The Oscar Wilde Sketch
The cast:
- PRINCE
-
Terry Jones
- OSCAR WILDE
-
Graham Chapman
- WHISTLER
-
John Cleese
- SHAW
-
Michael Palin
The sketch:
Zoom in to overlay showing some stock film of hansom cabs galloping past.
Suitably classy music starts.
CAPTION: LONDON 1895
CAPTION:
THE RESIDENCE OF
MR. OSCAR WILDE
Mix through to Wilde's drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed folk are
engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking
champagne.
- Prince:
My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great success. The whole
of London's talking about you.
- Oscar:
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
There follows fifteen seconds of restrained and sycophantic
laughter.
- Prince:
Very very witty ... very very witty.
- Whistler:
There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is
not being witty.
Fifteeen more seconds of the same.
- Oscar:
I wish I had said that.
- Whistler:
You will, Oscar, you will. (more laughter)
- Oscar:
Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?
- Prince:
Yes, we've played squash together.
- Oscar:
There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is
playing it by yourself. (silence) I wish I hadn't said that.
- Whistler:
You did, Oscar, you did. (a little laughter)
- Prince:
You really must forgive me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the Palace.
- Oscar:
Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
- Prince:
I beg your pardon?
- Oscar:
Um ... It was one of Whistler's.
- Whistler:
I never said that.
- Oscar:
You did, James, you did.
The Prince of Wales stares expectantly at Whistler.
- Whistler:
... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your
arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
(laughter) Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.
- Prince:
What?
- Whistler:
It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.
- Oscar:
It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
- Shaw:
I ... I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of
gold when all around is dark.
- Prince:
(accepting the compliment) Oh.
- Oscar:
(to Whistler) Right. Right? (to Prince) Your Majesty is like
a dose of clap.
- Whistler:
Before you arrive -- before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in
the dong.
- Prince:
What?
- Oscar and Whistler:
One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.
- Shaw:
You bastards. Um ... what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant ...
- Oscar:
We've got him, Jim.
- Whistler:
Come on, Shaw-y.
- Oscar:
Come on, Shaw-y.
- Shaw:
I merely meant ...
- Oscar:
Come on, Shaw-y.
- Whistler:
Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.
- Oscar
Come on, Shaw-y.
- Shaw:
(blows a raspberry)
The Prince shakes Shaw's hand. Laughter all round.
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