(We see a table outside a restaurant. A young couple are sitting
blissfully at it.)
She: It's nice here, darling, isn't it.
He: It's beautiful, it's Paris all over again.
(Enter a vicar, dressed normally but has bald wig with fright hair at
sides. He carries a suitcase.)
Vicar: Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?
He: Er, no... no... no... not at all.
Vicar: Are you sure you don't mind?
He: Yes, yes, absolutely.
Vicar: You're sure I won't be disturbing you?
He: No, no.
Vicar: You're absolutely sure I won't be disturbing you?
She: No, no really.
Vicar: Good. Because I don't want to disturb you. Specially as you're
being so kind about me not disturbing you.
He: Oh, no, no, we don't mind, do we, darling?
She: Oh no, darling.
Vicar: Good, so I can go ahead and ioin you then? Can I?
Both: Yes ... yes...
Vicar: Won't be disturbing?
Both: No. No.
Vicar: Good, good. You're very kind. (he sits down) A lot of people are far
less understanding than you are. A lot of people take offence even
when I talk to them. (he makes strange gestures with his hands) Let
alone when I specifically tell them about my being disturbing.
He:.. Well, it's not particularly disturbing.
Vicar: No, absolutely, absolutely, that's what I always say. (he produces
plates from his case and smashes them on the table) But you'd be
amazed at the number of people who really don't want me - I
mean, even doing this (he produces a rubber crab suspended from a
ping-pong bat and a rubber baby doll and bobs them up and down,
making loud silly noises as he does so) gets people looking at me in
the most extraordinary way. (he breaks more plates and squirts shaving
foam over his head; he and she get up to leave)
He: We must be getting on.
Vicar: I knew I'd disturb you ... I knew I'd disturb you ... (miserably) It
always happens ... whenever I've found someone I really think I'm
going to be able to get on with...
He: No, the only thing is, you see, we're going to be a little bit late.
She: (sitting down and comforting vicar) Let's stay.
He: Well, just a little bit... I mean, we will be late if we don't... (he sits
down reluctantly)
Vicar: Oh, thank you. You're.very kind.
(More silly behaviour from the vicar. He and she look embarrassed.
Dissolve to them sitting at home smashing plates, making silly noises and
coven'ng themselves with shaving cream.)
She: (voice over) As it turned out our chance meeting with Reverend
Arthur Belling was to change our whole way of life, and every
Sunday (film of them running into a church) we'd hurry along to St
Loony up the Cream Bun and Jam.
(Hold shot of the church. Sound of a congregation standing. We hear the
silly noises. Cut to nude organist (Terry Jones). He plays a fanfare.)
Series 3 Scripts