(Cut to stock film of people queuing at an exhibition hall.)
Voice Over: Well it may be the end of that, but it's certainly far
from the end of- well in fact it's the beginning - well not quite
the beginning - well certainly nearer the beginning than the end -
well yes damn it, it is to all interns and purposes the beginning of
this year's Ideal Loon Exhibition, sponsored by the 'Daily Express'.
(cut to interior of hall, people poun'ng through the doors; above their
head~ it says 'ideal Loon Exhibition) Numbskulls and boobies from
all over the country have been arriving to go through their strange
paces before a large paying crowd. This is the fifteenth Ideal Loon
Exhibition and we took a good look round after it was opened by
its patron ... (quick flash Edward Heath opening something)
There's Kevin Bruce the digger duffer from down-under, who's
ranked fourteenth in the world's silly positions league... (Kevin is
in a roped-off exhibition area; with a number in front of him; people are
walking past looking at him with programmes; he is dressed in
Australian bush gear and he is leaning his forehead against a goldfish
bowl on a four-foot-six plinth) This kind of incoherent behaviour is
really beginning to catch on down-under. There's Norman Kirby
from New Zealand, whose speciality is standing behind a screen
with a lady with no clothes on ... (again in an exhibition stand with
a number in front; there is a screen which is higher than their heads, but
it is cut off at knee height so you can see two pairs of legs, one female,
totally bare, one male wearing some enormous boots, no socks) In real
life, Norman is a gynaecologist, but this is his lunch hour. And
from France there's a superb exhibition of rather silly behaviour by
the Friends of the Free French Osteopaths. (on the stand five men
dressed in Breton berets, striped French shim, silly moustaches, with
baguettes; in unison they make the silly sign, counting the while 'un,
dtux, trois) They do this over four hundred times a day. Nobody
knows why. But for sheer poindess behaviour you've got to admire
Brian Broomers, the batfling British boy who for two weeks has
been suspended over a tin of condemned veal. (quite a crowd watch
this; again a roped-off exhibit, Brian is suspended from the
ceilling by two car tyres; he lies there smoking a pipe; underneath him
there is a small opened tin, with 'veal' on the side) Always popular with
the crowd, is the Scotsman with Nae Trews exhibit, and this year's
no exception. (a very large man dressed as a Scotsman in front
of a sign saying 'Scotsman with Nae Trews Exhibit, Sponsored by
Natural Gas'; an enormously long line of middle-aged pepperpots stand
waiting in a queue; eath in turn lifts up a comer of Scotsman's kilt, has
a tiny peek and walks off) Sponsored by Natural Gas and Glasgow
City Council, this exhibit is entirely supported by voluntary
contributions. But for a truly magnificent waste of time you've got
to go no further than the exhibit from Italy - Italian priests in
custard, discussing vital matters of the day. (four Italian priests
standing up to their chests in a large vat of custard; in front of them it
sqs 'Italian Priests in custard'; they are animateally discussing vital
matters; hung behind them is a sign saying 'Italy, Land of Custard)
These lads from a seminary near Cremona, have been practising
for well over a year. As always one of the great attractions of this
fourteen-day exhibition is the display of counter-marching given by
the Massed Pipes and Toilet Requisites of the Colwyn Bay Massed
Pipes and Toilet Requisites Club. (a dozen people in blazers, flannels
and white pumps are vigorously counter-marching, whilst Souza's Star
Spangled Banner blares out; they are holding various items of plumbing,
lengths of piping, a toilet, a bidet, a bath, back scrubbers, loofahs, shower
attachments, hand basins, etc.) An interesting point about these boys
is they all have one thing in common. Hip injuries. Not far away
the crowds are flocking to see a member of the famous Royal
Canadian Mounted Geese. (cut to pantomime goose on homeback) But
the climax of the whole event is the judging.
(Cut to a sort of Miss World cat-walk. A judge appears (holding
number 41. A band plays 'A pretty girl is like a melody'.)
PA Announcement: Mr Justice Burke. (the judge walks down, turns
slightly at the edge of the stage, puts a knee forward and makes a
cheesecake smile) Well that's the last, and let's just see those last six
once again. (the judge on the stage is joined by five others in full judicial
robes, with wigs, each holding a number) And the winner is - number
41, Mr Justice Burke.
(The winner reacts by bursting into tears. The others look rather sad. Cut
to a still picture of Mr Justice Burke in bed having breakfast the next
morning. He is still wearing his robes and wig but he has a sceptre and a
terrible tiara crown on. This picture is in black and white and is large on
the front page of a newspaper. The headline is Justice seen to be done'. A
subheading says 'British Justice Triumphs '. This newspaper page takes
us off into a couple of minutes of animation.)
Series 3 Scripts