| Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy |
| Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what? Can't we all be brothers? I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like: Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or: Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap! I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said: Watch for Rocks. Martha said it should read: Watch for Pretty Rocks. I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was just a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the guy at Marineland says: 'You can't throw chicken to dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said: I helped skin Bob. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says: 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and he was reading a magazine. If they ever come up with a Swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be 'Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something'. If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity happen. You know what would be the most terrifying thing for a flea? To get caught in a watch somehow. Hey, you don't even care, do you? I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? Sometimes I wish I were dead. No, wait. Not me -- you. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.' When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy. |