Blood Donor
The cast:
- SAMSON
-
John Cleese
- GRIMSHAW
-
Eric Idle
The sketch:
- SAMSON:
-
Blood donors that way, please.
- DONOR:
-
Oh, thank you very much.
- SAMSON:
-
Thank you.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
(whispering)
- SAMSON:
-
What?
- GRIMSHAW:
-
(whispering)
- SAMSON:
-
No, no. I'm sorry, but 'no'.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
(whispering)
- SAMSON:
-
No, you may not give urine instead of blood.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
(whispering)
- SAMSON:
-
No. Well, I don't care if you want to.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
(whispering)
- SAMSON:
-
No. There is no such thing as a urine bank.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Please.
- SAMSON:
-
No. We have no call for it. We've quite enough of it without volunteers coming
in here donating it.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Just a specimen?
- SAMSON:
-
No. We don't want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
I'll give you some blood if you'll give me...
- SAMSON:
-
What?
- GRIMSHAW:
-
...a thing to do some urine in.
- SAMSON:
-
No, no. Just go away, please.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.
- SAMSON:
-
Fine. Well, you don't have to, you see. Just go away.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Can I give you some spit?
- SAMSON:
-
No.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Sweat?
- SAMSON:
-
No.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Ear wax?
- SAMSON:
-
No. Look, this is a blood bank. All we want is blood.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
All right. I'll give you some blood.
- SAMSON:
-
Where did you get that?
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Today. It's today's.
- SAMSON:
-
What group is it?
- GRIMSHAW:
-
What groups are there?
- SAMSON:
-
There's 'A',--
- GRIMSHAW:
-
It's 'A'.
- SAMSON:
-
(sniff) Wait a moment. It's mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?
- GRIMSHAW:
-
I found it.
- SAMSON:
-
You found it?! You stole it out of my body, didn't you?
- GRIMSHAW:
-
No.
- SAMSON:
-
No wonder I'm feeling off-colour. (drinks from bottle) Give that back!
- GRIMSHAW:
-
It's mine.
- SAMSON:
-
It's not yours. You stole it.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
Never.
- SAMSON:
-
Give it back to me.
- GRIMSHAW:
-
All right, but only if I can give urine.
- SAMSON:
-
Get in the queue...
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Series 3 Scripts