Warnings: Blatant abuse of HP characters and failure to follow BB by the book; "Hints of Slash," whatever that may mean.
Day 4, Saturday.
0728 hrs. Diary Room. Draco Malfoy.
Draco(staring at camera): Is this what Potter was talking about - communicating with the outside world?? (squints at it) Hmm. Well, Big Brother, I have a request. (sits back on chair primly) Since we are disallowed the use of magic, I request that I be given these so-called muggle "hair care products," as I don't see how you can expect the viewing populace to watch much longer if my hair is turning all .. frizzy and unacceptable (toys with some splits ends, grimacing). It's quite mandatory, I'm afraid. Father and I have images to uphold. (pause) Well, that's all I had to say. See that you don't delay. (exit)
An hour or so later in "Bedroom Number Two" (someone has taken a red marker and written "and 3/4" on the sign), Sirius Black wakes up and finds he has the room to himself - except for the obnoxious stream of sunlight hitting him in the face.
Black: hmph.. who opened the curtains? (stumbles out of bed and shuts them; inspects) Everyone awake already? (looks to the bed above his) No! Remus is still sleeping. Can't have that. (promptly reaches up and shakes Lupin's foot) Hey! Wake up!
Lupin: mmrgh!
Black: hey - Moony, hello!
Lupin(looks about, disoriented): What's going on?
Black: It's 835 already. Get up or you'll have to shower in the cold!
Lupin: There's always a line. (but he rustles about and comes down, begins looking for shower towel)
Black: Well, Harry's right - You-Know-Who doesn't really have to shower, he just does so out of spite. Silly setup anyway, 9 of us and 6 showers.
Lupin: The girls have it easy, 3 to 6.
Black: heh - Brilliant, you can shower in there!
Lupin(grin): What - you'd send me deep into the heartland of Umbridge territory armed with nothing but a towel ?? Are you mad!
Black: (laughs) oh.. hah - true-
Lupin(mock melodrama): What if the other two aren't in there!?
Black: Oh stop - the imagery is too terrible-
Lupin: Why don't YOU go?
Black: Why don't we both go?
Lupin: ... hm. not if it's busy - you can go on the reconnaissance mission.
(So Black, having exchanged his sleep robes for a dark blue bath towel, now sneaks down the hall to the ladies' bathroom. Cue the Mission Impossible theme. - Trouble! here comes Umbridge in her towel like a pink elephant - he dives into the closest room: Bedroom Number 1. Luckily it's empty, but he does spot a frilly green feather boa on a bottom bed.)
Black: What in -- Nevermind, just stay focused. (waits for Umbridge to pass, continues to the bathroom at the end of the hall. He peeks in - no one visible, but someone showering. And singing. Badly.)
Tonks: She's a killer queeEEEEEEEEN! Gunpowder gelatine - Dynamite with a laser beam--
(Black mouths "What!?!" to himself, but dashes off back to Lupin)
Black: It's clear! Let's go!
Lupin: Bathroom infiltration in action!
(Now they both trot surreptitiously down the hall in their towels and take the stalls on either side of Tonks, who is still singing)
Tonks: to avoid complications she never kept the same address - in conversation she spoke just like a baroness- (she hears the sounds of two showers start; stops) uh... didn't Hermione and Umbridge already.... (gasp of joy) THEY HAVE COME! (turns off shower, wraps herself in towel, goes to inspect).. Hmm.. (sees two pairs of ankles/feet that do not belong to women) TWO of them! in just four days! I WIN! HAH!
Black(tries to imitate Hermione in high-pitched voice): I - uh - I didn't uh - feel clean enough?
Tonks: I LOVE YOU GUYS! (runs out)
Lupin(calls over stall): I think that well rather went!
After dressing Tonks runs down to breakfast and drags Hermione upstairs to witness.
Tonks: Look! They're -- .. GONE!
Hermione: hm.. I need evidence.
Tonks: Oh come on, Hermione -you're not going to be difficult about this, are you?
Hermione: I just can't believe they'd invade our bathroom after only FOUR DAYS!
Tonks: They were here. We'll confront them after breakfast sometime.
Hermione: ok.
Later in the day, we find Albus Dumbledore wandering about the house, hands behind back, like the seasoned old patriach making the rounds on his manor. But really, he is looking for something to do. In the sun room, he finds Umbridge trying to knit again.
Dumbledore: Hello Dolores.
Umbridge: Good afternoon Professor Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: What's that you're working on?
Umbridge: Oh, some sort of muggle diversion called knitting.
Dumbledore: I might try..
Umbridge: Good - perhaps between the both of us we can figure out how it works!
(Dumbledore sits and she begins explaining the little she's learned)
The afternoon is not so boring for Tonks and Hermione. They are having a difficult time trying to find the mysterious showerers. In fact, they've even split up in the attempt to track down the offenders.
Hermione: Ron! Admit it!
Ron(red faced): I'm not going into the girls' shower! Are you crazy!?
Hermione: You were complaining about the line yesterday!
Ron: No! That was Harry - don't start getting us mixed up!
Hermione: oh. Well - I'll have to find him then. (sniffs and stalks off)
Ron: bloody crazy, that girl!
Meanwhile:
Tonks: Oh, confess!
Dumbledore: As much of an adventure as that would be, I don't need to use the ladies' showers.. I get up at 6 each morning.
Tonks: Not even for a bet? Who was it then?
Dumbledore: I might guess it was someone who sleeps in. (turns his attention back to his knitting.)
Tonks: Hmm.. .. SIRIUS....
Back to Hermione - she's found Harry in the laundry room. He is perched atop the washing machine, sitting Indian style and seemingly in deep meditation.
Hermione: Ok, Harry - you were -- Why are you in the laundry room?
Harry: It's quiet and peaceful.
Hermione: Until someone starts washing!
Harry: No one knows how.
Hermione: Good point. Now then- you were complaining about the bathroom lines yesterday morning.
Harry: Yes?
Hermione: So.... what would be the logical way to avoid lines?
Harry: (grumbles) I'm not waking up earlier.
Hermione: EXACTLY - You sneak into the women's bathroom!
Harry(appalled): I would never!
Hermione: HARRY!
Harry: I didn't! You can ask anyone of the guys this morning - I was in the men's bathroom.
Hermione: Oh? Who wasn't?
Harry(ponders): I didn't see professor Dumbledore... or .. uh oh - Sirius.. Remus came in to brush his teeth.... His hair wasn't wet - I dont know if he had showered yet.
Hermione: Sirius! OF COURSE! (runs off)
In the kitchen Tonks and Hermione run into each other again.
Both: SIRIUS!
Tonks: He would! - but there were two of them
Hermione: Professor Lupin too!
Tonks: OF COURSE! (Voldemort sweeps into the kitchen)
Voldemort: What's all this detective work? It doesn't sound encouraging.
(the other two don't know exactly how to respond to the Dark Lord)
Tonks: Er.. it's nothing.
Voldemort: Where'd Albus put the tea kettle? Is he going senile in his old age? (begins rummaging through the cabinets)
Hermione: Come on - let's find them, they're probably together anyway.
Tonks: Yeah, funny that!
Soon: Afternoon tea in the living room. The Malfoys are lounging elegantly on the sofa, while Snape sits in the big arm chair across from them. Enter Voldemort with a tea tray and all the proper fixings.
Voldemort: Why am I serving you three? (puts tray down and sits in a chair next to Snape)
Lucius: Superior condescension. You are not 'lowering yourself' to our level, but rather raising us - not to your unattainable level - but to a higher level by your very interaction.
Voldemort: Fair attempt, Lucius. I'll have mine white with two cubes.
Lucius: Ah, yes, sir. (prepares his tea)
Voldemort: Now then. I have gathered you all here to discus.... (dramatic pause) Strategic Nominations Planning. (-The sky outside becomes black, the lights flicker, wind screams as it whips around the corners of the building)
Big Brother: NO MAGIC, MR. RIDDLE!!
Voldemort(mutters something under breath; everything returns to normal): Yes, well. We need to talk. (They lean in conspiratorially) As you all should be aware, tonight is the first night for nominations. I propose we form a voting bloc so as to assure our most hated enemy has a chance of being ousted.
Draco: Like a rotten burrough!
Voldemort(ever so briefly confused): - Yes, but backwards. I hope this means you will put aside any petty quarrels and make the proper decision tonight.
Snape: Pardon me, but whom are we to vote for?
Voldemort: I think that should be painfully clear, Severus. (lowers voice more) Albus - dear old chess player that he is - is the dark horse in this race. He'll play the innocuous old fool and remain in the house until the last week when he'll reveal his true, power-hungry intentions and snatch victory from the rest of us!
Snape: I can't vote for him.
Voldemort(eyes flash menacingly): What?
Snape(quietly): He beat me at Tiddlywinks this morning.
Voldemort: What! You should KNOW better than to --- WHAT about--
Snape(unmoved): Can't.
Voldemort: -Not even one point?
Snape: Maybe.
Voldemort: I am displeased.
Draco(whines): Can't I vote for Harry?
Voldemort: Doesn't any of you know how this works? Two points to the first choice - you can vote for whomever you want for the remaining one point!
Draco: Oh. Fine.
(Black passes by in the hallway - notices the gathering, sticks his head in)
Black: Well, gentlemen - a fine day for a Death Eater Conventio- or Afternoon Tea in the Living Room, as I have sometimes heard it referred to.
(They all glare at him)
Black: Right! I hope this falls under big brother's stipulation of "living peaceably together."
(more glaring)
Black: Yep, see you at dinner! (continues on his way)
Snape: He's my vote.
Voldemort: I can't say I am displeased at that.
Meanwhile Tonks has found Lupin reading quiety on the den sofa. She goes in for the kill.
Tonks: Remus......
Lupin: Hi Tonks
Tonks: What's that you're reading?
Lupin(holds up book for her to see; the title is Managing Moods: A Werewolf's Guide to That Time of the Month): Severus lent it to me.
Tonks: Severus? What does he have it for?!
Lupin(shrugs): It suggests quite a few potions - but that's the problem: it's very magic-oriented.
Tonks: As I should expect.
Lupin(finally gives her his attention): Was there something you needed?
Tonks(sits in the chair across from him, grinning): Admit it.
Lupin: What?
Tonks: I know what you've been up to.
Lupin(innocently): Oh?
Tonks: Sneaking around stealing ladies' shower stalls!
Lupin: Now, now, Tonks - that you could accuse me of such a thing strikes me to the very core-
Tonks: Oh, go on - those were YOUR FEET TODAY - confess!
Lupin(trying not to laugh, failing): These accusations, Tonks! Really!
Tonks: Don't make me come over there and torture the confession out of you!
Lupin: I beg your pardon-
Tonks: I warned you! (dives at him, starts tickling)
Lupin: AH! Stop - I'm - OK! OK!
Tonks(sits back smugly): Well then?
Lupin: Ah (catches breath) Yes, I confess - I slept in late.. There were no free showers.. You had 5 open.
Tonks: Well.. I can't say I'm upset -- You see, Hermione and I had a bet going..
Lupin(grins): Oh?
Tonks: Yes, I bet it'd be less than a week before some guys started showering in our bathroom; she bet two. Thus she has cleanup duty.
Lupin: You are tricky -I'll have to be more careful.
Tonks: And who was your accomplice?
Lupin(jumps up from sofa): That you can't know! I'll never tell the secret!
Tonks: Ok, clearly it was Sirius.
Lupin: I'm bad at this, aren't I?
Tonks(laughs): It's cute, don't worry about it.
Hermione has tracked down Black, who is in the kitchen looking around aimlessly.
Hermione: Hi Sirius.
Black: Hi Hermione. Are you hungry?
Hermione: Er.. No, Sirius. I had a question for you.
Black: No, I did not mean what you think I did yesterday-
Hermione: Wer- Oh... well, good. But that wasn't my question. Were you using our showers this morning?
Black: .... Oh? What gives you that impression (grins mischievously) You weren't there, so I don't see how you could possibly know about it.
Hermione: SIRIUS!
Black: I hope you don't mind..
Hermione: well... No, but I do mind losing my bet. Couldn't you have waited a bit?
Black: BET? What's all this about?
Hermione: Come on, let's find Tonks and I'll explain. (exuent)
Saturday Night Nominations:
The housemates file dutifully to the Diary Room, which they occupy one at a time to nominate their least favorite housemates.
Black: Umbridge has GOT TO GO! Two points to her. And one point for You-Know-Who.
Dumbledore: Good Old Tom is scheming again, but I'd hate to see him go this soon - he plays so well with the children. I think I'll give him just one point and two to Dolores, who plays less well with the children.
Hermione: Umbridge!! and then Voldemort.
Lupin: I'm not sure we can trust You-Know-Who, so let's vote him off. And as much as I love the attention, I have to nominate Miss. Umbridge for the other point.
Draco: Two points to Dumbledorf. Then a big one point to Potter.
Lucius: I nominate Albus Dumbledore for two points, and Harry Potter for one.
Harry: Well, I think it's kind of my solemn duty to nominate Voldemort for two points. For one I have to vote for Umbridge.
Voldemort: Albus is a real schemer and must go, thus I nominate him for two. The other point I am giving to Harry.
Snape: As I can't nominate Albus, I give two points to Black and one to Umbridge.
Tonks: If I can't give all my points to Umbridge, then she should at least get two/thirds of them. I'll give the other one to Lucius Malfoy. I don't like the way he looks at me.
Umbridge: hem! Mr. Black is an escaped convict and convicted serial killer! I hope we all nominate him! And one point to that Tonks girl. She has no business being so bossy.
Ron: I still can't believe we are all stuck in a house with YOU-KNOW-WHO! He's my top nomination choice.. and the other one is Draco Malfoy.
A/N part two: Well, gentle readers - You don't need to do the math to figure out which three are nominated. Your choices are Umbridge (11 points), Voldemort (9 points), and Dumbledore (6 points).