Note: as jokes are added, they will go at the TOP of the list
******************************
INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.By following the simple advice, I have finally found Inner peace........
The way to achieve inner peace is: "to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.... and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 bottles of beer, a1/2 can of cider, a large reefer and some cheese.
You have no idea how f**king good I feel....
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...
*************
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRINK
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up & cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, &I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said,- "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
*************
AN ALBERTA HOCKEY JOKE
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Calgary. One of them is attacked by a rabid Rottwieler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Calgary Sun reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Flames fan", the little hero replied. Sorry, since we are in Calgary, I just assumed you were", said the reporter, and he started again.
"Little Stampeders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack", he continued writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Stamps fan either", cried the boy. "I assumed everyone in Calgary was either a Flames fan or Stamps fan.
"What team do you root for then?" asked the reporter.
"I'm an Edmonton Oilers' fan", the boy said proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Ukrainian Bastard from Edmonton Kills Beloved Family Pet".
*******
SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure..
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!
Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day.
Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!!!
I AM CANADIAN!!!
*******
CANADIAN "SURVIVOR"
CBC Television is developing a Canadian version of "Survivor", the popular TV show.
The rules are simple:
Each contestant must travel to Alberta and go from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton,Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks,Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again, driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: " I voted for Chreti�n, I'm from Ontario, I'm gay and I'm here to take your guns".
The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner.
*******
CHILDREN: A CAUTIONARY TALE
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid
*******
MANAGEMENT & ENGINEERING
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist,
"Everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
*******
THIS one�s a TRUE story... (but it�s funny too!)
AQUARIUM DISCOVERS TWO "GA" PENGUINS
By Beth Shapiro, 365gay.com
SUMMARY: Officials at the New York Aquarium finally realize that the most dedicated couple in the penguin enclosure is a pair of males. Wendell and Cass would be more comfortable in a Greenwich Village one bedroom apartment than their current home at the New York Aquarium.
The male penguins, each about 14 years old, can't get enough of each other. The couple has been together for the past eight years, and the two have sex with each other whenever they can, which is often.
Presumably penguins can tell the guys from the gals, but aquarium officials apparently can't. For years they thought the pair was one of each. The truth didn't come out until aquarium staff carried out a blood test.
Angie Pelekedis, a spokeswoman for the aquarium on Coney Island, said: "They're one of the most dedicated couples in the penguin enclosure."
Penguin keeper Stephanie Mitchell added: "I was only seeing one mate with the other, but then one of the other keepers saw it happen the other way round so we did a blood test that proved they were both male.
"Cass tends to be a rather aggressive bird. Wendell is very nervous; always has been. He's on edge all the time. They're currently in a dispute with another couple over their nest. It seems to be one of the most desirable pl
*******
HANGOVER RATING SYSTEM
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
*******
THANK GAWD FER HEROES!!!
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Thank God for heroes!
*******
IRAQI WINGER SIGNS WITH VANCOUVER CANUCKS
Vancouver coach Marc Crawford sends scouts out round the World looking for a new winger to play on the second line and hopefully provide some secondary scoring.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi winger who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Crawford and Burke fly to Iraq to watch him and are suitably impressed and arrange for him to come to Canada. Two weeks later Vancouver are 4-0 down at home to Montreal with only 8 minutes left. Marc gives the young Iraqi the nod to go on and he puts him on in place of Naslund.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins the game for Vancouver. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches
are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the ice he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in the NHL "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time". The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Surrey in the first place!"
*******
LABOUR WOES....
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don't get paid overtime.
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
(Gee, I hope there isn�t a strike!)
*******
THE MAN RULES
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ...and, these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up,you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education
*******
THE NEW ENGLISH
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze world!!!
*******
NEW WORDS & DEFINITIONS
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 and 2003
Winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Caterpallor(n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Arachnoleptic fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency to think that stupid ideas seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
*******
HOKEY-POKEY OBITUARY
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week: Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in - and then all the trouble started...
*******
Here is a funny one to think of when you think things can not get much worse at your job. For all of us that complain about our jobs! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, was laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
*******
POOR OL' GRANDPA
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."
*******
PROUD TO BE CANADIAN
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually Michael the archangel found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."
*******
MENTAL HEALTH ANSWERING MACHINE
Transcript of the new PABX answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:
"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no-one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and
grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep.
Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you."
*******
SHAKESPEARIAN HOKEY-POKEY
The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that asks readers to submit "instructions" for something (anything), but written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry was The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare).
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
-- by William Shakespeare
(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)
*******
SOUTHERN HUMOR
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"
******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
******
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. " The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
****
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? Documentaries
******
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
*******
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
******
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead".
*******
FOR ST. PADDY'S DAY...
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sod, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*****************************************************************
Irish Cemetery:
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
***************************************************************
Irish Miracle:
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, tank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I tought I'd gone deaf."
**************************************************************
Irish Accident:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
***************************************************************
Irish Predicament:
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
**************************************************************
Irish Last Request:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service,and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
*******
UNITED NATIONS' SURVEY
This is almost not funny...
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" was;
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant;
In Western Europe they didn't know what"shortage" was;
In China they didn't know what"opinion" meant;
In the Middle East they didn't know what"solution" was;
In South America they didn't know what"please" meant;
And in The USA they didn't know what"rest of the world"meant.
*******
US CIVICS LESSON
Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announces, "Alright, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."
Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why are you using the U.S.A Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again. Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."
Mary Ellen raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why are you using the U.S.A Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?"
GOLFERS
Four men went to play golf. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock and bond portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and works as a dancer in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be a really good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a new Mercedes, and a complete stock portfolio!
LOST BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the little female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hellooooooo, we're doooooown heeeeeeeere..!"
The Texas Hillbilly
(Sing along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now.
Ya hear?
Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
*******
WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY AND LIVE WITH MY KIDS
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!)
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet ..... when she's sleeping!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
*******
SHE SAID / HE HEARD...
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and-
You'll have no clothes to wear if we-
Don't do laundry right now! "
What a man hears:
blah blah blah,C'MON
blah blah blah, YOU AND I
blah blah blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah blah blah, NO CLOTHES
blah blah blah, RIGHT NOW !
*******
WHY AM I SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...
*******
TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK
Log On: Making the wood stove hot
Log Off: Too much wood on the far
Monitor: Keep�n an eye on the wood stove
Down Load: Gettin� the farwood off�n the truck
Mega Hertz: When yer not keerful gettin� the farwood
Floppy Disc: Whatcher git fer tryin� to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing what splits the farwood
Hard Drive: Gettin� home in the winter time
Windows: What to shet when it�s cold outside
Screen: What to shet when it�s black-fly season
Byte: What dem gol-dang flies do
Chip: Munchies fer the tee-vee
Micro-Chip: What�s in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: Whatcha do to dem hay fields
Dot Matrix: Ol� Dan Matrix�s wife
Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Whar ya hang the gol-durn truck keys
Software: Dem dang plastic forks an� knives
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: That�s hippie talk fer where that gol-durn mouse lives
Mainframe: Holds up the barn roof
Port: Fancy flatlander wine
Enter: Northerner talk fer "C�mon in, y�all!"
Click: Whatcher hear when ya cock yer rifle
Double Click: When ya cock yer double-barrel
Reboot: Whatcher gotta do right a�fore bedtime, if�n ya don�t have indoor plumbing
************
A GRATUITOUS DAVID BECKHAM JOKE
In 2017, Posh Spice and David Beckham are hounded out of the UK and set off for California to buy a ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. Years of designer clothes and Brooklyn�s drug habit has taken their toll.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their stock. Posh looks at the bank balance, then takes their last $600 out and heads west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells David, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I�ll contact you to drive out after me and bring it home."
Posh arrives at the man�s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send David a telegram to tell him the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to David Beckham telling him that I�ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to the pick-up truck and drive out here so we can take it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he�ll be glad to help her, the adds, "It�s just 99 cents per word." Well, after paying for the bull,
Posh has only $1 left. She realizes that she�ll only be able to send David one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods and then
says, "I want you to send him the word �comfortable,�"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch up the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word �comfortable�?"
Posh explains, "David�s stupid; he�ll read it slowly."
Think about it..
***************
DID YOU KNOW:
If you yelled for eight years, seven months and six days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you "break wind" consistently for six years and nine months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that�s more like it!)
A pig�s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(How�d they figure this out, and why?! But, in my next life I want to be a pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can�t get over that pig thing! Anyway, don�t try this one at home� maybe at work.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper�s always smiling? And pigs get... doesn�t seem fair.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you�re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls on its left side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of.. ? Did taxpayers pay for this research?!)
Polar bears are left-handed.
Who knew? Who cares? How�d they find out ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That�s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(Thirty minutes! Can you imagine... and why pigs?!?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
(Oh, JEEZ!! Creee-py!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate when its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male�s head off.
(Hi honey, I�m home! What�s for -------)
Some lions mate over 50 times in a day.
(In my next life, I still wanna be a pig--- quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(That�s almost as bad as catfish.)
An ostrich�s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
All I can say after all that is.. lucky pigs!
And finally....
OH, THOSE AMERICANS!!!
Taken from the book, "Disorder In The Court." These were things people said in open court, word for word:
Q: What is the date of your birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
*****
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*****
Q: This myasthenia gravis� does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you�ve
forgotten?
*****
Q: How old is your son?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can�t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
*****
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
*****
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
*****
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the cat?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
*****
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
*****
Q: Did he kill you?
*****
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
*****
Q: You were there, until the time you left, is that true?
*****
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
*****
Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
*****
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up, also?
*****
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height, and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
*****
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*****
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*****
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
*****
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
*****
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have been alive nevertheless?
A: It�s possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
*****
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
*****
Q: What did the tissue sample taken from the victim�s vagina show?
A: There were traces of semen.
Q: Male semen?
A: That�s the only kind I know of.
*****
Q: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that questions.
Q: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
A: No.
*****
Clerk: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God"
Witness: "I swear by Almighty God"
C: "That the evidence that I give"
W: That�s right.
C: Repeat it.
W: "Repeat it."
C: No! Repeat what I said!
W: What you said when?
C: "That the evidence that I give"
W: "That the evidence that I give"
C: "Shall be the truth and"
W: It will, and nothing but the truth!
C: Please, just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and"
W: I�m not a scholar, you know.
C: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth
and"
W: Shall be the truth and"
C: Say "Nothing"
W: [Interrupting] Okay.
C No! Don�t say nothing. Say "Nothing but the truth."
W: Yes.
C: Can�t you say "Nothing but the truth"?
W: Yes.
C: Well? Do so.
W: You�re confusing me.
C: Just say "Nothing but the truth."
W: Okay, I understand.
C: Then say it.
W: What?
C: "Nothing but the truth."
W: But I do! That�s just it!
C: You must say "Nothing but the truth."
W: I will say nothing but the truth!
C: Please! Just repeat these four words: "Nothing." "But." "The."
"Truth."
W: What? You mean like now?
C: Yes! Now please... Just say those four words.
W: "Nothing." "But." "The." "Truth."
C: Thank you.
W: I�m just not a scholar.
(I know, I know� sounds like something out of Monty Python, or an old Abbot & Costello routine.)
Q: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cow shed?
A: I did.
Q: As a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
A: I did.
Q: And did you observe anything?
A: I did. [Witness remains silent.]
Q: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
A: I saw George.
Q: You saw George -------, the defendant in this case?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you tell the Court what George ------- was doing?
A: Yes. [Witness remains silent.]
Q: Well, would you kindly do so?
A: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
Q: His "thing"?
A: You know... his thing. His di� I mean, his penis.
Q: You passed by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
A: Yes.
Q: Did you say anything to him?
A: Of course I did!
Q: What did you say to him?
A: Morning, George.
(Okay, now that one REALLY sounded like a Python script� can�t you see Eric Idle and John Cleese just killing with that bit?)
