Evil Conspiracies

In the shadow of so many opportunities to flex their iron fists, so many opportunities to try to screw hungry students out of their money, so many opportunities to mislead their peers, who can blame the evil Conspirators of sleepy little Middletown for their evilness? Evil Conspiracies these days are everywhere you look: National Liar has, over its one year of protecting the Union, warned of over 1,826,226 conspiracies in some form or another. It's a confusing world, and often a person just doesn't know what conspiracies are trying to control you. Let's take a magical imagination tour of a typical day at school, where there is a shit-load of conspiracies. It's first period, for example, and you are as hungry as National Liar editor Andrew Edelman. Well, what are you going to eat? You look around the room and yell, "Does anyone have any food?" And ho! There's a well-groomed food broker now, just materializing by your desk! Yes, it is none other than a mindless minion of the Future Business Leaders of America, the organization that trains well-to-do students to screw each other before they can screw the proletariat. Check the size of that candy, Jack, because it is significantly smaller than what any other club is selling, but of course, now that the FBLA punk has marked his territory, the Chess team, and their reasonably-sized candy bars, are no where to be seen. Sweat dripping down your brow like a bull who knows he's about to be turned into an ox (this'll come later), you buy the candy and now you are as thirsty as a yak in heat. Your teacher is perhaps, a pretty cool cat, so he let's you go get a drink. You wink exaggeratedly to make sure everyone knows that by drink, you mean you wish to partake of the succulent nectar of the forbidden cafeteria vending machines, who themselves are unwitting accomplices in another evil conspiracy. Now, whenever there is any sort of violence in a school anywhere that makes it onto the sagacious Fox News Channel, the administrators of every school in the country take action to try to make sure everyone in their school is very very thirsty. Apparently, the Fox News Channel did a report linking hydration to school violence, because if you are caught in the hallway with a bottle, be it a molotov cocktail or a delightfully refreshing Diet Coke, you'd better hope that that security guard skulking after you isn't packing a scalpel or else you might find yourself coming out of that sticky situation as half the man you were earlier that morning. If you haven't already read the caption and blurb which spell it out in a way that is obvious to even a South Park viewer, what I am trying to say is that people caught carrying bottles or purchasing them are going to be castrated (or spayed). This is the penalty prescribed by the 2000-2001 student handbook as well as the 1938-1939 Nazi Germany student handbook. Now that your hunger is sort of satiated, your whistle has been wet and you are still a tad loopy from the heavy castration anastesia, it looks like it's time to lay back and read a heartwarming issue of National Liar's only competitor: the Lion's Roar. Now, aside from the obvious lack of ads featuring stylized swastikas talking in German and the peculiar presence of a few events that did actually happen and the lower quality of paper, the Lion's Roar appears, to the uneducated eye, to be superficially similar to National Liar. However, there is a key difference, and it is very visible in the picture in the top right corner of the last issue of the Lion's Roar (February/March 2001). Check out that picture of the acting governor holding a "press conference." According the Funk & Wagnalls New Dictionary of the English Language, a press conference is only a press conference when "a number of journalists" are present. Well, in that picture we do see a bunch of school newspaper punks, but, where, pray tell, are the National Liar journalists? Well, apparently&emdash;and this is so apparent that it is probably true&emdash;the Lion's Roar, being a state newspaper (like Pravda), used some of its political influence in the school to bar National Liar from even finding out about the "press conference" until the day before and then erased the brains of anyone the NL editors asked about it so they couldn't give coherent answers. And thus, we'll never know if Acting Governor Defrancesco has ever had sexual relations with President Bush. All because the Lion's Roar is evil. There are plenty of conspiracies around. You just have to look for them, or be screwed over by them if you are National Liar. Indeed, the bathroom thing is a conspiracy, as is anything relating to cows. Recent evidence shows that crappy Britney Spears music is part of an elaborate plan to enable the Frog People of Alpha Centauri to control the pathetically gullible prepubescent population.

The Ultraviolet light in the FBLA Display case kills people who don't buy enough candy from them.

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