December, 1996

The other day I was almost ashamed of being who I am. Not of my race, but of my gender. As a male, I have realized that, at times, we can be the weakest creatures on earth.

I am not saying females are better or stronger than males. I am just giving my opinion, being a young American male.

Ever since I was a little boy, I was always told that you're not a man until your mother says you are. Now either a lot of mothers lied to their sons, or the sons just assumed they were men for one reason or another.

Many times young males (when I refer to young males, I generally mean between the ages of 13-30, but it can refer to any male who's mental level is between 13-30 years old) assume they're men because they carry guns, beat on their girlfriend, get a girl pregnant, and / or because they kill people. In addition, these young males almost never take responsibility for these actions. Being a man, among other things, is being in control of yourself and taking responsibility for your actions.

The reason why I was almost ashamed the other day was because of the conversation I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I hadn't seen her in a few years, and I happened to see her at a convenient store.

Once she recognized me (old friends not recognizing me is common since I have drastically physically matured in the last few years), we hugged and stood there, catching up on old times.

I heard she had a baby, but I wasn't sure. When I saw the baby in her arms, she smiled at the child and then told me she wasn't seeing the father anymore. I didn't ask her why because I felt that information wasn't any of my business.

She asked if I could take her and her baby home. As we went, she started to talk about her baby. She said the baby was the center of her life and brought her so much joy.

Once inside the apartment, she fed the baby and put her to bed for the night.

That night we talked for hours about everything and anything, but I could not help thinking, "where was the baby's father?" Even though I grew up in a neighborhood with many teenage females raising children, I still wondered.

As the night went on, she told me why she wasn't with the father of her child anymore. The father of her child, this boy, physically and mentally abused her. She said she feared for her safety, as well as the child's. She kicked him out of the apartment many times, but kept taking him back because he promised he would change (sound familiar?).

Right then, I lost respect for a male I never even met. I tried to come up with a rational reason to justify his actions, but there were none. How could he disrespect his girl, and child, like that?

As I was sitting on that couch thinking about this, she said she was proud of me because I was taking care of my business, handling my affairs, and keeping myself in control. I then told her I was proud of her for the same reasons. She smiled and said with confidence, "that's what makes me a woman, and you a man." She said, "it isn't how a male looks or his ability to hit a female that makes him a man. Likewise, a baby doesn't make a female a woman."

As I left her apartment that night, I was glad to see she was strong enough (eventually) to move on with her life. At the same time, though, I was angry thinking about all of the males (boys) who put females through this abuse.

I do not, in any way, claim to fully understand what it feels like to go through this type of abuse. In the words of the late Tupac, "keep you head up" ladies, and I only pray that more males have the "strength" to become men.

Oh, and by the way, my mother has told me I am a man.