Thanks Daisy Dee!
11th January 2004
Alfie: Well it wouldn't be the first time you've copped off with somebody in a club.
Kat: I finished with Anthony months ago.
Alfie: What, and he was the best that was there?
Kat: What do you mean?
Alfie: Well if it wasn't him, it would've been somebody else.
(Kat looks down, visibly hurt and angry. Alfie struggles to speak.)
Kat: Is that what you think of me? That I'm a slag? That I'll go with anyone. That I'm gagging for it? I really thought you liked me.
Alfie Yeah and I really do.
Kat: I thought you liked me for who I am.
Alfie: I told you I do!
Kat: Nah, you thought I was somebody else. I saw it last week when I told you how many blokes I'd been with. Didn't like that did ya? The thing is, you never told me how many women you've been with, but I suppose it's different for men innit.
(Kat turns to the waiter)
Kat: Excuse me, can I have my jacket.
(Kat stands up and Alfie stands up too)
Alfie: Look I'm so sorry what I said..
Kat: Yeah and if I stay what we gonna talk about? The weather?
Alfie: Kat, please don't do this.
Kat: Alfie, thanks for the last few weeks. It's been fun. See ya.
Nana: Hows it going darling?
Alfie: Hows it going? It's killing me Nana.
(Alfie gazes into the living room at Kat who's watching the TV, then turns back to Nana, tears in his eyes.)
Alfie: And you're right, I, I do love her. I love her so much, I can't stand it.
Alfie: Kat! Up here!
Kat: Alfie, what are you doing here?
Alfie: Nana told me what you said.
Kat: I'm getting married!
Alfie: Yeah but you ain't finished yet. Vicar are they married?
Vicar: Well no but-
Alfie: See!
Kat: Well I'm as good as!
Alfie: Listen, I know that you don't wanna marry him, that you wanna marry me.
Andy: I suggest you shut your mouth son!
Alfie: Yeah well I ain't frightened of you alright!
Andy: Well you should be!
Vicar: Try to remember this is a church...
Alfie: Listen I've gotta be really quick here darling cos there's some blokes coming up here and I think they're gonna kill me...but listen, whatever happen alright, I really love you. Right listen, I know I've been stupid and pig headed and I've made a mess of everything, but this is the first time I've felt like this Kat! And I didn't know what to do...Get off me!
Kat: Andy tell 'em to leave him alone. Will you tell 'em?!
Andy: All they're doing is throwing him out.
Kat: Please!
Andy: They won't hurt him.
(Alfie's shouts of "get off me!" in the background)
Andy: Sorry about that. Please carry on. No, really, really it's fine. Old boyfriend can't take no for an answer, that's all.
Alfie: Kat don't do this!
(Alfie runs from the heavies, up the aisle towards Kat)
Vicar: Can I remind everybody please, this is a church!
Alfie: Kat seriously alright, if you do this, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Kat: Well it's too late now anyway.
Alfie: Why?
(Kat looks down at her wedding dress)
Kat: Duh.
Alfie: Oh that don't matter, you ain't married yet.
Kat: I will be in another 5 minutes!
Alfie: You don't wanna marry Andy Pandy out there!
Kat: And what do you know?
Alfie: What's he got that I haven't, apart from good looks, money and a 6 pack?
Kat: He's good to me.
Alfie: So am I.
Kat: He loves me.
Alfie: So do I but even more.
Kat: He's not annoying!
Alfie: That's because he's a plank
Kat: He says what he means instead of going about the houses
Alfie: So do I!
Kat: Since when?
Alfie: Alright, you ask me something then.
Kat: Alright, why are you such a plonker!?!
Alfie: Because I can't help it. I come from a long line of plonkers. My dad was a plonker, as was his father. We're related to the royal court of plonkerdom in Plonkerland, Plonkingham.
Kat: I really hate you!
Alfie: No you don't...
Kat: YES I DO!
Alfie: No you don't!
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