(Cut to reverse angle to show that we are no longer in a hospital but in a
seedy strip club. The curtains have just swished shut.)
Compere: Thank you, thank you. Charles Crompton, the Stripping
Doctor. And next, gentlemen and ladies, here at the Peephole
Club for the very first time - a very big welcome please for the
Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
(Curtains apen. The compere leaves the stage. A man in city gent's outfit
walks into the spotlight.)
Minister: Good evening. Tonight I'd like to restate our position
on agricultural subsidies, (soft breathy jazzy music creeps in behind his
words and he starts to strip as he talks) and their effect on our
Commonwealth relationships. Now although we believe,
theoretically, in ending guaranteed farm prices, we also believe in
the need for a corresponding import levy to maintain consumer
prices at a realistic level. But this would have the effect of
consolidating our gains of the previous fiscal year, prior to the
entry. But I pledge that should we join the Common Market -
even maintaining the present position on subsidies - we will never
jeopardize, we will never compromise our unique relationship with
the Commonwealth countries. A prices structure related to any
import charges will be systematically adjusted to the particular
requirements of our Commonwealth parreefs (he has now removed
all his clothes apart from a tassel on each nipple and one on the front of
some skin-tight brieft; he starts to revolve the tassels on his nipples) - so
that together we will maintain a positive, and mutually beneficial
alliance in world trade (he turns revealing a tassle on each buttock which
he also revolves) and for world peace. Thank you and goodnight.
(He removes the last tassle from his G-string with a fiourish. Blackout
and curtains quickly close. Compere bounces back on stage.)
Compere: Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for
Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very
big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social
Security!
(Burst of Turkish music and curtains swish back as another bowler-hatted
pinstriped minister enters doing a Turkish dance.
Cut to still of Houses of Parliament. Slow track in. Music changes to
impressive patriotic music.)
Voice Over: Yes, today in Britain there is a new wave of
interest in politics and politicians.
(Cut to vox pops outside Houses of Parliament. Caption: 'A GROUPIE')
First Girl: Well, we're just in it for the lobbying, you know. We
just love lobbying.
Second Girl: And the debates - you know a good debate ... is
just... fabulous.
Third Girl: Well, I've been going with ministers for five years
now and, you know... 1 think they're wonderful.
Fourth Girl: Oh yes, I like civil servants.
Third Girl: Oh yes, they're nice.
Fifth Girl: I like the Speaker.
Fourth Girl: Oh yes.
Second Girl: I like Black Rod.
Voice Over: What do their parents think?
(Cut to suburban house. Mr Concrete standing in front of door of outside loo.)
Mr Concrete: Well she's broken our hearts, the little bastard.
She's been nothing but trouble and if she comes round here again
I'll kick her teeth in.
(He turns and goes in.)
Series 2 Scripts