I shave my legs..
I sit down to pee..
N' I can justify..
Any shopping spree!

Don't go to the barber..
But a beauty salon..
I can get a massage..
Without a hard-on.

I can balance a checkbook..
I can pump my own gas..
Can talk to my friends..
About the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece..
And yes.. it takes long..
At least I can admit..
To others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles..
At any cost..
And I don't have a problem..
Admittin I'm lost.

I never forget..
And important date..
You just got to deal with it..
I'm usually.. fashionably late!

I don't watch movies..
With lots of gore..
Don't need an instant reply..
To remember the score.

I won't lose my hair..
I don't got jock itch..
And because I'm assertive..
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends..
"Oh yeh.. I can get her.."
In your dreams.. by dear..
I can do better!

Flowers are okae..
But jewelries are the best..
Look at me.. you idiot!
Not at my chest.

I don't have a problem..
With expressing my feelings..
I know when you're lying..
You look at the ceiling!

Don't call me a GIRL..
a BABE or a CHICK..
I'm a WOMAN..
Get it.. you dick?!

When I was in my younger days..
I weighed a few pounds less..
I needn't hold my tummy in..
To wear a belted dress.

But now that I am older..
I've set my body free..
There's comfort of elastic..
Where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes..
My feet have not forgiven..
I have to wear a nine now..
But used to wear a seven.

And how about those pantyhose..
They're sized by weight.. you see..
So how come when I put them on..
The crotch is at my knees?

I need to wear these glasses..
As the prints were getting smaller..
And it wasn't very long ago..
I know that I was taller.

Though my hair has turned to grey..
And my skin no longer fits..
On the inside.. I'm the same old me..
Just the outside's changed a bit.

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly..
Please take it away
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young..
And thank you Dear Lord
for all that you've done!

Now I lay me down to sleep..
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed..
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door..
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end..
And never compare me to my best friend.

Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait..
For I know you will send him before it's too late.

Amen

Two beautiful legs.. so long and so slender..
Round.. slim.. and firm.. and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire..
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts.. so full and so proud..
Commanding his eyes.. as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms.. just aching to bless you..
And two loving hands.. to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder..
And two dreamy eyes.. just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man.. just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.. and ruined the whole damn thing.

A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.
B is for BULLSHIT, which is what he was full of.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.
D is also for "Damn the bad luck" which is what I have in Dating men.
E is for everything he said we'd do, everything he said he was, and everything he's not.
E is also for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for faithful, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.
G is for GOD the one he thought he was and wanted to be worshipped as.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.
I is for Impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
I is also for the inbreeding that occured in his podunk family.
J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.
K is for Key, the one that made the lovely designs on his truck.
K is also for Kick in the balls which is what I'm gonna give him if I see him again.
L is for Love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH (he drank an awful lot).
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.
O is for the orgasm he thought he made me have.
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.
R is also for the ring that he can't afford and will never buy.
S is for the sugar they found in his gas tank.
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.
U is for umbilical cord which was never severed when his mother gave birth.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him. Pins are inserted of course
W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.
X is what he is to me now!!!!
Y is for why the hell did I ever get involved with him.
Z is for the zoloft that I had to start taking.
. is for period, which is a good excuse that comes in handy once a month

No need to fear a growling bear
Or a dark forboding stranger.
But all you women on this earth
Beware of one grave danger!

Times have changed from years ago
But still it's just as then.
Be on your guard and on the watch
For our enemy is.... MEN!

There are many of them in the world..
Different, yet they're all the same. How often has one said "I love you"..
Then next week forgets your name?!

Where do they get the lines they use?
"Do you come here often?" "Beautiful eyes!"
It may sound good to hear them talk
But we know they're full of lies.

Make sure to watch for subtle tricks
Like "Loosen up, have a drink."
You'll know what his true motives are..
If you have the time to think.

You'd think they'd change as they mature..
Since wisdom comes with age.
But truthfully they never do
Outgrow that youthful stage.

The world would be a better place.
Without men. But still I doubt
That I would be much happier because
"Can't live with them.. or without

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers..
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early..
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal...

I'm glad I'm a woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me..
To have these two boobs and to squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand..
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep..
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Prepubescent imagery.
Empty, stupid eyes.
Waif thin.
Tyrannical.
No fat.
No body hair.
No character, no love, no personality -
no brain.
So thin, and yet..
so thick.
By your anodyne complicity
in this gruesome stereotype
you connive
in the corporate enslavement of your sisters
- anorexia, bulimia, self-loathing, fear.
They aspire to be like you
- an unnatural creation of capital -
and wreck their bodies in the process..
destroy their fertility..
tear apart their lives.
But hang on a minute?
Not my place to talk about that?
I'm a man, what do I know?
You're just trying to earn a living?
What I'm saying has been said before?
OK.
But when the football blokes look
and make some expected remark
I'm supposed to join in.
I'm supposed to fancy you -
or pretend to.
Well, I don't.
And I won't.
More than that.
You revolt me.
You give me an inversion.
It's quite simple really.
I just don't desire a stupid adman's toy
styled to look like a prepubescent girl
- a real 'babe' -
there in the tabloid
next to the lurid description
of Gary Glitter's downfall.
I love a real woman.
I won't buy the product you advertise.
I won't watch your latest film.
I'm not interested in your poxy TV series
I'll never set foot in that bloody car
and I hate you.
I know I should just ignore you, or feel sorry for you
but I hate you
and your fashionist masters
bringers of misery
destroyers of individuality
harbingers of despair.
Women and men:
Riot against diet!
Sod the microchip revolution -
let's have a fish 'n' chip one!
Cream bun chocolate cream bun chocolate
lard lard sag aloo beer beer beer!
Riot against diet!
Smash fashionism!
Say goodbye to Hello!
Make Cosmopolitan.. cosmopolitan!
Let's have a real woman's realm!
Take over the curry house
Fill your freezer full of ice cream
Live
Love
Get real!