Monty Python Scripts

FIRST LIFEBOATMAN

Michael Palin

MRS. NEVES

Terry Jones

SECOND LIFEBOATMAN

Graham Chapman

THIRD LIFEBOATMAN

Terry Gilliam

The sketch:

(Cut to an ordinary kitchen. A Mrs Pinnet type lady with long apron and headscarf is stuffing a chicken with various unlikely objects. The door opens. Sound of rain, wind and storm outside. A liftboatman enters, soaked to the skin. He shuts the door.)

First Lifeboatman: (taking off his sou 'wester and shaking the water off it) Oh it's terrible up on deck.

Mrs Neves: Up on deck?

First Lifeboatman: Yes on deck. It's diabolical weather.

Mrs Neves: What deck, dear?

First Lifeboatman: The deck, The deck of the lifeboat.

Mrs Neves: This isn't a lifeboat, dear. This is 24, Parker Street.

First Lifeboatman: This is the Newhaven Lifeboat.

Mrs Neves: No it's not, dear.

(The First Lifeboatman puts on his sou 'wester, goes over to the back door and opens it, He peers out. Sound of wind and lashing rain. Cut to the back door at the side of a suburban home, the lifeboatman looking out over the lawns, flowers and windless, rainless calm across to similar neat suburban houses. 'The noise cuts. The liftboatman withdraws his head from the door. Sound of wind and rain again which cease abruptly as he withdraws his head and shuts the door.)

First Lifeboatman: You're right. This isn't a lifeboat at all.

Mrs Neves: No, I wouldn't live here if it was,

First Lifeboatman: Do you mind if I sit down for a minute and collect my wits?

Mrs Neves: No, you do that, I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

First Lifeboatman: Thanks very much.

(The door flies open. More sound of wind and rain. Two other rain-soaked lifeboatmen appear.)

Second Lifeboatman: Oooh, it's a wild night up top.

Third Lifeboatman: Your turn on deck soon, Charlie.

First Lifeboatman: It's not a lifeboat, Frank.

Third Lifeboatrman: What?

Second Lifeboatman: What do you mean?

First Lifeboatman: It's not a lifeboat. It's this lady's house.

(The two lifeboatmen look at each other, then turn and open the door. Sound of wind and rain as usual. They peer out. Cut to the back door - the two lifeboatmen are peering out. They shout.)

Second and Third Lifeboatmen: Captain! Captain! Ahoy there! Ahoy there! Captain!!

(Their voices carry over the following shot or two. Cut to reverse angle of window across the road. A net curtain moves and an eye peers out... continues)