(Cut to Mr Glans who is sitting next to a fully practical old 8ram home
projeaor. There is a knock at the door. He switches the projeaor off and
hides it fiurtively. He is sitting in an office, with a placard saying
'Exchange and Man, Editor' on his desk. He points to it rather
olroiously.)
Glans: Hello, come in. (enter Bee, a young aspirant job hunter) Ah,
hello, hello, how much do you want for that briefcase?
Bee: Well, I...
Glans: All right then, the briefcase and the umbrella. A river down, must
be my final offer.
Bee: Well, I don't want to sell them. I've come for a job.
Glans: Oh, take a seat, take a seat.
Bee: Thank you.
Glans: I see you chose the canvas chair with the aluminium frame. I'll
throw that in and a river, for the briefcase and the umbrella ... no,
make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella and the two pens in
your breast pocket and the chair's yours and a river and a pair of
ex-German U-boat commando's binoculars.
Bee: Really, they are not for sale.
Glans: Not for sale, what does that mean?
Bee: I came about the advertisement for the job of assistant editor.
Glans: Oh yeah, right. Ah, OK, ah. How much experience in journalism?
Bee: Five years.
Glans: Right, typing speed?
Bee: Fifty.
Glans: 0 Levels?
Bee: Eight.
Glans: A Levels?
Bee: Two.
Glans: Right... Well, I'll give you the job, and the chair, and an all-wool
ex-army sleeping bag ... for the briefcase, umbrella, the pens in
your breast pocket and your string vest.
Bee: When do I start?
Glans: Monday.
Bee: That's marvellous.
Glans: If you throw in the shoes as well. (presses intercom) Hello, er ...
Miss Johnson? Could we have two coffees and biscuits please?
Miss Johnson: (over intercorn) One coffee and one biscuit for the two
ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.
Glans: Two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock and a table lamp, for
two eoffees and biscuits.
(ANIMATION: an elderly secretary at a desk in an empty room.)
Miss Johnson: Two greatcoats and two table lamps.
(Cut back to real office.)
Glans: Two greatcoats, one table lamp and a desert boat.
(Cut back to cartoon.)
Miss Johnson: For two 'coffees and biscuits? Office.
Glans:'Done.
(Cartoon.)
Miss Johnson: Done.
Voice Over: So Miss Johnson returned to her typing and dreamed her
little dreamy dreams, unaware as she was of the cruel trick fate had
in store for her. For Miss Johnson was about to fall victim of the
dreaded international Chinese Communist Conspiracy. (lots of little
yellow men pour into the office) Yes, these fanatical thieves under the
leadership of the so-called Moo Tse-tung (who appears in the
animation) had caught Miss Johnson off guard for one brief but
fatal moment and destroyed her. (Miss Johnson is submerged in a tide
of yellow men) Just as they are ready to do anytime free men
anywhere waver in their defence of democracy.
Series 2 Scripts