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http://flattops.webs.com/A Faithful Friend:How to Be a Friend to Someone with CancerFinding out that a friend or family member has cancer hurts you. It may leave you confused about what is and is not correct to do as your loved one goes through diagnosis and treatment. Before we start, first, stop beating yourself up. You may have many emotions that you're dealing with, especially if the diagnosis isn't positive. You may even be questioning whether or not you're doing enough. It's no small thing to find out someone you love is going through something as unfair as cancer. It's true that you are going to feel hurt, too. You may even wish to undergo counseling if this person is close to you. This article is about what you can do to reach out to your friend. It is not meant to diminish the thoughts and feelings you will be going through during this difficult time. Statements to Avoid"It's too much for me to handle!"There is a somewhat off-the-collar satire from The Onion where a friend goes on and on about how his friend having cancer is horrible for him. (You can read the satire on their site at http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41449, although please note that this online satire "newsmagazine" contains offensive material on other pages, about cancer and other topics). Of course, cancer/cancer genes are a big deal. Cancer is a horrible and scary disease, and it's a completely unfair one, too, striking people who did nothing to deserve it. It's okay for you to be hurt by this disease. It's normal for you to be hurt by this disease. What isn't okay is for you to abandon your friend because of it. I can't tell you how many people dropped out of my life as I dealt with my cancer gene diagnosis and subsequent surgeries, likely because it was just "too much" for them. And it's not because I was a crybaby or emotional wreck--though even if I had been, that still wouldn't have been a valid excuse to walk out. Cancer is a scary disease, and many people run away from people who have it. Please don't do this to your friend. She will notice."Let me know if I can help."This comment comes across as helpful . . . but the more you hear it, the more discouraging it is. Individuals who are going through traumatic experiences don't have the time to remember who offered help or to try and figure out someone's schedule and call around to see who can help. While many hurting people do turn to friends for help, it should ideally be a friend who makes the offer. Many people, unfortunately, feel intimidated asking friends for favors, or may feel like "charity cases" if they do so.What many hurting people find is that "let me know if I can help" is a comment as cliche as "Hi, how are you?" Some people say it without putting genuine meaning behind it; whereas others say it genuinely--it can be difficult to sort between the two! Instead of making a general offer, always make concrete suggestions for things you can do: Watch the kids, take their family a meal, etc. Try to iron out a date and time. And never, never forget it. Our family has had people offer concrete things and then totally forget. Remember once something is ironed out, that person is counting on you. Write it on the calendar and commit to it. "God told me to (do this/say this) . . ."This statement is used by many believers. While it can be reassuring to a friend to know God is interested in her life specifically and is speaking through you, sometimes this statement has been known to cause hurt. For example, someone I know said God told them that I should rely on faith healing and not medical treatments. Another person informed me that, should I have enough faith, God would create new breasts on my body. However, this is not what God, or medical science for that matter, was telling me.It's extremely important to think and pray authoritative statements through before saying them. Sometimes we get so enthused about a certain concept or idea that we feel God has put it on our hearts. However, even then, it's not always necessary to state that God told us to say it. For example, you can pass along a Bible verse you feel God has put on your heart without stating that God told you to do pass it on. If it touches her in the right way, she will know that God did play a part in it. Many times we claim divine inspiration for things that either (a) aren't really divinely inspired or that (b) even if they are, don't need to be verbally deemed so. Sometimes what we claim God told us may be in opposition to what a friend is feeling God is telling her, thus causing hurt and confusion for your friend, rather than comfort. It is already a confusing and sad time . . . be mindful of not making it more so. "I don't know what to say."If you don't know what to say, here are some ideas:One of the worst things to say, unfortunately, is "I don't know what to say." This doesn't offer comfort to a friend, and leaves them feeling that you are going to be silent and unhelpful. In other words, it puts a wall up in your friendship. Also, be aware that offering prayer is always appreciated, but just offering prayer may not help your friend feel like s/he is receiving support, because it's not something that is seen. An illustration is the man standing on the dock, watching his friend drown, who prays, "Dear Lord, please send someone to help my friend!" Much better to pray, "Dear Lord, help me and others know how to help my friend . . ." and "jump right in" to do it. "Other people are doing things, so I won't."Other people are sending flowers. Other people are sending cards. Other people are taking them meals. Other people are calling them. I might bother them if I do something--they're probably already surrounded by friends and loved ones. This seems to be the sentiment of many people who are on the outside. We think that by leaving people alone, we will be doing them a better service than by being there for them, because others are already taking care of these things, and we will just get in the way.The problem is that we don't know. We honestly don't know how little or how much help people are receiving when they go through cancer or cancer-related surgeries. For example, I really only had two people who were there for me unconditionally. Most people did one or two token things, like sending a card. Only two people sent me a plant or flowers. So please don't think that your efforts don't matter or would be the straw that broke the camel's back. You may end up being the one person who really is a consistent source of support for your friend. Just remember that if everyone else is thinking the same thing you are--then the person with cancer will end up with very little support! Actions to AvoidHeart-pouring to the wrong person.Sometimes in response to bad news, we find the nearest or most accessible person and pour our hearts out to him or her. For example, if you find out your best friend has cancer, you might call your mom and cry for hours into her ear about how much you love your best friend. However, this is something you should tell your best friend! When you and your family find out the news, of course you may need to talk it through and cry about it, but be sure all the nice things you have to say about your best friend are things you tell your best friend. She will appreciate hearing kind, positive words about your friendship and how much she means to you. Just be careful that the commentary is not overly-emotional ("I don't know what I'd do without you!"), and don't make it sound like you are saying goodbye to your friend.Using humor to detract from the situation.Jokes can be funny, and your friend will probably appreciate some fun and laughter and moments away from the seriousness of the matter. Just be sure to act with caution. Some people use humor as a way to cover up hurt. And some jokes right now may not be tasteful (examples: jokes about chemotherapy, boob jobs, or wigs). Be a little guarded with the humor and be tuned in to what your friend wants or needs from you. Your friend may need someone to cry with, and if you are always smiling and joking around, you won't come across as a sincerely concerned individual.Not knowing what to do/say . . .If you don't know what to do/say . . . that's why you're here! Hopefully this article will give you some ideas for how to reach out to your friend. A lot of people who don't know what to do end up doing nothing. It's one thing to not know what to do and another thing to tell your friend you don't know what to do/say. Saying this to your friend, as mentioned before, may put up a wall. If you try, you can think of things to say and do that will instead make your friendship all the more close.Not replying to e-mailsWith the invention of e-mail, many families have turned to mass e-mailing to update friends and family about cancer treatments. This saves them time and effort and reduces the potential emotional strain of repeating bad news, and the e-mails can be printed out for entire families to read. For example, our family is currently receiving two "mailing lists" from families touched by cancer. It may be tempting to approach these with a "read only" mentality, but don't forget that it only takes a moment to hit the reply button. Every once in a while, it would be a nice gesture to reply to the massive e-mail (remembering to reply only to the sender) with even just a short encouraging message, such as: "Our family always reads your updates. We love you and are praying for your family." (However, don't expect or require a response.)From my own experience with this, I have been extremely hurt when friends haven't replied to e-mails with cancer news in them. It often has left me wondering if the e-mail was lost and wondering whether or not they know yet. Even though the e-mail you receive may be a mass one, sometimes it is right to respond to mass e-mails. (Again, remembering to reply only to the original sender.) Sending something, and being done.I doubt this is ever consciously done, but many people make one token effort, then try to move on from the experience. For example, a friend of someone with cancer may send a card, then either move on with his life, or perhaps then treat the friend as if nothing is happening. Cancer is a long-term condition. If you want to be a real friend, then doing one thing is not enough.Thinking: "She's going through so much, she needs to be left alone."Being "left alone" by friends could lead to your loved one believing that she has been abandoned. Sadly, this sentiment seems to be an excuse to not do anything. Please don't make it. If everyone does this, all that ends up happening is that the person is left alone. If you feel like your presence would be intrusive, try something that isn't intrusive at all, like a friendly e-mail, card, letter, or flowers. Certain things like phone calls and unexpected visitors may be intrusive, but just letting someone know you're thinking of her never is.Praying for God to do something.A lot of people, when they hear about someone's problems, immediately sit down and pray. There's nothing wrong with this--in fact, it's wonderful--but there are plenty of people who only pray and expect the hurting person to magically sense that they're being prayed for. You may find out soon afterward that the person going through the difficult time didn't "sense" the prayer. If you are praying for someone, let him or her know.Prayer can also--though, hopefully subconsciously--sometimes be a way that we get out of doing anything, while feeling like we are doing something. Some common prayers made by believers when a friend is going through a difficult time include: "God, bless my friend." "God, be there for my friend." Instead, our prayers should be more like this: "God, use me to be a blessing to my friend." "God, show me how to be there for my friend when she needs me." We need to allow God to use us to help others, and ask Him to lay specific things on our hearts that we can do for our friends. While you can pray for your friend for healing, etc. please don't forget that part of being a friend is being there physically, not only spiritually. Sending cure or treatment information, or questioning the treatment one has pursued.While this is done with the best of intentions, it may ruin a friendship or cause extreme hurt. Your friend is likely pursuing treatments that have been recommended with much thought and research.
Thinking: "I'm afraid I'll say/do something stupid, so I won't say/do anything."You may be scared to say something. That's totally normal. In fact, you may find that your friend is extra-sensitive and will take something you say and turn it around to be something quite different from what you mean. Just remember that when people are hurting, they may not respond quite the way you'd expect. They may be emotionally volatile. However, don't let this keep you from saying something. Saying something is better than not saying anything at all. If you are incredibly intimidated, you could start with something such as homemade or store-bought greeting cards, which do the speaking for you.Don't expect a response.Whether you give a gift, send a card, or make a phone call, don't expect a response. This has been one of the most difficult things for me as I reach out to people going through difficult circumstances. I've found that many, if not most, people going through trying times do not say thank you for gifts, or otherwise initiate contact following some effort of help. It can make us feel disappointed and as if what we did was not helpful. However, try to look at it from your friend's side. She may be burdened with the diagnosis, treatments, treatment side effects, emotional issues, etc. While it would ultimately be nice if your friend sent thank yous, it may not be practical. The best thing to do is just not expect anything in response . . . and that way you won't be disappointed if a thank you doesn't come.Things to DoBe a good listener.Sometimes we want to solve another person's problems. While listening, we might try to think of ways to help the person, and offer solutions and advice. Believe it or not, that's a sign of a bad listener! It's much better if you are someone who can sit and listen, and ask loving questions to help your friend state how she feels and what she's going through. If you prove to be a good listener who doesn't state opinions, you will offer your friend a soft spot to land on.Be there.Going to an oncology appointment or treatment with your friend isn't easy, and it can be scary. But it's one of the ways you can show your friend how much you love her. Many people try to go to oncology visits with a loved one. However, if a spouse works or other friends are unavailable, your friend may be alone and need someone to go with.Send flowers or a fun gift.It doesn't have to be something big. A light, encouraging bookmark can be sent through the mail for one stamp. Is there something that might be sentimental to your friend? How about sending a copy of a photo of the two of you doing something fun together?Send cards or letters.Cards can do the talking for you--but encouraging, heart-felt letters will mean so much more.Be open to what your friend wants.Ask. It doesn't hurt to ask. If you have shown yourself to be faithful and to be one of the few people who is genuinely available and following through, then your friend may even feel comfortable asking for favors.Remember dates.Write important dates down on your calendar, or e-mail yourself a reminder (for example, you can send yourself an e-mail, with the subject line being the date of a treatment or appointment of your friend's). It means a lot to people when you remember dates.Be emotionally open and vulnerable.Crying with your friend takes strength. So many people think that the real sign of strength is being able to hold off tears. However, it's the opposite. Being able to cry is a sign that you really care about a person and are not afraid to show it.Not crying, on the other hand, may come across--even if completely untrue--as a lack of caring or concern. Pray for your friend.Pray for comfort, for strength for your friend through the treatments, for your friend's family, for ways God can work through you . . .Remember that cancer is a long-term concern.Many people who have never had cancer don't realize that it is not considered over and done with even after treatments are completed. People who have had cancer, or people who have cancer genes, may be considered "cancer patients" for several years to a lifetime. That means that oncologist visits won't end following the completion of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy, as many outside of the cancer realm believe. Many cancer patients like to go to these appointments with friends or family members, since the doctor visits can be intimidating. In my time going to cancer appointments with a family member and myself, I have never seen anyone who isn't there with a friend or family member, and the materials I received from the oncologist encouraged me to bring along a friend or family member. Perhaps you can be a long term support to your friend.In ClosingFor some of us, putting distance between ourselves and a friend in need may be done to protect us. "I will feel silly if I try to help." "She doesn't need me." "I might say something stupid." "I don't really know what to do."Or we may be too busy, with lots of things on our minds. (Our culture today teaches us how to be independent, and not as fully involved in others' lives as was the norm not so long ago.) For other people, a wall may be placed up because of being in denial, or perhaps even being selfish. "It's not a big deal." "My life is important, too." "My friend is overly-emotional." "I have other things that need to be done right now." An aphorism in Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac reads: "A fake friend and a shadow attend only when the sun shines." To perhaps put a more positive spin on this saying, real friends stick around, even when it's pouring outside. You'll be making a huge difference--perhaps more than you'll ever know.
Article by Melissa, early 2008. This website is for personal support information only. Nothing should be construed as medical advice. Please note that Melissa has written this article as a subjective article, not as a medical article. If you have any questions or concerns, ask your doctor.
If you would like to refer a friend or family member to this specific article, the address is: http://www.geocities.com/muffychloe/friend.html. You also have permission to print out copies, if printed in full with no changes and with full credit showing (author and page source). Any other use is prohibited.
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