Monty Python Scripts

(Shot of radio dial resembling a nipple. Pan out to reveal room with two ladies on couch listening.)

Radio Announcer: And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama series, "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots." Part One: The Beginning.

(music)

Man's voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?

Woman's voice: I am!

(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)

(music fades up and out)

Announcer: Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", coming up...almost immediately.

(music then sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman screaming. Suddenly it is silent.)

Man's voice: I think she's dead.

Woman's voice: No I'm not!

(sounds of physical harm and screaming start again. then music fades up and out)

Announcer: that was episode two of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", specially adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier. And now, Radio Four will explode.

(music, and then the radio explodes.)

(After the radio explodes, the two women on the couch look at each other.)

First Pepperpot (Graham Chapman): We'll have to watch the Telly-vision!

Second Pepperpot (John Cleese): Aaaaw. (sound of agreement)

(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)

Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh... mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh

First Pepperpot: What's that on top of the telly-vision set?

Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.

(pause)

Second Pepperpot: It's been a long time there, now, has it?

First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?

Second Pepperpot: Standin'!

First Pepperpot: I can see that!

(pause)

First Pepperpot: If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly-vision set.

Second Pepperpot: Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.

First Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.

Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.

(pause)

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from next door.

Second Pepperpot: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!

First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!

(they both stop short, looking around)

Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say that?

First Pepperpot: I panicked.

Second Pepperpot: Oh.

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.

Second Pepperpot: Which zoo?

First Pepperpot: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo it's from?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!

Second Pepperpot: 'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?

First Pepperpot: He knows everything.

Second Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.

(pause)

Second Pepperpot: Besides, if it were from the zoo, it'd have "property of the zoo" stamped on it.

First Pepperpot: They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo"!! You can't stamp a huge lion "property of the zoo"!!

Second Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.

First Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?

Second Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.

First Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.

Second Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!

(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)

Man: Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.

(the penguin explodes)

First Pepperpot: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!

Man: It was an inspired guess. And now...