Monty Python Scripts

POLICEMAN

Graham Chapman

CHEMIST

Michael Palin

SHOPLIFTER

Terry Gillam

VOICE OVER

John Cleese

The sketch:

Policeman: Right. Rightl RIGHT! Now then! Now then! Your turn.

Chemist: Aren't you going to say 'What's all this then?'?

Policeman: Oh! Right, what's all this, then?

Chemist: This man has been shoplifting, officer.

Policeman: Oh, he has? Yus?

Chemist: Yes.

Policeman: Are you trying to tell me my job?

Chemist: No, but he's been shoplifting.

Policeman: Look! I must warn you that anything you may say will be ignored and furthermore, given half a chance I'll put my fist through your teeth. F'tang. F'tang.

Man: But officer, this man here...

Policeman: I've had enough of you. You're under arrest.

(He makes noises of plane flying and firing.)

Chemist: Officer, it wasn't him. (indicates shoplifter) He's the shoplifter.

Shoplifter: No I'm not.

Shoplifter's Mate: (sticking his head out of mac) He's not ... I'm a witness.

Policeman: (to chemist) One more peep out of you and I'll do you for heresy.

Chemist: Heresy. Blimey. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Policeman: Shut up! F'tang. F'tang. Oh, that's nice. (he takes an object off the counter and pockets it) Right. I'm taking you along to the station.

Man: What for?

Policeman: I'm charging you with illegal possession of whatever we happen to have down there. Right. (makes plane noise again) Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin. Come in. Raindrops keep falling on my head... but that doesn't mean that my...

(Caption appears on screen: 'AN APOLOGY')

Voice Over: (JOHN) The BBC would like to apologize to the police about the character of Police Constable Pan Am. He was not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, was the product of a disordered mind and should not be construed as having any other significance. Photo of Buzz Aldrin.

(Superimposed caption on the screen: 'THE BUZZ ALDRIN SHOW STARRING BUZZ ALDRIN WITH... (CREDITS)' Cut to Gumbys as at start of show.)

Gumbys: And now for something completely different. (jump cut to female Gumbys; then back to original shot) Oh that was fun. And now (CAPTION: 'THE END') The end, The end! The end! The end!