(Mix through to a picture on a TV monitor and pull out from monitor to
reveal a studio set as for a late-night discussion programme.)
Interviewer: Mr L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'. (he turns to
Dibley) Mr Dibley, some people have drawn comparisons between
your film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a public school, and
Mr Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a
public school.
Dibley: Oh yes, well, I mean, there were some people who said
my film '2001 - A Space Odyssey', was similar to Stanley
Kubrick's. I mean, that's the sort of petty critical niggling that's
dogged my career. It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made
'Midnight Cowboy' with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger
rushes out his version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at
the chemist's.
Interviewer: Well, we have with us tonight one of your films, 'Rear
Window', which was to become such a success for Alfred
Hitchcock a few weeks later. Now this is a silent film, so perhaps
you could talk us through it...
(Cut to a dim, shaky 8mm shot of a window. It is open. After a few
seconds a man appears and looks out. He then performs over-exaggerated
horror and points, looking at camera. Then he disappears and then he
reappears.)
Dibley: Yes, well, let's see now ... there's the rear window. There's the
man looking out of the window. He sees the murder. The
murderer's come into the room to kill him, but he's outwitted him
and he's all right. The End. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's
supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and a
half hours ... lost all the tension ... just because he had bloody
Grace Kelly he made �3 million more than I did. Mind you, at
least she can act a bit, I could have done with her in 'Finian's
Rainbow' ... The man from the off-licence was terrible ... a real
failure that was - ten seconds of solid boredom.
(Cut to shaky titles: Mr Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow starring the man
from the off-licence'. Cut to the man from the off-licence standing by a
tennis-court. He wears a dress and appears to be trying to say something
- he has forgotten his words. He doa an unconvincing little dance.
CAPTION: 'THE END')
Dibley: Bloody terrible.
Series 2 Scripts