NEW YORK-- It was a unruly scene outside LaGuardia International Airport yesterday, as INS agents took little Aluicious Higginsworth, a British national, away, intending to keep him in the United States. This is , despite the fact that he's an English citizen, and flying to England&emdasha fact that the INS doesn't even try to deny. Frantic witnesses, overly proud of their own ability to witness stuff, blubbered on like Keith Richards on crack, telling what they saw action for action.

Apparently Aluicious was taken out of the airplane lavatory, at gunpoint, and led out by INS Special Forces. Despite having shown a valid passport, plane ticket, and nifty English style hat, INS officials cite that due to an overwhelming response to the Elian case, the INS doesn't want any cute children to leave US territory.

"We don't want those fumming communists taking back any cute children until it is confirmed that no one in the United States wants them; we can't let it harm our spotless image," said Attorney General Janet Reno, reflecting the confused uninformed frenzy of the people.

"We don't want another Elian, nor do we want to be in the same position as the Cubans, because then they'll be calling us names and it will hurt our feelings."

As of now, Aluicious (or, as he is becoming known, Eli�n II), is being held in a Motel 6. The INS claims to be working out a deal with his parents, but none has been reached. At one point, Mr. Reno personally called them. The Higginsworths reportedly replied "What in bloody hell is wrong with you people?"

Oddly enough, in the last week flights from Miami to New York have increased, as protesters gather outside the hotel room, holding a vigil for the boy who INS thinks is too cute not to be a US citizen.