| Big Brother: Harry Potter Style |
Warnings: The Horror. "Hints of Slash," fake Latin, a word with 5 S's. Day 19, Sunday, Challenge Day Harry Potter is asleep in his bed. The scar on his forehead begins to throb painfully- wait, wrong story... The early morning swallows have begun chirping and all is peace and harmony.. until a small fist slams into his stomach. Harry: AGH! (sits up - sees a young boy about 3 years old on his bed) What!! RandomChild: hiieeeee! Harry: It's a kid! Tonks(awake now): What!? Harry: There's a kid on my bed!! RandomChild: Hehehehehe!!! Lucius(rolls over, glaring magnificently out of one eye): What....... Mr. Potter.....? Harry: CHILD! (picks it up by the arms, puts it back on the floor) I don't know whose kid this is. Lucius: ...muggles should stop having children... (The RandomChild begins to run around, trips over the rug and wails loudly) RandomChild: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH Harry: Ahhhh (hand to head) Lucius: Arrghhh....!! Tonks: I'm supposed to have some sort of maternal instinct, aren't I? Harry: er.. Maybe? Tonks: Well, I don't - get it out of here! Harry(gets up): Let's take it downstairs... see what's going on.. Downstairs, the three of them find that they were the last ones attacked. The house seems overrun with small children - they are climbing on the furniture, throwing objects, drawing on inappropriate objects, and generally making quite a racket. The other housemates are also awake, and look prepared to do physical violence to the children. The wall clock reads 615. Harry(makes his way over to Hermione and Dumbledore): What is going on!!? Snape: (shaking head).... it really is a preschool... Hermione: This must be the challenge!! BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES! Black: Aw, so early, Big Brother?! BigBrother: SILENCE, MR. BLACK - We have been quite appalled to f- (realizes there is to be no speaking over the children) SILENCE CHILDREN!!!! (they all pause; deathly silence reigns) Yes, we were saying: Given the BLATANT and INTENTIONAL disrespect of the rules prohibiting magic lately, we have decided to institute a new policy: Anyone using magic FOR ANY REASON will be immediately evicted!! (the housemates look horrified) But we offer you one last chance at redemption..Today's Challenge.. which is a bit of a punishment in itself, will lessen the astringent new policy- IF YOU CAN WIN IT. Your task is to take care of these 30 children. They are from well-to-do muggle families, and are all in the 3-7 year range. We will repossess the children at 6pm. No magic, housemates, and no physical violence to the children. Lucius: ... damn. BigBrother: GOOD LUCK! That is all. (The nine housemates stand, watching dumbly in their various levels of morning dress. Dumbledore's eyes are twinkling as usual, but everyone else's are bloodshot and glassy. The children have figured that Big Brother is done, and the noise level quickly returns from deathly silence to ear-splitting racket.) Snape: ... muggle medicine for headaches.. (sweeps off toward kitchen) Dumbledore: Wait, Severus (Snape stops dutifully) - we're all coming. We need to plan. Actually... we should plan in the sun room - if Tom's still breathing, that is.. Sun Room: Voldemort (stranded on the sofa) has gotten around the problem of the children by pretending to be dead. He is lying lifeless, eyes closed and limbs limp. The cat Bertie is hiding under the sofa in terror; a four-year-old is trying to crawl under after her..The other three kids in the room are dismantling the decorative birdhouse they've taken from the coffee table, at regular intervals they turn their attention to the black thing on the couch, eyeing it warily... Enter the other housemates; Dumbledore leads the group, carrying pencil and paper. Dumbledore: Tom..... Wake up, dear.... (goes about cleaning off the coffee table) Voldemort: ................. Draco: He's killed himself! (The four children in the room continue with their activities, as if a task action force of strangely clad (not to mention strangely hair-doed) people hadn't just walked in. Dumbledore frowns at Voldemort, stands over him and dangles the tip of his beard under Voldemort's snake-like nose) Voldemort: (twitches) Dumbledore(continuing): I suppose you heard Big Brother... Voldemort: (sniffs) Dumbledore: You're involved in the antics of this household too, Tom.... Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO! (sits up violently with the sneeze - the children run terrified from the room) Dumbledore: Good. Voldemort(still sitting up painfully; seizes Dumbledore by his beard and pulls him face-to-face): Albus!!!... so help me....!! Dumbledore(even smile): We'll have to continue this later, Tom... Voldemort(sits back, lets him go): .... all right. What are we planning to do with the demons? Soon they have sketched out a map of the house, with problem areas marked off. Dumbledore: I suggest we team up and provide activities for them. Clearly Tom and I will handle the sun room. Voldemort: Oh? Dumbledore: I won't have you dying again.. But someone should take the outdoor activities Tonks: I will! Hermione: me too. Tonks: ok, let's get the supplies - we can play that Twister game.. (exeunt) Dumbledore: And... Someone has to protect the food.. (everyone turns to the Malfoys) Lucius: We accept. (exeunt) Dumbledore: That leaves the upstairs.. I'd rather not have them climbing all over our beds.. Black(speaking for Lupin): Oh, we can watch them. Harry: Wait... (not so subtle glance to Snape and back) Black: Ah, you can help us too, Harry. Snape: It doesn't take all three of you to lock the bedroom doors, does it? Black: Well, we'll have to play games with the kids once we block them from there.. (adds obnoxiously) You can join us! Snape: Perhaps I'll watch... the Diary Room Dumbledore(gently): I don't think you'd want Big Brother to find you hiding... after that "blatant and intentional" abuse of magic yesterday, Severus.... Snape: I'm not sure Big Brother would want to find me alone with any children either... Lupin: Oh, I'll help you out, Severus - Black(grabs his arm): Don't do it, Remus - it's not worth it! Snape: ... (folds arms, waits impatiently) Lupin(to Black): Think of the children! Black: Aw, all right! Let's go, Harry. (exeunt) Dumbledore: Well, you two can take care of any strays... Snape: There'd better not be any.. (stalks out; Lupin follows with a helpless shrug) Already, the Malfoys are encountering trouble in the kitchen. An older boy has discovered the newly replaced box of ice cream sandwiches at the freezer. Draco sweeps over to the child and looks down at him imperiously. Draco(coldly): And just what do you think you're doing?? Boy: ... getting ice cream. Draco: That's not your ice cream to take. It's ours (takes hold of box; boy doesn't let go) We won it in a game. Boy: Can I have some? Draco: No! Boy(glares): I want some! Draco: At some point in life you must learn that you don't always get what you want. (pulls box out of his hands, stuffs it back in the freezer; boy sits on floor at immediately bursts into whines and cries.) Lucius(at table): That's very funny coming from you, Draco. Draco: (disgusted) Look at it! It's crying now! Lucius: Welcome to the world of parenting!! Draco: Remind me never to have children.. Lucius: Don't be ridiculous.. Your responsibility is to carry on- Draco: oh, don't start.. I don't have to worry about that for a few more years yet. Lucius: Don't interrupt me! (meanwhile, the boy crying on the floor stands up and reaches for the freezer) Draco: Yes, I'm sorry, but I've heard all of your lectures before! - I could give them word-for-word!! Why do you think I stand here spouting to this brat muggle about not always getting what it wants -(gestures at the child, which he thinks is at his feet- realizes child is now sneaking out the door behind him WITH ice cream) HEY!! Lucius: GET IT! Boy(turns around; grins): HEHEHEHE!! (disappears around corner) Draco: COME BACK! (runs after him) Lucius: I don't know what- HEY! No sneaking in the pantry! (goes to chastise a girl) Outside, Hermione and Tonks have organized a game of football ("which I have sometimes heard referred to as 'soccer..'"). They have only a half dozen children, so the game is a bit slow, especially given that the 3 and 4 year olds are clumsy and pay no attention to any kind of rules. Hermione: hey stop!! You can't pick up the ball unless you're the goalie!! (as a toddler runs down the field with the ball) Tonks(laughs): It's no use, Hermione! Hermione: You'd think muggle children would know how to play! AnotherKid: I DONWANNA PLAY THEYRE CHEATING! Tonks: She doesn't know - she's too little. Hermione: Argh.. it's only 7!! Tonks: DONT THINK ABOUT THAT! Meanwhile, the boy with the ice cream has fled to the second floor. Draco is running after him. Draco: How - undignified! Running after muggle children!! (Sirius and Harry are coming down the stairs) Black: Don't worry, Green-Head, we've locked all the bedroom doors - he can only go to the bathrooms. Draco: Fine! (continues on) Black(whispers): We should have taken the ice cream from the kid (winks) Harry: heh... I thought we had finished it off yesterday. Black: Big Brother filled it up again.. Harry: Too bad. Later in the sun room: Child: YOU LOOK LIKE DARTH MAUL! Voldemort: I beg your pardon!! Child: That's a cool mask!! Voldemort: How dare you - comparing me to cheap matinee villains from star wars!! (Dumbledore meanwhile, is sitting on the opposite sofa, teaching a few children how to play tiddlywinks.) Dumbledore: and you just.. let the squidger go.. (flip) Child: But Darth Maul is COOL! Voldemort: Not even the dignity of a Gorthaur! NO - Darth Maul?! Don't you children read any great literature these days?! Child(is perhaps 5): Uhh.. I cant read yet Voldemort(sigh): Why don't you gather 'round old Tom, children, and he will riddle you a tell of epic proportions - a tale of witches and wizards- Child(sits on edge of sofa): Are YOU a wizard?? Voldemort: Well, yes I am. Child: COOL! Dumbledore: I should like to hear this story, Tom. Voldemort(eyes flash proudly): And I shall have to give you the abridged and public version, Albus.. Dumbledore: Do tell.. Voldemort: It all began when I was...(looks at child before him) about your age, I suppose.. Dumbledore: And this is the abridged version?? Voldemort: Quiet, Albus. (clears throat) Yes..that was when I discovered I had magical powers. I had been abandoned in an orphanage, you see, and no one considered it necessary to inform me that my mother had been a witch.. (the kids stop playing tiddlywinks and crowd around, listening raptly)... I didn't know I was a wizard at first, just that I.. could do things the other children couldn't.... Back in the kitchen, Draco cuts a triumphant dash as he brings back the ice cream box. He sets it on the table before his father. Lucius: Like the cat bringing in dead birds. Draco(smirks): Have one. Lucius: And where's our little thief? Draco: ....He won't be bothering us again. BigBrother: MR. MALFOY!!! (they both look up, frowning irritably) THE YOUNGER! Lucius: Hm, tough luck, Draco. Draco: It's not my fault he locked himself in the shower stall, Big Brother! BigBrother: This is not acceptable behavior - let him go immediately! Draco: ..(mutters under breath, exit) the day drags on.. very slowly.. Harry and Sirius have resorted to the Twister game in the living room to keep the kids occupied. Black: RIGHT FOOT RED! (the kids on the mat stumble about) Black: OTHER right foot! Harry(hand to head): I'm never having kids.. I don't blame you for not having kids, Sirius. Black(chuckles): Harry, Azkaban is not what I would call an Environment Conducive to Rearing Children.. Harry: yeah.. Black: But I like kids, don't get me wrong- Kid(on mat): WHA'S NEXT?? Black(spins): Right foot blue! (watches) OTHER right foot!! -- The one you just moved!!! Kid: how many right foots I got? Black(sighs): On the other hand... I think I'm content with you, Harry. Harry: (grins) Later in the den: Lupin sits on the couch surrounded by 3 and 4 year olds; Snape sits far removed in an arm chair, watching in distaste as the kid climb all over the sofa and Lupin as if it/he's all one gigantic jungle gym. Lupin: ah.. hey kids, don't touch the stuff on that dresser - ow- that's my ear! Snape(out of nowhere): ..why'd you do it, Lupin? Lupin: Hm? Snape: ..help with these monsters.. Lupin: ... I feared for their welfare around you. Snape: What about your welfare around them? (a child is pulling on Lupin's hair.) Lupin(chuckles): I didn't think that far ahead. Snape: mm hm.. Lupin: Good idea, Severus - why don't you take care of them for a bit? Snape: I don't think.. they'd like that... Three hours later in the sun room - Dumbledore is snoring quietly on his sofa; the children are still circled around Voldemort and leaning forward, hanging on his every word. Voldemort: THAT was when I knew I was close -- eternal life - imagine it, Children.... never being able to die - to be killed - invincibility. POWER! But.... it was not to be.. At least not then - for how could I have known that a raging wild fire would sweep through the forest, destroying the only known surviving patch of the Genista Plastanaecis species!! (sigh)... Cruel fate had struck her bastard child down yet again- BigBrother: NO USING FOUL LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, MR. RIDDLE! Voldemort: I was not using it in a foul sense. Anyway - I had faced defeat before, and I was not about to give up so easily.. Hermione and Tonks have given up on football and are now just playing Monkey in the Middle with their kids. The monkey in the middle in question (a pudgy three year old) staggers up to Tonks Monkey: Your haris purpur! Tonks: Yes! It's purple! Monkey: whhhhhyyyyy? Tonks: Because I like that color.. Well, I did when I changed it. Monkey: hahahah (the ball smacks Tonks in the head) SevenYearOld: HEHEHEH! Tonks: Ohh! Monkey: BALLLLL! (picks it up) Hermione: hah, you lose, Tonks! you're in the middle! Tonks: Oh wonderful! and drags on.... Kitchen: Draco: I hate children. Lucius: I know. (The mischievous boy from the first ice cream encounter sticks his head around the corner and, seeing the coast clear, sneaks to the refrigerator. Draco spots him the moment he opens the door.) Draco: WHAT AGAIN? BRAT! (jumps from chair) Boy: Heheh! (takes ice cream) Lucius: Now you've done it. He thinks it's a game! Draco(seizes the ice cream; it does not pull from the child's grasp) This child is very strong!! Lucius(knowingly): Children and the insane... funny that.. Draco(loses his hold on the ice cream; falls back onto floor): OH ! My tailbone! Lucius(laugh): You are not going to survive our Big Brother sojourn, I fear.. Boy: HAHAHAH! Lucius: Doesn't he remind you of Black? Draco(back on his feet; the kid steps on his toe): Argh!! That's it! (whips out wand) Boy: oohhhhhh magic! Lucius(jumps up): DONT DO IT!!! Draco(shaking in rage): YOUuuuuuuuuuu little muggle demon- Stup-- (Lucius dives at him; seizes wand hand) Lucius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Boy: hahahahahah! (Both Malfoys tumble into the pantry door; cans and bottles crash on the other side of it.) Draco: OAGHH! Lucius: FOOL! (restrains him) Draco: LET ME AT IT!!! Lucius(rips the wand from his grasp): NO! MAGIC! (Draco freezes; they both slowly look towards the ceiling in anticipation of the dreaded announcement from Big Brother... the boy giggles inanely meanwhile.) BigBrother(hint of disappointment): The junior Malfoy should thank his father for stopping him.... (Draco sighs in relief; looks sheepishly at Lucius, who is every bit the stern parental figure of doom.) Lucius: Would you mind much..... getting off me, son? Draco: heh.. (hops to his feet, rubbing his lower back) Lucius(stands with as much dignity as he can muster; brushes hair from face; glares): one of these days..... one of these days... Boy: hehehehe! Lucius: ---DAMN BRAT! (wrenches the ice cream box away; the child is appropriately scared and runs out again.) Back in the den; Snape is reading Hoax Hexing, Lupin is being climbed upon. Lupin: O-K, kids! You can play with the nice man in black while I get a drink from the kitchen! (stands up; children fall off in various directions.) Snape(looks up suspiciously) What are you playing at, Lupin? Lupin(tiredly): You get to watch them for a bit, Severus... (exit) Snape: .... (looks at the children, who eye him warily) All right. Sit in a circle, children. (pause).... Sit... In.. A Circle.... (the kids sense that this man is not to be toyed with, and they obey fearfully) Good. and tell us your names one at a time.. (silence; Snape points a bony finger at a small girl) You. Go First. Girl: (whimper) Meanwhile, Lupin is enjoying his new found freedom so much that he decides to take a tour of the premises. In the living room, he stumbles upon Sirius and Harry sitting with some children around the coffee table. They are playing cards, all hands showing; Black is talking animatedly.. Black: Now you see - dealer's showing a jack and a three, and how many points does that add up to? SevenYearOld: Thirteen! Black: Right - so there's a good chance that he'll bust on the next hit - and he has to hit until 16, don't forget.. So you (to the six year old next to him) with your eleven want to do... what? SixYearOld: Uhm.... hit? Black: DOUBLE DOWN! Lupin: Are you teaching those kids muggle blackjack?? Black(grinning): I dare say it's more useful to them than wizard blackjack - besides, no magic! Lupin(trying to remain serious): but - you can't teach them GAMBLING! Harry: Why not? They're just playing with cheerios. Lupin: And how'd you get cheerios? Black(grins): I sent this one into the kitchen (proudly pats the six year old on the back)- took it right from under the Malfoys' noses... Lupin: Gambling and stealing! Big brother should have known better than to let us babysit.. Black: Hey - I'm a serial killer and escaped convict - I don't want to hear it! SevenYearOld(to Harry): Heheh - he's funny Harry: So how's Snape? Has he killed any kids yet? Lupin: hm.... not that I'm aware of.. I really should check on him, though....Have fun, kids.. Kids: BYE! (Lupin leaves.) Back in the sun room: Dumbledore: zzzzzz Voldemort: THAT was when I knew it could be done... But I cannot tell you why exactly in the presence of this fellow (nods towards Dumbledore). Kid: Why not? Voldemort: He's Albus Dumbledore. Kids: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (they all turn around regard him with narrowed eyes) Voldemort: Yes, my little friends.... You see my dilemma.... Lupin returns to the den to find Snape reclining in his arm chair, the children sitting indian style in a circle before him, reciting their ABC's backwards one at a time. NervousSixYearOld: uhhh... G.......F... .......(thinks) E... D.. C, B, A. Snape: Correct... (points at the next child in the circle) You. TerrifiedFourYearOld: ....Z? Snape: ..................Yes.. Then..? TerrifiedFourYearOld(about to cry): ... X? Snape: ... No. Lupin: Severus.... (The girl old jumps up and stumbles over to Lupin, wraps arms his legs and cries.) TerrifiedFourYearOld: DA BAAAD MAN SAID NO!!! Lupin(hand to mouth, clearly trying to wipe away a smile): .... Severus... What are you doing to these children? Snape(glint of irony): .... proving that rote memorization by songs is a bad way to learn the alphabet.. (Lupin clears his throat and furrows his brow - still trying to play the concerned and serious colleague. Snape's smirk indicates that he is not at all taken in.) Lupin: I agree with that... but.. your methods... might be considered questionable.. Snape: Questionable... but effective... and... dare I say, entertaining.. (The children have no idea what's being said; all they recognize is that Good and Evil are talking to each other and that one of them has to win.) Lupin: Not entertaining for the kids- Snape(stands up): That is the fundamental difference in our teaching philosophies.. but you should be glad for the "questionable methods"... they force the children to appreciate you nice teachers.. (having sneered the last two words he starts to walk out.) Lupin: What - where are you going? Snape: My turn for a break. and drags on.... Big Brother mercifully "repossesses" the children at 6 o'clock on the dot. BigBrother: ATTENTION CHILDREN - YOU ARE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.. First return items you have stolen to the kitchen table before exiting.. HOUSEMATES, you have won the challenge. Voldemort: Ah - sorry kids, story time up.. Perhaps next week I'll tell you about Harry Potter... (And so the children say their goodbyes - honestly in the case of Voldemort's kids, and the household returns to peace. The housemates gather in the kitchen, including Voldemort and Dumbledore, who has just awakened from his four-hour nap.) Tonks: Look who's here! Voldemort: I had to see what Timothy stole from Bedroom Number One.. Black: .... we locked those doors.. Voldemort: .... not well enough. Lucius(sees something amidst rubbish on table): THAT'S MY CHOKER! Harry: uh oh, they broke into the rooms.. (Snape enters the room imperiously..) Snape: There's a small child.. handcuffed to my bed.. Black: hahaha! Lucius(grumbles): I'll get it.... (starts to get up) BigBrother: There is no need for that, Mr. Malfoy... We will take care of the child.. (eerie pause) Well, housemates... You did win the challenge. BARELY. But in light of what we said this morning, we must grant you a slightly more lenient punishment than we had originally intended. Harry: We win the challenge and you're punishing us!? BigBrother: This is for misuse of magic. Hermione: Some of us haven't!! BigBrother: Your punishment will last for a week, starting from the moment it arrives.... That is all. (pause) Dumbledore(twinkling): Now what do you suppose they meant by that? Voldemort: Best not to ask... (They can hear the sounds of the front door opening and closing, then nervous footsteps.. and a shaky "Hello?" - Black and Lupin exchanged a glance of horror; everyone turns to the doorway as the footsteps become louder and their new house guest appears. The disgust sweeps over them all. Everyone, from Harry to Voldemort, is eyeing the newcomer with wide-eyed hostility.) Dumbledore(saves face first): Well.. Peter.. Voldemort: ..... Wormtail.. Lupin&Black: Bastard. Pettigrew(nervous squeak): ..Hello.. everyone.... we can all... get along for one week, can't we??? TBC |