(A steamy tropical jungle. A native guide leads four explorers in pith
helmets and old-fashioned long shorts through the jungle. Cicada sounds
and shrieks of predatory jungle birds. Intercut close ups of perspiring
foreheads etc. The native guide keeps beckoning them to hurry. The jungle
appears to get thicker: they have to push their way through the
undergrowth. Finally the guide stops and points, with eyes staring. The
four explorers duster round and look over his shoulder. A neat clearing in
the thick efthe jungle. Tables set as in a London bistro with check cloths
and big wooden pepper mills, candles and menus standing on each table.
Sitting at the tables are six other explorers in pith helmets etc., eating and
chatting. Clink of coffee cups.
First Explorer: What a simply super little place!
Second Explorer: Yes, they've done wonders with it. You know
this used to be one of the most swampy disease infested areas of
the whole jungle, and they've turned it into this smashing little
restaurant. (across the restaurant the head waiter appears, dressed in
black tie and tails just a bit too big for him; he beckons them to a table)
Here you are Omkami, thank you. Hello, Mr Akwekwe.
Akwekwe: Hello, Mr Spare-Buttons-Supplied-With-The-
Shirt. Nice to see you again.
Second Explorer: These are some of my fellow explorers: Sir Charles
Farquarson, Briar Bailey, Betty Bailey and this is Mr Akwekwe,
who started the whole place.
Third Explorer: It really is super.
Fourth Explorer: (who is dressed as a man and has a
moustache) Terrific idea.
Akwekwe: May I recommend the alligator purees.
(Suddenly there is a hideous scream. We see a gorilla tear a man from his
table at the back of the restaurant, in front of a tree and drag him back
into the jungle. Awful shrieks are heard. Akwekwe runs into the jungle
shouting, Terrible sounds of the unseen fight. Thrashing about of bushes
in the distance. A shot rings out. Then silence also rings out. Akwekwe
emerges, dragging the inert body of the cash customer whom he puts back
in his chair. He slumps forward. Akwekwe comes back to the table in the
foreground which has remained in the foreground throughout this
preceding shot, with cut ins of the fiur explorers looking through the
menu. Akwekwe has a bloodstained claw mark right across his face and
chest and his dic.ty is torn and bloodstained.
Akwekwe: Now then, have you decided?
(He produces a notepad such as waiters always carry.)
Second Explorer: Ye-es ... Well there's two avocado vinaigrette here
and what are you going to have Briar?
Fourth Explorer: Er quiche lorraine for me, please.
Akwekwe: Right, so that's two avocado, one quiche ...
(Cut to close up of pigmy's evil face parting leaves and firing a blow-pipe.
Cut to another table where two explorers are having coffee and cigars.
One of them stiffens and then slumps firward. Cut to Akwekwe at the
main table registering what has happened. We pan with him as he rushes
over to the bushes. Sound of pigrnies retreating into the bushes. Akwekwe
shouts after him. We pan with Akwekwe as he walks over to the table
where the customer has slumped f0rward. He pulls him up, looks at dart
sticking out of his chest, tut tuts with annoyance and lets him slump back
on to the table again. He returns to the main table.)
Akwekwe: So, that's two avocado, one quiche ...
Third Explorer: And a soup of the day.
Akwekwe: Right. (sinister sound of jungle drums in distance; close up of look of
fear in Akwekwe's eyes) And to follow?
Second Explorer: Two chicken a la reine, with sauce provencale.
First Explorer: And one scampi desiree.
Third Explorer: And boeuf bourguignon with a green salad.
(Jungle drums getting louder. Akwekwe shouts off towards the back of the
clearing where we assume the kitchens mast be.)
Akwekwe: Right on. Two chicken! One scampi! One boeuf with green
salad!
(He casts yet another fiarful glance in the direction of the ever-increasing drum beats.)
Akwekwe: There may be ... a little delay.
Second Explorer: That's fine but we have to be out by three.
Akwekwe: Yes, sir. Yes, we'll try.
(The drum beats get louder. Shot of forest, rustling of bushes. Close up of
Akwekwe's eyes. Another shot of forest. Drum beats louder. More rustling.
Close up of Akwekwe's eyes and sweating forehead. Forest again and
more noise. Close up of Akwekwe; he now has blood on his face, his eyes
dilate with fear, the drum beats became deafening.
Sudden cut to BBC
world symbol.)
Series 3 Scripts