| Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. I wish outer space guys would conquer earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say 'That's dynamite, baby.' Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful flamingo, flying across a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also you're drunk. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The nest time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.' I don't pretend to know all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey, where am I? I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is: Can't you make it shoot any farther? 'No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.' How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. |