| Funny Page One |
| The Force. It surrounds us. It enfolds us. It gets us dates on Saturday Nights. -Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he will believe you. Tell him there is wet paint on the bench and he will have to touch it to be sure. Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now redered him helpless. -Monty Pyton The moral behind the movie 'The Matrix' is: even if you are the almighty 'One' you still have to answer the telephone. "I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." -Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic.... Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot. If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. If you read a dictionary, you'll be really smart. If you eat a dictionary, you'll be really full. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The NRA says, "Guns don't kill people - people kill people." That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting "Bang!" You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Opportunity knocks only once. If you hear a second knock, it's probably a Jehovah Witness. Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quaters of them would drown? This Answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to my cat. If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours. As you can see, we're not at home. So leave a message at the sound of the tone. If you're a burglar, we're not gone at all. We're cleaning our shotguns and screening your call. I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like: "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or: "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Whenever i see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny, would it? Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, Wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say: Think again, Bat Man! I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said, "I'm off the team, aren't I." "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and makes us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate time". It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something was brewing inside the head of Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can use. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on..... How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. |
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