| Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk. When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. It's true that every time you hear a bell ring, an angel gets its wings. But whatthey don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, becuase they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice. One time when I was young, my dad came home and said, "Come on, son, let's go fishing!" I remember thinking that he was going to kill me. I don't know why I thought that; he had never tried to kill me before, but then again, he had never taken me fishing before, either. We drove and drove, and when we finally got to the lake, he walked right up to the water and said, "Come on, son!" "Yeah right, Dad!" I yelled, "If that is your real name!" and I locked myself in the car. He never took me fishing again, which I think proves my point. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. |