Welcome to the personal website of Nathanial Thorne. �Casa Thorne,� you say? Not bloody likely! More like loony-bin Thorne! The joint is still being built, so watch out for naily boards, crude construction workers with their butt cracks hanging out, and wet cement.
This is NOT the set-up I would have chosen, but it�ll do for now... If you want the profanity-laden details, look at the links to the left, just under the picture. See the one that says �Hall of Blame?� Click on that, and it�ll take you to a fair, unbiased account of precisely why Yahoo�s PageWizard program sucks, what an insufferable knob Bill Gates is, and how hard-done-by I am. Hey, I�m not PAYING anything for this joint, so why don�t they provide better construction materials?? Rotten Microsoft crap! (He degenerates into mumbles, with the odd fitful curse thrown in...)
Anyway, I�d better explain something right off. There are links (like the ones to the left) on each page. Because I AM stuck using this freakin� PageWizard piece o� excrement, I am forced to use a stupid template format for each page, with no ability to change it or add any features. As a result, (because I�m a crafty guy) I had to devise another way for people to navigate the place. This is where the links come in. They are pretty well self-explanatory, at least for most people. One thing you SHOULD be aware of, though...
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�S� links take you to another page at this site
�L� links take you to another location OUTSIDE THIS SITE� �off property�
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Once you leave this joint, you�ll need to click on your browser�s �back� button to get back here. And, just in case it�s not painfully obvious, I�m not responsible for anything you trip over or that shocks your sensibilities if you�ve wandered off of my property. Damn lawyer says I gotta tell everybody that, just to cover my butt.....
Now pay attention, people. This is important, and I�ll only say it once, so don�t come crying to me afterwards that you were busy stuffing potato chips into yer pie-hole and not paying attention, or something stupid like that. This is going to be your only warning! I am a gracious, even sometimes vivacious and effervescent host. I can be witty, charming and smooth, if I want to be. I can also be opinionated, loud and boisterous, shocking, and sometimes I belch without covering my mouth, scratch myself in unseemly places, and cuss like a drill sergeant. Depends what kinda mood I�m in. So, if you�re the dainty, delicate type, better hit the bricks.
Anyway, just as a general rule, if you�re under 18, you�d better hit the trail, too. I don�t want to be hauled up on some morals charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, or nothin.� And there WILL be some �delinquency� in here, at one point or another, you can be sure! I haven�t decided exactly what, but I�ll try to come up with some funky party games while we wait for the refreshments. (Hey WAITER!!! We need a round, here!) Oh, crap, I guess I�M the darn waiter! Siddown, siddown. Lemme �freshen that up� for ya...(he meanders away to the bar, swapping rude jokes with a tall, statuesque brunette.... The new arrivals fidget, then make themselves comfortable on the settee. He finally returns, with a fresh tray of drinks, laughing uproariously.)
Man, that was funnn-eee! I�ve got a new one for the list... Oh, that�s right� you don�t know about the list yet. See that link over on the left, that says �It�s not ALL serious?� If you click on that one, it�ll take you to some of my favorite jokes. Well, people are always givin� me new ones, try�na get me to add �em onto the list. But only the best ones get on. If you get kinda bored, or if you�re in need of a giggle, pop on over and browse through �em. I�m sure there�s at least one or two you�ll find yourself repeating to the boys at the water cooler tomorrow...
The middle link? Aww, that�s the flip side of the �Hall of Blame,� dude. That�s �The White Hats,� the people I really like� there�s only two in there so far. Haa-haaa! No, I�m gonna add more, but it takes time, y�know. After a bit, I might even have a whole... ummm... five, or so... haaa haaaa! No, seriously, it�s all about the folks who I think of as particularly good friends, people who�ve always been heroes of mine, and� ..... No, smart-ass, BATMAN isn�t in there!! And anyway, ya goof (he says, with a sniff) it�d be Bruce WAYNE, �coz Batman wasn�t a real person! (He grins widely at the uncertain smiles on the newcomers� faces.) Anyway, if you wanna take a look, stroll on over� it �s not locked. Just use the links to come back here to the foyer when you�re done. And when you�re all through with that, just use that top link to c�mon inside.
How will you know where to go? Well, just inside the front door� through that link� I�ve got a sort of �floor plan� of the joint drawn up, so�s nobody gets lost or nuthin�. There�s some screwy cul-de-sacs in this place, �coz of the crummy building materials I had to use. Even got MYSELF all turned around a few times, while I was throwin� the place together. Just remember, if all else fails, use your browser�s �back:� button to get outta any jams. But I think I got it pretty well marked, so you shouldn�t have any problems.
And I�ll warn ya� there�s some politics �n religion, and all kind�a offensive and shocking stuff in there� might even be some bad language and such. Oh! (He glances nervously from side to side.) I�d better warn you.... I�ve got some... uh... fruitcakes in there. (He twirls his index finger in a clock-wise fashion beside his right ear.) Y�know� nuts. Batty. Wonky. Whatever the technical terms the psychiatrists are using nowadays. Got one feller in there thinks� honest to gawd!� he thinks he WON the last Yanqui presidential election! Yeah, I know, screwy, ain�t it. He struts around and acts like a blowhard, but he�s really just a reformed alkie party boy. Just play along with him when he gets rantin� about being President� y�know, humour him? I know he�s kind of a pain in the ass, but you�ll get a kick outta him. Rich kid, ivy-league school and all, but he comes out with the most hilarious stuff! Told everybody one time that we�d all �misunderestimated� him. Cripes, I nearly HURT myself laughing over that one!!!
Oh� and... uh... (he digs at the carpet with his toe) ... there�s another guy who�s a gen-yoo-wine crazy man. Wavin� picket signs, an� foaming at the mouth. Calls himself �Phred,� or something like that. Better just look at him from a distance. He might bite or something. He�s a serious loony case. I don�t know why I don�t just kick him out on his bony ass. He�s more damn trouble than he�s worth, by a long shot. Gets everybody stirred up with his crackpot ideas. And he�s always condemning everybody to HELL, dude! Even the dope who thinks he�s president of the Excited States. That gets pretty damn OLD after not too long, y�know? I might just heave his scrawny hide outta here before I�m through....
Hey, I see some friends of mine comin� in the door. I�d better go say �hi� and take their coats. You folks have fun, y�hear? And if I�m not here at the door when y�all are ready to leave, I just stacked your coats in the bed in there. And if ya want, you can drop a note telling me what a sparkling host I am in the mailbox over on the left, there. So take the tour, and enjoy yourselves! (And he wanders off, raising his half-full glass and yelling at the latest arrivals. CON, you ol� sod! And Richard! Good ta see ya! Waiter! Hey WAITER!!! Oh hell, ya....)
