(Cut to a city gent in his office. A sign on his desk says a 'Charman
Knebter'. He is waiting to answer hit phone. It rings; he answers.)
City Gent: Hello? Ah, Mr Victim, I'm glad to say that I've got the
go-ahead to lend you the money you require. Yes, of course we
will want as security the deeds of your house, of your aunt's house,
of your second cousin's house, of your wife's parents' house, and
of your grannie's bungalow, and we will in addition need a
controlling interest in your new company, unrestricted access to
your private bank account, the deposit in our vaults of your three
children as hostages and a full legal indemnity against any acts of
embezzlement carried out against you by any members of our staff
during the normal course of their duties... no, I'm afraid we
couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child, we would
like to suggest a brand new scheme of ours under which 51% of
both your dog and your wife pass to us in the event of your
suffering a serious accident. Fine. No, not at all, nice to do
business with you. (puts the phone down, speaks on intercom) Miss
Godfrey, could you send in Mr Ford please. (to himself) Now
where's that dictionary. ah yes - here we are, inner life... inner
life ... (a knock on the door) Come in. (Mr Ford enters, he is collecting
for charity with a tin) Ah, Mr Ford isn't it?
Mr Ford: That's right.
City Gent: How do you do. I'm a merchant banker.
Mr Ford: How do you do Mr...
City Gent: Er... I forget my name for the moment but I am a merchant banker.
Mr Ford: Oh. I wondered whether you'd like to contribute to the
orphan's home. (he rattles the tin)
City Gent: Well 1 don't want to show my hand too early, but actually here
at Slater Nazi we are quite keen to get into orphans, you know,
developing market and all that... what son of sum did you have
in mind?
Mr Ford: Well... er... you're a rich man.
City Gent: Yes, 1 am. Yes. Yes, very very rich. Quite phenomenally
wealthy. Yes, I do own the most startling quantifies of cash. Yes,
quite right... you're rather a smart young lad aren't you. We
could do with somebody like you to feed the pantomime horse.
Very smart.
Mr Ford: Thank you, sir.
City Gent: Now, you were saying. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very rich.
Mr Ford: So er, how about a pound?
City Gent: A pound. Yes, I see. Now this loan would be secured by
the...
Mr Ford: It's not a loan, sir.
City Gent: What?
Mr Ford: It's not a loan.
City Gent: Ah.
Mr Ford: You get one of these, sir. (he gives him a flag)
City Gent: It's a bit small for a share certificate isn't it? Look, I think I'd
better run this over to our legal department. If you could possibly
pop back on Friday.
Mr Ford: Well do you have to do that, couldn't you just give me the pound?
City Gent: Yes, but you see I don't know what it's for.
Mr Ford: It's for the orphans.
City Gent: Yes?
Mr Ford: It's a gift.
City Gent: A what?
Mr Ford: A gift?
City Gent: Oh a gift!
Mr Ford: Yes.
City Gent: A tax dodge.
Mr Ford: No, no, no, no.
City Gent: No? Well, I'm awfully sorry I don't understand. Can you just
explain exacdy what you want.
Mr Ford: Well, I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and
give it to the orphans.
City Gent: Yes?
Mr Ford: Well, that's it.
City Gent: No, no, no, I don't follow this at all, I mean, I don't want to
seem stupid but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the
whole deal.
Mr Ford: Well, yes you are.
City Gent: I am! Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?
Mr Ford: Well the incentive is - to make the orphans happy.
City Gent: (genuinely puzzled) Happy?... You quite sure you've got this
fight?
Mr Ford: Yes, lots of people give me money.
City Gent: What, just like that?
Mr Ford: Yes.
City Gent: Must be sick. I don't suppose you could give me a list of their
names and addresses could you?
Mr Ford: No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.
City Gent: Good lord! That's the most exciting new idea I've heard in
years! It's so simple it's brilliant! Well, if that idea of yours isn't
worth a pound I'd like to know what is. (he takes the tin from
Ford)
Mr Ford: Oh, thank you, sir.
City Gent: The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I'd given you
the pound. And that's not good business.
Mr Ford: Isn't ait?
City Gent: No, I'm afraid it isn't. So, um, off you go. (he pulls a lever
opening a trap door under Ford's feet and Ford falls through with a yelp)
Nice to do business with you.
Series 3 Scripts