Warnings: abuse of Harry Potter characters, sudden apearance of never-before-mentioned furniture, "Hints of Slash," which are questionable today.
Day 45, Friday
Voldemort's post-breakfast nap in the sun room comes to an end. He rolls off the sofa - to discover a bloody lump of squirrel at his feet. The sounds of rough tongue on fur draw his attention to the sofa across from him. Bertie sits, smugly bathing herself.
Voldemort: Bertrum, I thought you had given up on the squirrel infestation.
Bertie: (continues licking herself)
Voldemort: Well, this is a pleasant surprise. What about the other four? Aren't you going out to finish them off before they start mating??? (no answer from the cat) At least this is a good start... I'm proud of you. (pats her head) Why, we should hang up this squirrel on a pole as an example to the others - or frame it! (looks up suddenly at the landscape oil painting on the wall) Actually... speaking of which, we could move this picture. I've always thought it out of place here, haven't you? (the cat purrs) I thought so. Come, let's recruit the others.
In the living room, the guys are sitting around the coffee table with pinochle cards in hand.
Lupin: 51.
Black(grinning toothily): oooooohhh Aces!
Snape: 53.
Black: 55.
Dumbledore: 80.
Black: What do you have over there?!
Dumbledore(twinkling): Spades.
Snape: Is that trump? I have a run in that as well. (meticulously places on table the Ace, 10, King, Queen, Jack of spades)
Dumbledore(chuckles): Excellent.
Black: I sense trickery here, Remus.
Lupin: Always a possibility with these two. Didn't Severus have double aces two hands ago?
Snape: Three.
Dumbledore(as if fondly recalling days of bygone youth): ahh yes, I believe that was the hand in which I held the 9-card club run...
(Voldemort enters, with picture in hand)
Voldemort: What in the name of teachery is all this about?
Dumbledore: Tom, we're playing double deck pinochle.
Voldemort: Pinochle is a four-person game. I need you all to pause a moment and help me hang this picture. I was thinking right above that huntboard (gestures to far wall where the huntboard sits. It houses a few dusty perfume bottles on doilies.)
(Draco sticks his head in)
Draco: what's going on?
Voldemort: Excellent. Draco, you can fetch the hammer.
Draco: Excuse me?
Voldemort: Yes, you know all the secret hiding places in the house, surely you know where the hammer is kept. Go fetch it.
(Draco shrugs and disappears back into the kitchen)
Voldemort: Severus, you can fetch the nails .
Snape(blinks in distaste, but sweeps wordlessly from the room)
Voldemort(looking back at wall): Yes, I think right above --OH! (turns back aroud - notices that his loyal supporters are on mission, and he has only Dumbledore, Black, and Lupin to direct) Ahhh... Mr. Lupin (Lupin smiles as would a fellow who's just been picked to sing karaoke for an audience of adoring tone-deaf old ladies), you'd better tell Severus that we'll need Three Big Nails.
Lupin(getting up): I can manage that, I think.
Voldemort: Good - who wnats to hang the picture?
Dumbledore(holds up hands in surrender): I have trouble arranging rubber tires, you'd better leave the delicate work to younger hands..
Voldemort(turns the gaze on Black):...........
Black: (still holding hand of cards) I don't know.... what if it breaks?
Voldemort: A Black can hang a picture.. even a disowned one.
Black(smirks): Only because I think that wall looks bare...
Laundy room; someone is doing a load, and the water splashes in the sink. Enter Snape, scowling..
Snape: ...where.....(rummages through a toolbox under sink)
(Enter Lupin)
Lupin: Severus-
Snape: (doesn't hear)
Lupin: Severus! (taps him on shoulder)
Snape(jerks up suddenly; bangs head on sink): AGH!
Lupin: ah, are you all right?
Snape(threat): If you offer me chocolate, Lupin....
Lupin(chuckles): I don't have any, sorry. Ahem; (adopts official tone) I'm sent here to tell you that we need "Three Big Nails."
Snape(rubbing head): That's it??
Lupin: It's not that big a picture.
Snape: I meant is that the only reason you came?!
Lupin: oh.. (mock serious camaraderie) Well, you know, the Dark Lord likes to delegate-
Snape: does he ever.. (goes back to rummaging in tool box)
Lupin(leans against doorway, amused): Why would the toolbox be in the laundry room anyway?
Snape: I can't imagine, Lupin - these muggles-
Lupin: Do you think he'll make Draco hang the picture, or you?
Snape(trying to look up to yell at Lupin; hits head again, clutching at toolbox): AGHH!
Lupin(laughs into sleeve): The first time it's funny, Severus - the second time just annoying-
Snape(red rage) And the THIRD??
Lupin: I wouldn't know- (sweeps out)
Snape: (chucks handful of nails after him)
Lupin(laughs from other room): BIT SMALL!
Back in the living room, Sirius is standing on a chair next to the huntboard, leaning out and holding the picture against the wall above it.
Voldemort(stands back): To the left-
Dumbledore: No, it's centered like that.
Voldemort: No it's not.
(Enter Draco, yawning in boredom)
Draco: Got your hammer. It was in the women's bathroom of all places..
Black: HAH!
Voldemort: LEFT!
(Enter Lupin)
Lupin: Severus found some nails, I think.
Voldemort(raised eyebrow): You think?
Lupin: Well, I know he threw some at me..
Voldemort: Draco, would you fetch a pencil?
Draco: (sighs in exasperation and stalks off)
(Enter Snape)
Snape: Three Big Nails. (presents them to Voldemort)
Voldemort: Perfect.
Black(reaches out hand, uncertainly): Where's that pencil??? (chair wobbles as he shifts weight; he grabs at wall defensively) WHoa-
Dumbledore: Careful.
Lupin: I'll anchor it. (sits; shaking chair more)
Black: AGH! trying to sabotage the picture hanging, eh, Remus?
Lupin: Trying to stabilize the chair - stop swinging around up there.
Black: Swinging around - You're the one
Draco(sweeps in, sticks pencil in direction of Black): PENCIL.
Black: Ok.. (takes pencil, marks wall) Not bad.. Now - NAILS and Hammer. (passes off picture to Voldemort, who hands him nails and hammer) Here's the trick.. ahhh-k.. (leans back to wall, starts hammering nail into wall - suddenly) OUGH! (drops nail and hammer - one thuds on huntboard) Oh!
Voldemort: Oh, there goes Auntie May's huntboard.. hahah
Lupin: Did you hurt yourself?
Black(sucking thumb): Just glancing blow (picks up hammer) Where'd that damned nail go?
Lupin: I got it (reaches under hunt board, thus shaking chair)
Black: AGHH --EYY(tries to flatten self against wall again) STOP THAT!
Voldemort: Hahah-
Draco(sits primly on sofa to watch): Perhaps I'll wait to get that ice cream sandwich..
Lupin(surfaces, smiling with nail): Hm?
Black: (growls) I'll hang this picture ALIVE, thank you, Remus!
(He manages to put the nails in successfully, only hitting his thumb one more time "DEAR-- AGH;" now all that remains is the picture..)
Voldemort: Now you just hang it up. Child's play. (grinning)
Black: OK - WITHOUT MOVING, carefully pass me the picture, Remus.
Lupin: I think that's a bit difficult, Sirius.
Dumbledore(chuckles): I'll get it, before there's bloodshed. (hands him picture)
Black: Ok... carefully steadying self to hang picture-
Snape: With a running commentary, no less.. what skills you have, Black-
Black: Oh shut up, I still have the hammer over here.
Voldemort: to the left...
Black: All right, all right, I'm taking your word on this.. (tries to move picture, it sticks) what-
Dumbledore: No, I like it there.
Black: That's a good answer-
Voldemort: Left.
Dumbledore: Center.
Voldemort: LEFT
Dumbledore: Tom...
Voldemort: You put that tire on crooked - I wouldn't expect you to know how to hang a picture-
Dumbledore; It's fine this way.
Voldemort: LEFT!
Black(reacts with a jerk to the sudden command; loses balance, kicks out to regain it, hits Lupin in head--)
Lupin: HEY-
Black: AAWEHO- (falls into huntboard; perfume bottles clatter and break; picture crashes to floor)
Lupin: Oh.. Sirius -
Dumbledore: It was inevitable..
Voldemort: Damned broken picture now.
Dumbledore: It was French anyway.
Voldemort: No-
Dumbledore: It was.
Black(rubbing head): Add another concussion to the list, yep -- (glances around) Don't anybody worry too avidly about my well-being! It's nothing a glass of scotch won't heal....
Lupin: Nah, that's more worrisome than the head injury.
Draco(lost interest in pictures, at coffee table now): Who was playing pinochle?? Who has a 11 card run in spades???
Snape(raised eyebrow): Eleven this time, Albus?
Dumbledore(twinkling): spate of good luck, eh?
Black: No, no. I refuse to play with a concussion against a team that holds at least 16 of 20 spades!! We are redealing that hand.
Voldemort: We are rehanging the picture first.
Black: You mean you are.
Voldemort: Draco- (he's always left the room) Ah.. I see. (notices the other four are back around the coffee table with their cards) Fine...