(Cut to An Gallery. A large sign says: 'Italian Masters of the
Renaissance'. Two art critics wandering through. They stop in front of a
large Titian canvas. The canvas is about ten foot high by six foot wide.)
First Critic: Aren't they marvellous? The strength and
boldness... life and power in those colours.
Second Critic: This must be Titian's masterpiece.
First Critic: Oh indeed - if only for the composition alone. The strength
of those foreground figures ... the firmness of the line...
Second Critic: Yes, the confidence of the master at the height of his
powers.
(At this point a man in a country smock and straw hat and a straw in his
mouth comes up to the painting and with a very businesslike manner
presses the nipple of a nude in the painting. Ding dong sound of a front
doorbell. He stands tapping his feet and whistling soundlessly beside the
painting. He nods at the critics. Cut to the top of the painting to see that
one of the figures has disappeared leaving a blank. The camera pans
down the painting as we hear footsteps; as if coming down a lot of stone
steps. Eventualy the camera comes to rest beside where the country
bumpkin is standing and a door opens in the painting. We do, not see
who has opened it, but can assume it is the cherub.)
Cherub: Yes?
Bumpkin: Hello sonny, your dad in.?
Cherub: Yes.
Bumpkin: Could I speak to him please? It's the man from 'The Hay Wain'.
Cherub: Who?
Bumpkin: The man from 'The Hay Wain' by Constable.
Cherub: Dad... it's the man from 'The Hay Wain' by Constable to see you.
Solomon: Coming.
(Sound of footsteps. Cut to another close up on the painting and we see
the main figure disappearing. This figure suddenly puts his head round
the door.)
Solomon: Hello? How are you? Come on in. '
Bumpkin: No, no can't stop, just passing by, actually.
Solomon: Oh, where are you now?
Bumpkin: Well may you ask. We just been moved in next to a room full
of Brueghels ... terrible bloody din. Skating all hours of the night.
Anyway, I just dropped in to tell you there's been a walk-out in the
Impressionists.
Solomon: Walk-out, eh?
Bumpkin: Yeah. It started with the 'Deieuner Sur L'Herbe' lot, evidently
they were moved away from above the radiator or something.
Anyway, the ImpresSionists are all out. Gainsborough's Blue Boy's
brought out the eighteenth-century English portraits, the Flemish
School's solid, and the German woodcuts are at a meeting now.
Solomon: Right. Then I'll get the Renaissance School out.
Bumpkin: OK, meeting 4.30 - 'Bridge at Aries'.
Solomon: OK, cheerio - good luck, son.
Bumpkin: OK.
(The door shuts and we hear Solomon's voice over.)
Solomon: Right - everybody out.
(We see various famous paintings whose characters suddenly disappear.)
Voices: I'm off. I'm off. I'm off, dear. (etc.)
(Mix through to front room of a suburban house. A man is sawing his
wife in two. in the classic long box.)
Radio: Here is the News... (the man pauses for a moment and looks at
radio, then resumes sawing; we zoom in to close up on the radio. There is
a window behind it; as the radio talks, a group of paintings with picket
signs pass by) by an almost unanimous vote, paintings in the National
Gallery voted to continue the strike that has emptied frames for the
last week. The man from Constable's 'Hay Wain' said last night
that there was no chance of a return to the pictures before the
weekend. Sir Kenneth Clarke has said he will talk to any painting if
it can help bring a speedy end to the strike (a ghastly scream out of
vision; the sawing stops abruptly) At Sotheby's, prices dropped
dramatically as leading figures left their paintings. (Cut to Sotheby 's)
Auctioneer: What am I bid for Vermeer's 'Lady Who Used to be
at a Window'? Do I hear two bob?
Voice: Two bob!
Auctioneer: Gone. Now what am I bid for another great bargain? Edward
Landseer's 'Nothing at Bay'.
(Pull out to reveal man standing beside auctioneer with the painting (the
stag is missing)
(Cut to a group of famous characters from famous
paintings who are clustered round the camera. Botticelli's Venus is in the
centre jabbing her fingers at camera.)
Venus: All we bloody want is a little bit of bloody consultation.
(Fade sound of them all shouting and jostling etc. Bring up sound of radio
out of vision.)
Radio: At a mass meeting at Brentford Footban Ground, other works of
art voted to come out in support of the paintings. (animation
cut to Brentford football ground with famous statues in the stands) The
vote was unanimous. (they all put their hands up) with one
abstention. (cut to close up of 'Venus De Milo'; cut to TV Centre and
slow zoom in) Meanwhile, at Television Centre work began again
on a sketch about Ypres. A spokesman for the sketch said: he fully
expected it to be more sensible this time.
Series 2 Scripts