(Cut to Reggie Bosanquet (the real one) at the 'News at Ten'set. He is reading.)
Reggie: ... despite the union's recommendation that the strikers should
accept the second and third clauses of the agreement arrived at last
Thursday. (the National Anthem starts to play in the background and
Reggie stands, continuing to read) Today saw the publication of the
McGuffie Commission's controversial report on treatment of
in-patients in north London hospitals.
(A hospital: a sign above door says 'Intensive Care Unit'. A group of
heavily bandaged patients with crutches, legs and arms in plaster, etc.,
struggle out and onto a courtyard.)
First Doctor: Get on parade! Come on! We haven't got all day,
have we? Come on, come on, come on. (the patients painfully get
themselves into line) Hurry up ... right! Now, I know some hospitals
where you get the patients lying around in bed. Sleeping, resting,
recuperating, convalescing. Well, that's not the way we do things
here, right! No, you won't be loafing about in bed wasting the
doctors' time. You - you horrible little cripple. What's the matter
with you?
1st Patient: Fractured tibia, sergeant.
First Doctor: 'Fractured tibia, sergeant'? 'Fractured tibia, sergeant'? Ooh.
Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we? Well, I'll tell you something,
my fine friend, if you fracture a tibia here you keep quiet about it!
Look at him! (looks more closely) He's broken both his arms and he
don't go shouting about it, do he? No! 'Cos he's a man - he's a
woman, you see, so don't come that broken tibia talk with me. Get
on at the double. One, two, three, pick that crutch up, pick that
crutch right up.
(The patient hobbles off at the double and falls over.)
1st Patient: Aaargh!
First Doctor: Right, squad, 'shun! Squad, right turn. Squad, by the left,
quick limp! Come on, pick 'em up. Get some air in those wounds.
(Cut to second doctor. He is smoking a cigar.)
Second Doctor: (to camera) Here at St Pooves, we believe in ART
- Active Recuperation Techniques. We try to help the patient
understand that however ill he may be, he can still fulfil a useful
role in society. Sun lounge please, Mr Griffiths.
(Pull back to show doctor sitting in a wheelchair. A bandaged patient wheels him off.)
2nd Patient: (MICHAEL) I've got a triple fracture of the right leg, dislocated
collar bone and multiple head injuries, so I do most of the heavy
work, like helping the surgeon.
Interviewer's Voice: What does that involve?
2nd Patient: Well, at the moment we're building him a holiday home.
Interviewer's Voice: What about the nurses?
2nd Patient: Well, I don't know about them. They're not allowed to mix with
the patients.
Interviewer's Voice: Do all the patients work?
2nd Patient: No, no, the ones that are really ill do sport.
(Cut to bandaged patients on a cross-country run.)
Voice Over: Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs.
(The patients climb over a fence with much difficulty. One falls.)
Interviewer's Voice: How are you feeling?
3rd Patient: Much better.
(Shots of patients doing sporting acivities.)
Voice Over: But patients are allowed visiting. And this week they're
visiting an iron foundry at Swindon, which is crying out for
unskilled labour. ('Dr Kildare' theme music; shot - doctors being
manicured having shoes cleaned etc. by patients) But this isn't the only
hospital where doctors' conditions are improving.
(Sign on wall: 'St Nathan's Hospital For Young, 'Attractive Girls Who
Aren't Particularly Ill. Pan down to a doctor.)
Third Doctor: Er, very little shortage of doctors here. We have
over forty doctors per bed - er, patient. Oh, be honest. Bed.
(Sign: 'St Gandalf's Hospital For Very Rich People Who Like Giving
Doctors Lots Of Money'. Pull back to show another doctor.)
Fourth Doctor: We've every facility here for dealing with
people who are rich. We can deal with a blocked purse, we can
drain private accounts and in the worst eases we can perform a
total cashectomy, which is total removal of all moneys from the
patient.
(Sign: 'St Michael's Hospital For Linkmen '. Pan down to doctor.)
Fifth Doctor: Well, here we try to help people who have to link
sketches together. We try to stop them saying 'Have you ever
wondered what it would be like if' and instead say something like
um... er... 'And now
the mountaineering sketch'.
Series 2 Scripts