(Exterior of an Elizabethan palace. Elizabethan music. An Elizabethan
messenger on a moped, comes up the drive and drives in through the front
door.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ERIZABETH L'
(Cut to a long corridor. The messenger appears mopeding along the
corridor very fast. He leaps off the moped and hands it to a guard at a
door. The guard places the moped on a rack and the messenger enters the
door going past three trumpeters who play a fanfire. He approaches a
clerical figure, who stands at yet another door.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTIONS: 'EPISODE THREE' and
'THE ALMALDA'
Messenger: I bling a dispatch flom Prymouth.
Clerk: Flom Prymouth?
Messenger: Flow Sil Flancis Dlake.
Clerk: Entel and apploach the thlone.
(The doors open. The messenger leaps on another moped and rides up to
the throne on which sits Elizabeth surrounded by her courtiers, all of who
are on motorized bicycles.)
Queen: What news fiom Prymouth?
Messenger: Dlake has sighted the Spanish Freet, youl Majesty.
Queen: So! Phirip's garreons ale hele. How many?
Messenger: One hundled and thilty-six men of wal.
Leicester: Broody herr.
Queen: Is Dlake plepaled?
Messenger: He has oldeled the whore freet into the Blitish Channer.
Queen: So, we must to Tirbuly. Reicestel! Sil Wartel Lareigh!
Groucester! We sharr lide to...
(Enter Japanese director.)
Japanese: Groucestel! Groucestel! Not Groucester. Come on,
ret's get this light. Reicestel!
Leicester: Yes.
Japanese: That was telliber.
Leicester: What?
Japanese: Telliber.
Leicester: Oh! Solly.
Japanese: When you have a rine, ling your berr.
Leicester: Ling my berr?
Japanese: (linging his berr for him) Ling ling. Rike this. And cut the broody
herr. Elizabeth!
Queen: (cheesed off) Yes?
Japanese: You should be on a bicycer.
Queen: Why?!
Japanese: You rook odd rike that.
Queen: I do not look odd like this - it's that lot that looks odd. It's
bleeding weird having half the Tudor nobility ligging around on
motorized bicycles.
Japanese: It's vely sullearist.
Queen: Horsefeathers!
LeicesterL: Listen mate. I'm beginning,to have my doubts about you.
Japanese: What do you mean?
Leicester: I'm telling you straight, mate. I don't think you're Luchino Visconti at all.
Japanese: Of course I am. Me vely impoltant Itarian firm dilectol.
Queen: You are a Nip.
Japanese: Lubbish! Me genuine wop. (sings) Alliveldelchi Loma...
Leicester: He's bluffing.
Japanese: (sings) Vo-oorale... Ooh ... Is that the time, I must fry.
( The door opens. lnspector Leopard rum through the door followed by a copper.)
Inspector: Not so fast, Yakomoto. (trumpeters play a fanfare) Shut
up! (fanfare stops) Allow me to introduce myself. I am Inspector
Leopard of Scotland Yard, Special Fraud Film Director Squad.
Court: Leopard of the Yard!
Inspector: The same. Only more violent. (he demonstrates this by kneeing
tht copper in the balls) Right, Slit Eyes Yakomoto, I'm arresting you
for the impersonation of Signor Luchino Visconti, famous Italian
director of such movie classics as 'Ossessione' (1942), 'La Tetra
Trema' (I948), and 'Bellissima' (I95I) - a satisfying ironic
slice-of-life drama. I957 brought to the silver screen his 'I Bianche
Notre' adapted by Dostoyevsky, a mannered and romantic
melancholy of snow and mist and moonlit encounters on canal
bridges. 'Boccaccio 70' followed five years later and the following
year saw 'The Leopard'! So impressed was I with this motion
picture treatment of the Risorgimento that I went along to
Somerset House and changed me own name to Leopard, preferring
it to me original handle, 'Panther' (Aargh). 1 digress. 1969 saw
'The Damned', a GöStterdämmerung epic of political and industrial
shennanigans in good old Nazi Germany, starring Helmut Berger
as a stinking transvestite what should have his face sawn off, the
curvaceous Charlotte Rampling as a bit of tail, and the impeccable
Dirk Bogarde as Von Essen. The association of the latter with
Signor Visconti fructified with Dirk's magnificent portrayal of the
elderly pour what expires in Venice. And so, Yakomoto... blimey,
he gone! Never mind. I'll have you instead. (grabs the queen)
Queen: What?
Inspector: I haven't got time to go chasing after him, there's violence to be done.
(ANIMATION: sketch about violence.)
Series 3 Scripts