(Mystico removes his cloak, gloves and top hat and hands them
to Janet, who curtsies. He then makes several passes. Cut to stock film of
fiats falling down reversed so that they leap up. Cut back to Mystico and
Janet. She hands him back his things as they make their way to their
car, a little Austin 30.)
Voice Over: The local Council here have over fifty hypnosis-induced
twenty-five storey blocks, put up by El Mystico and Janet. I asked
Mr Ken Verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis compared to other
building methods.
(Cut to a man in a drab suit.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'MR K. V. B. LIAR'
Mr Verybigliar: (MICHAEL) Well there is a considerable financial
advantage in using the services of El Mystico. A block, like Mystico
Point here, (indicating a high-rise block behind him) would normally
cost in the region of one-and-a-half million pounds. This was put
up for five pounds and thirty bob for Janet.
Voice Over: But the obvious question is are they safe?
(Cut to an architect's office. The architect at his desk. Behind him on the
wall are framed photos of various collapsed buildings. He is a
well-dressed authoritative person.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'MR CLEMENT ONAN, ARCHITECT TO
THE COUNCIL'
Architect: Of course they're safe. There's absolutely no doubt
about that. They are as ,strong, solid and as safe as any other
building method in this country provided of course people
believe in them.
(Cut to a council fiat. On the wall there is a picture of Mystico.)
Tenant: Yes, we received a note from the Council saying that if we
ceased to believe in this building it would fall down.
Voice Over: You don't mind living in a figment of another man's
imagination?
Tenant: No, it's much better than where we used to live.
Voice Over: Where did you used to live?
Tenant: We had an eighteen-roomed villa overlooking Nice.
Voice Over:. Really, that sounds much better.
Tenant: Oh yes - yes you're right.
(Cut to stock shot of block falling down in slow motion. Cut back to tenant
and wife inside. Camera shaking and on the tilt.)
Tenant: No, no, no, of course not.
(Cut to stock film again. The building rights itself. Cut back to interior
again. Camera slightly on tilt. They are holding bits of crockery etc.)
Tenant: Phew, that was close.
(Cut to tracking shot from back of camera car again. This time El Mystico
striding through the towering blocks, his cloak swirling behind him.)
Voice Over: But the construction of these vast new housing
developments, providing homes for many thousands of people, is
not the only project to which he has applied his many talents. He
also has an Infallible Pools Method, a School of Spanish Dancing
and a Car Hire Service. (cut to Mystico at wheel of his little Austin
30, his amazing eyes riveted on the road ahead; Janet occasiona1ly
tactfully guides the steering wheel) What is the driving force behind a
man of such resdess energies, and boundless vision? Here as with
so many great men of history, the answer lies in a woman .., (the
camera pans over on to Janet and starts to zoom in on her as she watches
the road ahead; cut to a nineteenth-century engraving of Shakespeare's
Antony and Cleopatra) As Antony has his Cleopatra ,.. (cut to picture
of Napoleon and Josephine) as Napoleon has his Josephine ... (cut to
Janet lying on a bed in , negligie in a rather seedy hotel) So Mystico
has his Janet.
(Mystico leaps from top of the wardrobe on to the bed with a lusty yell.
Cut to montage of black and white photos of Janet in various stage poses:
three poses against black drapes; one against a building; one posed outside
a terrace house with notice reading 'School of Spanish Danring-
Dentures Repaired'.)
Voice Over: Yes. Janet ... a quiet, shy girl. An honours graduate from
Harvard University, American junior sprint record holder, ex-world
skating champion, Nobel Prize winner, architect, novelist and
surgeon. The girl who helped crack the Oppenheimer spy ring in
1947. She gave vital evidence to the Senate Narcotics Commission
in 1958. She also helped to convict the woman at the chemist's in
1961, and a year later (cut to Janet shaking hands with a police
commissioner) she gave police information which led to the arrest of
her postman. In October of that same year (cut to photo of Janet
with a judge and a policeman standing on either side of her smiling at
the camera) she secured the conviction of her gardener for bigamy
and three months later personally led the police swoop (cut to Janet
in a street with goggles of policemen clustering round her grinning at the
camera and two people obviously naked with blankets thrown over them)
on the couple next door. In 1967 she became suspicious of the
man at the garage (cut to a photo of a petrol attendant filling a car)
and it was her dogged perseverance and relentless enquiries
(another rather fuzzy photo of the man at the garage peering through the
window of cash kiosk) that two years later finally secured his
conviction for not having a licence for his car radio. (final photo of
five police, Janet and the man bm the garage in handcuffs all posing for
the camera) He was hanged at Leeds a year later (cut to Janet posing
outside a prison) despite the abolition of capital punishment and the
public outcry. Also in Leeds that year, a local butcher was hanged
(cut to a blurred family snap of a butcher in an apron with a knife) for
defaulting on mortgage repayments, and a Mr Jarvis (photo) was
electrocuted for shouting in the corridor.
Series 3 Scripts