(Pull back from a shot of an old little Ford Popular to reveal Mr and Mrs
Norris, standing with it outside the.pont garden
of a small suburban semi-detached house.)
Voice Over: Who, a year ago, had heard of Mr and Mrs Brian
Norris of 37, Gledhill Gardens, Parsons Green? And yet their epic
journey in EBW 343 has set them alongside Thor Heyerdahl and
Sir Edmund Hillary. Starting only with a theory, Mr Norris set out
to prove that the inhabitants of Hounslow could have been
descendants of the people of Surbiton who had made the great
trek north. No newcomer to this field, Mr Norris's 'A Short
History of Motor Traffic Between Parley and Esher' had become a
best-selling minor classic in the car-swapping belt. (shot of Mr
Norris gazing into a mndow, where his book lies; there is a sign saying
'Remaindered) But why would the people of Surbiton go to
Hounslow? Mr Norris had noticed three things: (split-screen shot of
two identical semi-detached houses) Firsfly, the similarity of the
houses. Secondly, the similarity of the costume between Hounslow
and Surbiton, (similarly, dressed suburbanires on tither side of the split
screen) and thirdly, the similarity of speech.
(Split screen.)
Man on Right: Are you still running the GDBDMDB?
Man on Left: Yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled to
remove tamping.
Man on Left: Jolly good.
Voice Over: Were these just coincidences, or were they, as Mr Norris
believed, part of an identical cultural background? One further
discovery convinced him. (cut to two lawnmowers arranged on a table,
as if they were exhibits in a museum, with Otpe-written documentation in
front of them for the visitor) The lawnmower. Surely such a gadget
could not have been generated independently in two separate areas.
Mr Norris was convinced.
Mr Norris's Voice: I'm convinced.
Voice Over: But how to prove it.
Mr Norris's Voice: But how to prove it.
Voice Over: There was only one way to see if the journey between
Surbiton and Hounslow was possible, and that was to try and make
it. Months of preparation followed whilst Mr Norris continued his
research in the Putney Public Library, (Mr Norris in a library
reading a book titled 'The Lady with the Naked Skin' by Paul Fox Jnr)
and Mrs Norris made sandwiches.
(Cut to Mr and Mrs Norris leaving their home.)
Voice Over: Finally, by April, they were ready. On the 23rd, Mr and Mrs
Norris set out from 'Abide-A-Wee' to motor the fifteen miles to
Surbiton, watched by a crowd of local well-wishers. (one tiny child
holding a small British flag) That evening they dined at Tooting.
(quick flash of them sitting in the window of a Golden Egg or Wimpy
place) This would be the last they'd see of civilization. Mr Norris's
diary for the 23rd reveals the extraordinary calmness and deep
inner peacefulness of his mind.
(We see the diary.)
Mr Norris's Voice: 7.30 Fed cat.
8.00 Breakfast.
8.30 Yes (successfully).
9.00 Set out on historic journey.
(Cut to Mr Norris's car driving along a suburban road. A sign says 'You
are now leaving Surbiton, gateway to Esher'.)
Voice Over: On the morning of the 24th, early to avoid the traffic, Mr
Norris's historic expedition set out from Surbiton - destination
Hounslow. Early on they began to perceive encouraging signs. (cut
to sign saying 'Hoursslow 25 miles '; Mr Norris closely examines the sign,
as would an archaeologist) The writing on the sign was almost exactly
the same as the writing in the AA book. They were on the right
route. During the long hours of the voyage, Mr Norris's wife Betty
kept a complete photographic record and made sandwiches. This is
some of the unique footage which Mrs Norris got back from the
chemists... (badly, shot pictures of sandwiches, with fingers in the lens,
etc.) Mile succeeded mile and the terrific strain was beginning to
tell when suddenly, (chord; Mr Norris points excitedly, pull back to
reveal him standing on a bridge over the Kingston by-pass examining it
through field glasses) by an amazing stroke of luck, Mr Norris had
come across the Kingston by-pass. This was something to tell the
Round Table. (cut to a map, it traces the two routes in red as the voice
talks) At this stage, Mr Norris was faced with two major divergent
theories concerning his Surbiton ancestors. Did they take the
Kingston by-pass, turning left at Barnes, or did they strike west up
the A308 via Norbiton to Hampton Wick? Both these theories ran
up against one big obstacle - the Thames, (the car at a river bank;
Mr and Mrs Norris puzzling; behind them three or four bridges with
traffic pouring over) lying like a silver turd between Richmond and
Isleworth. This was a major setback. How could they possibly
cross the river? Several hours of thought produced nothing. There
was only one flask of coffee left when suddenly Mr Norris spotted '
something. (cut to a sign saying Metropolitan Railway) Could this
have been the method used? Hardly daring to believe, Mr Norris
led his expedition on to the 3.47. (cut to them getting on the train)
Forty minutes later, via Clapham, Fulham, Chiswick and
Brentford, they approached their goal: Hounslow. (a sign saying
'Hounslow Central'; Mr Nortis sticks a British flag on the platform; he
poses for his wife's photos; much hand shaking) Was this, then, the
final proof? Something aroused the accountant's instinct buried
deep in Mr Norris's make-up. (cut to Mr Norris's eyes and furrowed
brow) The journey was possible, and yet .... (zoom in on railway
timetable on wall saying 'Trains to Surbiton every half hour) 'Wrong
Way' Norris had accidentally stumbled on a piece of
anthropological history. It was the inhabitants of Hounslow who
had made the great trek south to the sunnier pastures of Surbiton,
and not vice versa, as he had originally surmised. This was the
secret of Surbiton! Happy and contented Mr Norris returned to
the calmer waters of chartered accountancy, for, in his way,
'Wrong Way' Norris was right.
(Music swells, over book title 'The Story of EBW 343 ' by 'Wrong Way' Norris.)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
Series 3 Scripts