Monty Python Scripts

MUFFIN

Michael Palin

DUCKIE

Terry Jones

GIRL

Eric Idle

VOICE OVER

Michael Palin

ZATAPATHIQUE

Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(A door opens and a plainclothes deteaive plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.)

MUFFIN:

Ah! Hello, Duckie.

SERGEANT DUCKIE:

Hello, sir. How are you?

MUFFIN:

I'm fine thanks. How are you?

DUCKIE:

Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir.

MUFFIN:

Why's that, Duckie?

(music)

DUCKIE:

Because...

I'm a little bit sad and lonely.

Now my baby's gone away.

I'm feeling kinda blue.

I don't know just what to do.

I feel a little sad today.

CHORUS OF POLICE CONSTABLES:

He's a little bit sad and lonely.

Now his baby's gone away.

He's feeling kinda blue.

(He don't know) just what to do.

He's not feeling so good today.

DUCKIE:

Wheeeeen I smile,

The sun comes flooding in.

CHORUS:

Da da da da da da da da.

DUCKIE:

Wheeeeen I'm sad,

It goes behind the clouds again.

DUCKIE and CHORUS:

I'm (He's) a little bit sad and lonely.

Well (Now) my (his) baby's gone away.

I'm (He's) feeling kinda--

Etcetera; etcetera.

(applause)

MUFFIN:

A lovely song, Duckie.

(Eurovision girl comes in.)

GIRL:

And that's the final entry. La derniere entree. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores! (cut to scoreboard in Chinese)

Yes, Monaco is the winner - hall Monaco is the linner- oh yes, man, Monaco's won de big prize, bwana...

And now, here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique with the winning song once again.

(The accompaniment starts as the singers hum the intro. Cut to flashy Eurovision set. Zatapathique steps onto podium.)

VOICE OVER:

(hushed tone) And so, Inspector Zatapathique, the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad sings his song 'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong'.

ZATAPATHIQUE:

(spoken) Quoi? Quoi? Tout le monde, quoi?... Pourquoi?... Le monde... le monde!... Bête!... Le monde... D'habitude...

(music)

Mais... Je pense...

ZATAPATHIQUE and SINGERS:

Bing tiddle tiddle BANG
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle
Bung tiddle tiddle BONG
Bung tiddle tiddle bing
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bang bong bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong bang (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)

Bing tiddle tiddle BANG
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle
Bung tiddle tiddle BONG
Bung tiddle tiddle bing
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bang bong bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong bang (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bong bang (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)

Bing tiddle tiddle biiiiiing...

(Credits over. Zatapathique finishes and bends over exhausted. An arrow indicates his rear)

VOICE OVER:

Number thirty-one. The end.