listens breathlessly...... in the madness to escape, no one has turned on any lights, so he must rely on his ears: crickets chirping outside -- sudden scuttling as a squirrel runs down the dark hallway..
Voldemort: Bertrum??
(no response)
Voldemort: If he ate my cat.........
0220
Bedroom Number Two-
Snape is still on the top bunk; the werewolf is still pacing below, looking up and snarling when it catches his glance.
Snape: Why don't you go eat a squirrel? Eat that damned cat.
Werewolf: (growls, baring teeth)
Snape: Ice cream sandwich?
Werewolf: (snarls)
Snape: (sighs in exasperation)
0300
Bedroom Number One:
Draco: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
0400
Snape: TWO more hours...
Werewolf: (jumps again, biting like a crocodile)
Snape: (shakes fist, tired and glassy-eyed)
0414
Bedroom Number Three:
Sirius is passed out on one of the beds, snoring.. Dumbledore is awake, listening wryly.
0430
The werewolf continues to pace and glare up at Snape, who is now glaring back with equal crazed animosity.
Snape: Think I'm going to come down, do you, Lupin?? Of course I am.... Oh yes, the minute you transform back I am going to come right down, pounce on you, and strangle your scrawny neck....
Werewolf: (growls)
0520
Werewolf: (has fallen asleep amidst the sheets it's pulled off the bed)
Snape: (yawn)
0558
Snape is awakened (reluctantly) by the sudden commotion and groaning below - by the time he gathers his wits enough to look over the side of the bed, all he finds is Lupin transformed back and mixed up in the sheets on the floor.
Snape: (nostrils flare) I was going to kill you.
Lupin(opens eye): Egh..? what am I doing? here?....(eyes pop open in realization)
Snape(climbing down): Yes. (towers over him threateningly) I was going to kill you.... I think I'm still in the right mind to do it-
Lupin(pulls sheets closer): Did I ... ... is everyone ok?? there was blood-
Snape: I don't know what you did. (leans over) Maybe it was a squirrel.. Maybe it was that simpering cat.. Maybe it was Draco-
Lupin: No!
Snape: I heard him screaming-
Lupin: (hides face in hands)
Snape: ...........or he ran into his room and slammed the door.
Lupin(peeks out from behind hand): wait- he's ok?
Snape: I was going to kill you...
(Enter Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: good to see we're all still alive.. (twinkling pause) Of course, I haven't actually seen Tom... who knows, perhaps you killed him, Remus.
Lupin: agh... I can't..
Dumbledore: The world will handle the loss.
Lupin: is everyone really ok?
Dumbledore: We all are except Tom, whom I have not seen...
Lupin: (pulls the floppy pillow over his head) ok.....
The rest of the day goes slowly; highlights including Draco's stunned realization at 830
Draco: AAAEHGHHHWWW! There's a rotting squirrel carcass in front of my door!!!
At breakfast, Voldemort has a tearful reunion with Bertie, happy that the cat has shown up to partake of the eggs and toast Dumbledore's made.
Voldemort(cuddles cat): You're alive! I thought that wicked creature had eaten you.
Bertie: (purrs)
Black: Oh please.
Voldemort: We shall have our revenge for the terror caused, though, right?
Dumbledore: Today is nominations day, you know.
Voldemort: Yes, fancy that, Albus..
Midday; Draco is seen hoarding materials from the hall closet. One eyebrow is arched in a suspicious manner.
Late afternoon, Black makes his way to the backporch; looks longingly into the yard at the lawn art...
Black: I miss our jacuzzi..
CUT to Diary Room nominations-
Black: Hi kids. Let's keep this short: Voldemort for two; Snivellus for one.
Dumbledore: It's time to vote off Tom. I nominate him for two points, and random selection brought up Remus for one.
Draco: I was nearly eaten last night by a werewolf.. BUT I have to vote for Dumbledore for two, THEN Lupin for one..
Lupin(voting from the bedroom, exhausted): Voldemort for two; Draco for one.
Voldemort: Albus must go! Then dare I nominate that fool werewolf before he kills us all next month??? Hmmm...
Snape: Black for two and Dumbledore for one..
Nominations: Voldemort 6pts, Dumbledore 5pts, Lupin 3pts. Vote for the one you want out.