Cut to Arthur Crackpot sitting at a large curved desk on the front of
which a sign says 'Crackpot Religions Ltd.' Arthur Crackpot President
and God (Ltd)'.
Crackpot: This is an example of the sort of abuse we get all the
time from ignorant people. I inherited this religion from my father,
an ex-used-car salesman and part-time window-box, and I am very
proud to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts. You get
this luxury tea-trolley with every new enrolment. (pictures of this and
the subsequent gifts) In addition to this you can win a three-piece
lounge suite, this luxury caravan, a weekend for two with Peter
Bonetti and tonighes star prize, the entire Norwich City Council.
(Curtains go up to reveal the council. Terrific 'ooh' from an audience. Bad
organ chords played by a nude man).
Crackpot: And remember with only eight scoring draws you can win a
bishopric in a see of your own choice. You see we have a much
more' modern approach to religion.
(Cut to a person in church. They are walkning past a pillar. They take out
some money and put it in a collecting box. A sign on the box says 'For the
rich'. We hear the money going in, then it moves off, along pipes, falling
down; eventually it tomes down a small pipe and lands with a tinkle in
Crackpot's ashtray. Ht tries the money with his teeth, pops it into his
pocket, and finishes reading...)
Crackpot: Blessed is Arthur Crackpot and all his subsidiaries Ltd. You
see, in our Church we have a lot more fun.
Priest: (we see he has a peppeRPot with him) Oh, Mrs Collins, you
did say you were nervious, didn't you? You have eyes on the coffee
machine?
Mrs Collins: I don't mind, I don't mind - it's just nice to be
here, Reverend.
Priest: (slaps her) Archdeacon! You asked for the coffee machine ... so
lets see what you've won? You chose Hymn no. 437. (goes to hymn
board, removes one of the numbers, and reads what's on the back) Oh,
Mrs Collins, you had eyes on the coffee machine. Well you have
won tonight's star prize: the entire 'Norwich City Council.
(Organ music, oohs and applause from audience.)
Mrs Collins: I've got one already. (the priest starts to throttle her)
(Cut back to Crackpot in his Office.)
Crackpot: A lot of religions - no names no pack drill - do go for the
poorer type of person - face it, there's more of 'era - poor people,
thieves, villains, poor people without no money at all - well we
don't have none of that tat. Rich people and crumpet over sixteen
can enter free: upper middle class quite welcome; lower middle
class not under five grand a year. Lower class - I can't touch it.
There's no return on it, you see.
(Pull back to show interviewer sitting at his side.)
Interviewer: Do you have any difficulty converting people?
Crackpot: Oh no, well we have ways of making them join.
(Cut to a photo of a bishops)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "THE BISHOP OF DULWICH')
Crackpot's Voice: Norman there does a lot of converting: a lot of
protection, that son of thing. And there's his mate, Bruce Beer.
(Photo of Aussie bishop with beer can)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: (THE ARCHBISHOP OF AUSTRALIA')
Crackpot's Voice: Brucie has personally converted ninety-two people
twenty-five inside the distance. Then again we're not afraid to use
more modern methods.
(Cut to 'Daily Mirror' type pin-up of a bikinied lovely in a silly pose, on
a beach with a bishop's mitre and Bible. A large headline reads: 'North
See Gas'. A subheading says 'Bishop Sarah', then below that, this blurb
which is also read voice over.)
Voice Over: Sarah, today's diocesan lovely is enough to make any
chap. go down on his knees. This twenty-three-year-old bishop
hails appropriately enough from Bishop's Stortford and lists
her hobbies as swimming, riding, and film producers. What
a gas! Bet she's no novice when it comes to converting all in her
See.
(Cut to Gumby in street.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP GUMBY')
Gumby: (shouting laboriously) Basically, I believe in peace and
bashing two bricks together. (he bashes two bricks together)
(Cut to John Lennon)
Lennon: I'm starting a war for peace.
(Cut to Ken Shabby.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP SHABBY')
Shabby: Cor blimey. I'm raising polecats for peace.
(Cut to Arthur Nudge.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP NUDGE')
Nudge: Peace? I like a peace. Know what I mean? Know what I
mean? Say no more. Nudge, nudge.
(Cut to a bishop. A sign on the wall says 'Naughty Religion '.)
Bishop: Our religion is the first Church to
cater for the naughty type of person. If you'd like a bit of
1ove-your-neighbour - and who doesn't now and again - then see
Vera and Ciceley during the hymns.
(Cut to wide-boy Pope, with small moustache and kipper tie. A sign says:
'No Questions Asked Religion '.)
Bill: In our Church we try to help people to help themselves -
to cars, washing machines, lead piping, no questions asked. We are
the only Church, apart from the Baptists, to do respray jobs.
(Cut to loony with a fright wig and an axe in his head. A sign says: 'The
Lunatic Religion '.)
Ali Byan: We the Church of. the Divine Loony believe in the
power of prayer to turn the head purple ha, ha, ha.
(Cut to a normal looking priest. A sign says: 'The Most Popular Religion Led'.)
Priest: I would like to come in here for a moment if I may, and
disassociate our Church from these frivolous and offensive
religions. We are primarily concerned with what is best... (phone
rings; he arewets it) Hello. Oh, well how about Allied Breweries? All
ri'ght. but keep the Rio Tinto (puts phone down) ... for the human soul.
( ANIMATION: a vicar by Terry Gilliam)
(CAPTION: 'CARTOON RELIGIONS LTD')
Voice: In our Church we believe first and foremost in you.
(use smiles; the top of his head comes off and the Devil tries to climb out; the vicar
replaces his head) We want you to think of us as your friend. (as
before; the vicar nails the top of his head on)
Series 2 Scripts