| If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat). I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said: How's my back tooth? and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said: oh, it's okay, then the patient would probably say: Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid? and you'd say: Aw &*$# you, get outta here, and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think: Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go: Hey, I'm Vine Man! To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says: Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say: Sorry, got these sacks. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disentegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others: I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun. To me, boxing is a lot like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. I'd rather be rich than stupid. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is: God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is: Probably because of something you did. If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. I wish there was a disease where you're afriad of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something. I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to first look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sight of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward. Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm just using blanks. If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. |