| Big Brother: Harry Potter Style |
| blog warnings: Abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash" Day 48, Sunday Challenge Saturday night has seen Lupin successfully lock himself in the Diary Room, much to Voldemort's disappointment ("With a little warning, it's quite the fun adventure - having a werewolf on the loose!"). Now he's back in Bedroom Number Two, trying to sleep away the day. But Big Brother has other plans. BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES!! (Downstairs kitchen table) Black: You know, they never let us finish breakfast. It's always- BigBrother: NO INTERRUPTING BIG BROTHER! Black(rolls eyes): continue! BigBrother: YOu should all be prepared for the 'Sunday' Challenge- Black: I don't like the sounds of those quotation marks- BigBrother: SILENCE! (Black sniffs, uncowed) We call it "sunday" because it will extend into tomorrow a bit... until 12 noon. From noon today to noon on Monday. A 24 hour Challenge, you see... You must (dramatic pause) CAMP OUTSIDE for those 24 hours! Draco: What about the bathrooms? BigBrother: THEY..... are inside. (another dramatic pause) Dumbledore: Well, that's no fun - are you putting one of those portalpotties out there? BigBrother: NO, and the correct term- Black: So... we can sneak offsite and get food then, can we? BigBrother; No - you must remain on the premisis - FAILURE to do so will result in no hot water for a week!!! Draco: Not even to cook? BigBrother: NOT EVEN TO COOK (gasps from the housemates, another dramatic pause -) TheAuthor: Big Brother is in good form today, if I do say so myself BigBrother: Now then, there is a tent in the backyard, and sleeping bags for six. THAT INCLUDES MR. LUPIN! You are to set up the tent on your own. And you may take one item each. PREPARE YOURSELVES, your challenge begins at noon! (they glance to wall clock; 2 hours remaining) Voldemort: I hope they haven't destroyed our lawn art, Albus. Dumbledore: Sirius, would you fetch Remus? We'll all need to discuss our plans.. Black: Yep. (exit) Ten minutes later they're all assembled in the living room; Voldemort and Snape sitting on the right half of the sofa; Lupin half collapsed in a pale, sickly ball on the left side. Draco reclines in one armchair, Dumbledore in the other; Sirius has brought in a chair from the kitchen. Dumbledore: What shall we bring outside? Draco(bored): The refrigerator. Dumbledore: Excellent - you can fill it up. Snape: With more than ice cream. Draco: Yes, Professor Snape. Voldemort: Well this sounds so.. back-to-nature. Perhaps I'll bring a tiki-torch. Dumbledore: (wry grin) You know what one needs to survive in the woods. What about nonperishables? Voldemort: Of course. Saltines, I suggest. Dumbledore: Fine. Black: I'll have to bring some alcohol - this is going to be a long twenty-four hours. Dumbledore: Absolutely. Voldemort: You'd better. (looks to Snape) And what are you bringing, Severus? Snape: How about something practical.. flashlight? toilet paper? I'm bringing a book myself. Dumbledore: Toilet paper is probably wise.. Remus-? Lupin: zzzzzzzz... (drooling on arm) (Snape smacks him in the side) Lupin(lifts head groggily): hm? Dumbledore: You can bring the toilet paper. Lupin: (moment of confusion) ah, ok.. (head back on arm) Dumbledore: I suppose that leaves me with the flashlight. Good! Voldemort: Class dismissed. They spend the rest of the morning eating lunch, gathering their supplies, bathrooming -- or just sleeping on the living room sofa, in the case of Lupin. At noon they make the trek outdoors; Black has to come back and drag along Lupin with the big fluffy 12pack of toilet paper. The first thing they must do is set up the tent, which Voldemort points out as he sits in one of the wicker rocking chairs on the porch. Dumbledore(inspecting heap of materials): Aren't there any instructions? Black: Uh oh.. (sets down gigantic bottle of scotch) Apparently not! Lupin(falls into a tire, using toilet paper as pillow): good luck Snape: I'm not involved.. (walks back to porch) Draco: It's too hot for this. (also goes to porch; plugs minifridge in outside socket, sits in third chair) Dumbledore: That leaves you and me, Sirius. Black: How hard can it be?? You just... put the plastic.. tent thing over these poles.. (indicates one with foot) Dumbledore: Ok, well- Voldemort(from porch): COLLECT THE POLES FIRST! (this they do with little trouble, although Dumbledore does manage to stick one into Black's side) Black: OUGPH- Dumbledore: Hah - sorry, Sirius. Voldemort(directing): NOW ATTACH THE POLES - TOGETHER! Draco: Good thinking, where would they be without you? Snape: Probably done by now. Dumbledore and Sirius are trying to attach two poles while holding the other two - impossible. Black: Remus - won't you help? Lupin: .....ok..... (struggles to feet; joins them at tent site) What? Black(shoves pole into his hand): Hold this still. Now we attach poles. Dumbledore: Good! easier with three - now the tent! (He and Black grab the tent and lift up the plastic, but Lupin is still standing on that end and stumbles back, trips over tire rim and falls into it again) Lupin: agh, ok.. Black: heh - he's half conscious anyway today. Come on, let's finish. (they try to arrange the poles in the tent - this is difficult, considering that they get halfway through then realize that the tent is folded over incorrectly. They try again, and start to pull the poles into place - theoretically, the poles are supposed to bend at the top to form a mighty plastic apex; however, the four poles never bend at the same height or time, so it takes much time and effort. At one point, Voldemort comes from the porch to 'help' but winds up getting smacked upside the head with an errant pole. He returns to the porch with as much dignity as possible. It is a good 2 o'clock before everything is finally set.) Black: Ahhh, the fruits of hard labor.. (stands back) uh.. this looks a little small. (the plastic tent is dark blue, taut, and dwarfed by the tire art next to it.) Draco: We're not all going to fit! Snape: The strays can sleep outside... Voldemort(chuckles): Good one Black: Well let's play a game. Dumbledore: With what? Black: I don't know - tires? Voldemort: That's not "tires" - that's art! Dumbledore: I don't think these younger generations appreciate lawn art, Tom. Voldemort: NO HOPE for them! (Black and Dumbledore steal a roll of toilet paper from Lupin, and begin tossing it back and forth) Draco: How is my hair today, Professor? Snape(blinks, turns slowly): Fine. Draco: What, that's it? Snape: Here. (hands him book "Decorating Your Country Cottage") Draco: What - this is not about hair. Snape: I don't have any books about hair. Draco: (pouts) Not even hair potions? Snape: Not out here. Draco: well, that's no good! (An errant roll of toilet paper bounces onto the porch and unrolls in front of them) Voldemort: I'm not using that one. Dumbledore(chuckles): I'm sorry, that wasn't the best throw.. Voldemort: Albus, don't encourage the children! Dumbledore: I suppose we should all sit down and read quietly. Draco: I'm the only one with a book.... (looks at it in distaste) although it's available if anyone wants it. Snape: Granger was wrong... (adds with a snort) for once. Black(comes to porch): Ahh, let's see what Draco brought along in the fridge- Snape: Can't you amuse yourself, Black? Black: You wouldn't like that.... Voldemort: that's a good thought, why don't you two play a game - badminton or some such sport- Snape: Badminton. Voldemort: I don't know..(looks around back yard - there's not much left but the tires and the tent) We could sing a song- Black: You start singing and I am getting that scotch- Voldemort: We may need to save that for later.. 3 hours later; Snape, Voldemort, and Draco are still in the wicker rocking chairs - Dumbledore has disappeared. Draco: I'm thirsty. Snape(not looking up from book): There's a hose on the side. Draco: HOSE! Voldemort(dozing in third chair): hm? What's going on? Draco: He told me to drink from the hose! I am not a dog! (points in direction of Lupin and Black, who are napping in the tires) Tell THEM to drink from the hose.. I brought drinks. (goes to refrigerator) Ah! Someone finished off the soda! Snape: Must have been Black. Draco(sniffs): Well, we'll just have to drink his scotch. Voldemort: Excellent. Draco(takes bottle off top of fridge): I don't think anyone remember glasses.. Voldemort: Oh we'll just pass the bottle around. Death Eater bonding time, as they say. Draco(unscrews lid; lifts heavy bottle, tries to take a sip, swallows more than he meant to - coughs): agh- Voldemort: Oh dear child, give me that - (snatches it away, takes mighty swig) AHhhhhhhhh - good. (passes it to Snape) Snape: (pause; takes a gulp which apparently has no effect; hands back matter-of-factly) Two hours later, they are all awake, hot in the late afternoon sun, and snapping at each other. Of course, three of them are a bit... Voldemort: Severus, don't be so morose- Snape(arms folded, glaring as usual - the only indication that he's had a bit too much is the glassy eyes): This isn't morose, this is cheerful. I'm a happy drunk, I tell you. Draco(red-faced): AHahhahahahha-- thats Irony, right?? Dumbledore: Draco, did you bring food? Draco: Of course I did, I di' bring food, you old bat - let me... let me find it (zigzags to fridge;) We have.. ah.... whassthat? Voldemort: (still amused by Snape) Come, Severus - won't you tell us a story?? Maybe around the campfire -- we MUST have a campfire tonight-- Dumbledore: That could be interesting. Black: How are we going to light it?? Draco: STICKS! Black: hahah- Voldemort(as if this is elementary): Oh, just like this! (points wand at the tire next to Lupin, who is still sleeping like the dead - tire combusts in a display that shoots flames 4 feet into the air; Lupin wakes up, looking vaguely disturbed) BigBrother: NO MAGIC! Voldemort: Ohhhhhhh yes.. well, that's too bad, Big Brother. Draco: Hahaha - did you see Lupin?? Lupin(looks around, notices tire, scrunches nose at smell of burning rubber): Who -- who's trying to shoot me?? Voldemort(laughing): I wasn't aiming for you! You would know if I had aimed for YOU! Lupin: (frowns in confusion) Are they drunk? Snape(still glaring): Not drunk, Lupin - pleasantly buzzed. Lupin(hand to head): This is too much... (scowls) Who's burning tires?? Its disgusting- Snape: Allergic to burning rubber? I'll have to remember that- Black: WHO'S BEEN IN MY SCOTCH? Voldemort: Ah hah - you're too late.. we passed it around earlier.. Black(sees bottle, half empty): WHat!! Dumbledore: I had a bit too.. Voldemort: CAMPFIRE! INCENDIO!! (shoots the entire tire lawn art - it explodes into flames and stinky black smoke) Lupin(struggles away from site, choking): Agha -- What-- BigBrother: NO MAGIC!! Dumbledore: Actually, Tom, if you can conjure some marshmellows, we'll be all set- Voldemort: Good thinking, Albus (is about to move wand - Snape's hand appears in front of it) Snape: That is not wise- Voldemort: So it's not--- Big Brother might kick me out.. hah Draco: Did you want food or not??? I got apples- (walks over unsteadily, apples dropping from arms) Black: I'll have one! Snape: Like the Golden apple of Ate, now they will all fight and start a grand war- Dumbledore: I think that's already been started, Severus Snape: I don't want an apple. Black: Ahahah - I have to admit, Snivellus, you are quite amusing drunk. Snape: Unfortunately.. I am not drunk enough to shoot you for that. Black: See? Perfect! Lupin: but you shouldn't encourage him, Sirius- you never know -- turn that damned fire out (coughs, pale) I'm going to be sick with all that smoke.. (waves wand; the fire stops abruptly) Voldemort: WHAT! BigBrother: NO MAGIC!!! Lupin(coughs): sorry Draco: Who wants an apple???? they're red and ripe. well, some of them are green - Slytherin colors, I'll have a green apple.. but they are sour, but I can like sour- Snape: Shut up. Draco: That's not very nice, Professor Snape, I thought you said you were a happy drunk. very funny Black: hah this is going to be an interesting night.. (two hours later they are sitting around a real campfire - Dumbledore has collected wood and shot it into flames, much to Big Brother's chagrin; the bottle of scotch is being passed around again and they are taking turns telling horror stories.. Cue the flash of lightning and the loud clap of thunder) Black: Uh oh- Dumbledore: It's not going to rain tonight, is it? Lupin(leaning against Dumbledore as if he were sofa): we're not all fitting in that tent.. Voldemort: let Mother Nature unleash her fury upon us! WE SHALL WITHSTAND- Black: He's pretty funny drunk too - I'm glad I'm sober tonight Lupin: me too (another streak of lightning across the sky - and thunder altogether too close) Dumbledore: perhaps we should.... do something? Voldemort: Let us remain uncowed in the face of the storm! Black: Oh boy - pass me that scotch- Draco: were out Black: What!? Dumbledore: hm, crisis indeed! ANOTHER clap of thunder - then the first sprinkles of rain Dumbledore: Ah, you know what that means Voldemort: IMPENDING DISASTER - INTO THE TENT! (he charges for it, knocking Draco out of the way) Draco: Heyyyy now- watch where you're going, you don't own the world yet you know- Voldemort(from inside tent): Silence, Malfoy (The downpour begins) Draco: it's raining! HA! My hair preserves its natural resiliency in this shorter length! No more drowned rat look for me!! hah! Dumbledore(claps him on shoulder): I think you'd better watch your alcohol intake in the future, Draco. Black: IT'S COLD RAIN! (crawls into tent; Lupin, still tired and pale, follows along at the same time Snape and Draco try to enter - there's a big pile up as they all squeeze into the plastic doorway- and struggle to get out of the way again) Snape: Lupin, be careful! Lupin: such a grump- Draco: OW! that's my foot!! Lupin: --sorry- Snape(st same time): --then watch where you're putting it! Draco: did you BOTH step on it! ones as bad as the other - I don't know how this household survives with only ONE rational being in it- Black: I hope you don't think that rational being is YOU! Draco(trying to find a seat in the tent): MOVE OVER- Voldemort: Don't talk to me that way- Draco: Oh its you - I can't see- Dumbledore: I can't hear above this pounding rain-- (enters tent, immediately trips over something or someone): HOsopp! Black: OW! Draco: you're all wet! Lupin: (grumble of displeasure) Dumbledore: Whose foot is this? Snape: That is not a foot. Voldemort: I think you'd better find the flashlight, Albus - didn't you bring it? (Suddenly the room lights up in blue; Dumbledore's face looms over the flashlight, sending clumsy shadows around) Draco: That is somehow disturbing. Voldemort: It's Albus, of course it's disturbing (Crash of thunder) Snape: There is not enough room in here. I hope you fools didn't leave the scotch outside.. Black: Nope, nope.. Got it right here! (holds up bottle) Lupin: (collapses, exhausted into Black's arm) Black: hey- no sleeping on me Lupin: tired Draco: This is very inconvenient - this storm had better not last very long. Humidity is not my friend, and if I am cramped up in close quarters with you all for any extended period of time, I think I will become very grumpy - and I am not- Voldemort: quiet! Dumbledore: Shhh, the room is bigger if you talk less. Voldemort: words of wisdom, Albus. Draco: Oh, of course - everything he says is words of wisdom. he's incapable of making mistakes - it's enough to make you sick- Snape: Draco.. Dumbledore: (chuckles) I'm afraid that's not right.. Now about this flashlight - perhaps I can hang it? (stands, hunching because the tent is short, and attempts to attach flashlight to the poles at the apex) Lupin: zzzz..... Black: Damn it, Remus; stop drooling - (tries to arm him off; he falls back, into the plastic wall behind; the whole tent leans back with his weight) Voldemort(sitting directly opposite Lupin - pulled forward by the moving tent) HEY! Dumbledore: OH- (the poles jerk forward and hit him in the head) who-(trips backwards) Snape: .... damn.. (Dumbledore knocks Snape back - now he and Lupin are pushing the tent to the left, and the weak plastic gives way and collapses, poles fly out; the ceiling wafts down, and the rain begins pouring in) Black: HEY! Draco: THE WET- Voldemort: Idiots! Dumbledore(laughing): Ah, camping... Lupin(spluttering water): Who- what -- RAIN! Black: hahah - sobering midnight thunderstorm, eh?? Draco: If this is sober, I don't want anything to do with it- Snape: Lupin, this is your fault. Lupin: Just be glad the Sunday Challenge was TONIGHT and not Last night! Snape: ...that's true. Dumbledore: I don't think anyone is going to sleep tonight- Voldemort: I'm going back to my wicker rocking chairs - at least there's space... Honestly, what would Bertrum do - I think she'd hide under a car.. Cats are sensible creatures.. The rest of the night is spent complaining about how the midnight thunderstorm has turned into an all-night rain event. When it begins to taper away at dawn, some housemates fall asleep, except Lupin, who has been dozing in a tire since 2am. That leaves Snape and Draco awake in the remaining two rocking chairs. Snape: Dawn is upon us..the tranquil morning sun a stinging reminder of the torment we have suffered through the night.. Indeed, a light did go out in our tent- Draco(whine): My head hurts, Professor. Snape(immediately back to angry professor): You should know better than to drink that much. Draco: I didn't drink that much. (hand to forehead) Snape: Your tolerance for alcohol is nonexistent, Draco. You should know better than to drink any at all. Draco(whines): don't you have any medicine? Snape: No. Draco: that doesn't help.. Snape: Neither does your whining. Draco: (pouts) Snape: Learn a lesson from your other professor (nods toward the sleeping Lupin); you would be better off unconscious. Draco: that's not true. he cooks. Snape(sigh): if you sleep, you will not feel the pain. I will try to sleep as well - (closes eyes) Draco: But I'm not tired- Snape: DRACO. SLEEP. Draco: (pause, looks around for something to do)... where's that book? Snape: This morning needs to end. TheAuthor: So does this episode. |