Monty Python Scripts

DOORMAN

Michael Palin

LADY

Terry Jones

CHRIS QUINN

Eric Idle

LADY

Carol Cleveland

ASSISTANT

Terry Gilliam

The sketch:

(Animated titles.)

CAPTION: 'THE END'

(Roll credits.
Establishing shot of large Harrods-type store. Outside limousines and taxis are disgorging very rich customers. Small doormen in enormously large coats opening doom of cars. A man with his nose bandaged comes out of the store. One large car pulls softly up to the kerb, and as small doorman opens its door, an enormously opulent lady in furs gets out. The doorman holds the door open. She knees him in the groin and walks on into the store. Chris Quinn arrives on a bicycle. He parks the bicycle against the kerb (the doorman flings it into the road) and goes into the outer hall of the store. He passes a couple leaving who also have noses bandaged. A gaggle of customers, mostly pepperpots, rush out. A very eager pepperpot lady shopper, going the other way, rushes between the two and bangs into a set of glass doors which have closed behind the gaggle. She cries out with pain clutching her nose and is escorted away by a large, coated attendant. Chris Quinn looks up at the list on the wall. It reads:)

BASEMENT: DANGEROUS GASES, VIRUSES, CONTAGIOUS DISEASES,
RESTAURANT AND TOILET FIXINGS.
GROUND FLOOR: MENSWEAR, BOYSWEAR, EFFEMINATE GOODS
HALL, ILL HEALTH FOODS.
MEZZANINE: TABLEWARE, KITCHEN GOODS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
HARD FURNISHINGS, ROCK-HARD FURNISHINGS.
FIRST FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
SECOND FLOOR: COSMETICS, JEWELLERY, ELECTRICAL, SATIRE.
THIRD FLOOR: NASAL INJURIES HALL, OTHER THINGS.
FOURTH FLOOR: GRANITE HALL - ROCKS, SHALES, ALLUVIAL
DEPOSITS, FELSPAR, CARPATHIANS, ANDES, URALS, MINING
REQUISITES, ATOM-SPLITTING SERVICE.
FIFTH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
SIXTH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
SEVENTH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS.
EIGHTH FLOOR: ROOF GARDEN.
NINTH FLOOR: TELEVISION AERIALS.
TENTH FLOOR: FRESH AIR, CLOUDS, OCCASIONAL PERIODS OF SUNSHINE.

(Quinn, knowing that there are doors, goes forward more cautiously and enters. The banging of noses on glass doors is a constant background theme. Cut to the gift department. A large lady is standing by counter holding a large cylinder, with a rose attachment.)

Lady: Yes this looks the sort of thing. May I iust try it?

Assistant: Certainly, madam.

(The lady presses button and a sheet of flame shoots out across the hall)

Lady: Oh! Sorry! So sorry! (she is happy though) Yes that's fine.

Assistant: Is that on account, madam?

Lady: Yes.

(Chris walks by, watching with interest but not much concern, passing a customer whose back is on fire but who has not noticed)

(Continued...)