(Scene opens in a courtroom: Usual set up with a judge, clerk of the court and
defense counsel sitting in the well af the court. The defendant is in the
witness box. Superimposed caption on screen : 'CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT')
Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a
verdict?
Foreman: (MICHAEL) We have m'lud.
Judge: And how do you find the defendant? (the foreman puts his hand out
with two fingers extended) Two words. (the foreman nods and holds up
one finger) First word. (the foreman mimes taking a piece of string and
tying it in knot) Rope? String?
(The foreman shakes his head and points to the knot.)
Counsel: Point?
Clerk: Belt?
Judge: Tie?
(The foreman nods and points to the knot.)
Counsel: Cravat? Silk square?
Clerk: Knot?
(The foreman nods enthusiasticaly.)
All: Knot!
(The foreman gives a thumbs up and points to his second finger.)
Judge: Second word. (foreman indicates two syllables) Two syllables. (the
foreman points to his first finger) First syllable. (the foreman starts to
mime a fish while pointing at his throat) Bird?
Clerk: Swimmer?
Judge: Breast stroke.
Counsel: Brian Phelps.
Judge: No, no, no, he was a diver.
Clerk: Esther Williams then.
Judge: No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone 'Not Esther
Williams'.
Counsel: Fish. (the foreman nods and points at throat) Fish wheeze. Fish
wheeze?
Judge: Fish breathe.
Counsel: Fish breathe, throat.
Judge: Fish breathe, throat? GILL! (the foreman gives a thumbs up and the
court applauds excitedly) Not gill. (the foreman mimes the second
syllable) Second syllable. Not gill.
(Foreman mimes drinking a cup of tea.)
Counsel: Drink.
Clerk: Sip? Imbibe?
(The foreman points to the mimed cup itself.)
Judge: Not gill ... cup? Not gillcup! (the foreman looks disappointed) You
have been found not gillcup of the charges made against you and
may leave this court a free man. Right. My turn. (the defendant
leaves.)
(The judge holds up four fingers.)
Counsel: Four words.
(The judge mimes shouting for the first word.)
Foreman: First word shout?
Counsel: Bellow?
Clerk: Call?
All: Call!
(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the second word is very
small.)
Counsel: Second word is very small.
Foreman: A?
Counsel: An?
Clerk: Up?
Foreman: The?
(The judge gives a thumbs up.)
All: The!
Clerk: Call the, third word:
(The judge points to his neck.)
Counsel: Gill?
Member of Jury: Fish?
Clerk: Adam's apple. (the judge shakes his head) Neck. (the judge mime
'sounds like) Sounds like neck?
Second Counsel: Next.
Foreman: Call the ... next!
(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the fourth word is three
Syllables. First syllable: he mimes deafness.)
Clerk: Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable ... ear?
Counsel: Hear. Can't hear.
Clerk: Deaf!! Call the next def-.
(The judge leaps onto the desk and points at his own bottom.)
Counsel: Bottom.
Clerk: Seat? Trouser? Cheek?
Foreman: End! Call the next defend-.
(The judge leaps down, disappears under the desk and appears with an
enormous model of an ant about four feet long.)
Whole Court: Ant!
Clerk: Call the next defendant! (the court applauds the judge who bows and
sits; the whole mood changes) Call the next defendant. The
Honourable Mr Justice Kilbraken. (a very elderly judge in full robes
comes into the dock) If I may charge you m'lud, you are charged
m'lud that on the fourteenth day of June 1970, at the Central
Criminal Court, you did commit acts likely to cause a breach of the
peace. How plead you m'lud, guilty or not guilty?
Judge Kilbraken: Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.
(He hits the dock. Everyone gets up and starts walking out talking to each other.)
Judge: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (they all stop, go back and sit down again)
No, you're in the dock, m'lud.
Judge Kilbraken: I'm a judge, m'lud.
Judge: So am I, m'lud, so watch it.
Judge Kilbraken: Hah! Call this a court.
All: Call this a 'court. Call this a court..Call this a court.
Judge: Shut up. Right now get on with the spiel.
Counsel: M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will endeavour to
show m'lud, that m'lud - ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud, while passing sentence at the Central Criminal
Court blotted his copy book. Call exhibit Q.
Judge: Q:?
Counsel: Sorry did I say Q:? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A.
Clerk Call exhibit A.
(Two court ushers carry in a thing with a sheet over it. They pull off the
sheet to reveal a very sexy girl in a provocative pose.)
Counsel: Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang, an artist's model, Swedish
accordion teacher and cane-chair sales lady, was found guilty under
the Rude Behaviour Act in the accused's court. The accused,
m'iud, sentenced her 'to be taken from this place and brought
round to his place'.
Other Counsel: Objection, m'lud.
Judge Kilbraken: Objection sustained.
Judge: You shut up! Objection overruled.
Counsel: The accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily
structure, made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of
fun and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low
moans.
Judge: Have you anything to say in your defence?
Judge Kilbraken: I haven't had any for weeks.
Judge: Oh no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in
Belsize Park?
Judge Kilbraken: Oh, I never!
Judge: Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Judge Kilbraken: All right then what about 8a Woodford Square?
Judge: You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.
Counsel: M'lud if we could continue ...
Judge Kilbraken: He's got a Chinese bit there.
Judge: No, that's contempt of court.
Judge Kilbraken: It was only a joke.
Judge: Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish you, because
we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them
emigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket.
Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England
makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's
hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa? You've
got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week,
you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market.
I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding
psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. Well I'm
going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be
burnt at the stake.
Judge Kilbraken: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
(Court reacts expectantly. Cut to suburban house. The three members of
the Spanish Inquisition suddenly belt out of the door and down the path.)
(Dick Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.)
Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
(Credits start superimposed.)
Biggles: Look they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurryl
(We see shots of them coming through London.)
Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. (more shots of the bus
going through London; the credits reach the producer) Hell, it's the
producer - quick!
(They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst in.)
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish... ('The End' appears) Oh bugger!
Series 2 Scripts