(Cut to studio: interviewer in chair. Superimposed Caption on screen: 'FACE THE PRESS')
Interviewer: Hello. Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to
examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is
the Minister for Home Affairs (cut to minister completely in drag and
a moustache) who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle,
with matching pearls and a diamanté collar necklace. (soft
fashion-parade music starts to play in background) The shoes are in
brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street. The '
hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a
spectacular display of Christmas orchids. And on my right -
putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of
brown liquid ... (cut to patch of liquid on seat of chair) which could
be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing. (cut back
to interviewer) Good evening. Minister, may I put the first question .
to you? In your plan, 'A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that
you would build 88,ooo million, billion houses a year in the
Greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the
last fifteen years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?
Minister: No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in
two ways. Firsfly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly
high-pitched whine... You see housing is a problem really...
(Cut back to the interviewer. The minister is heard droning on in the
background The soft fashion-parade music starts again.)
Interviewer: Well, while the minister is answering this question I'd just
like to point out the minister's dress has been made entirely by
hand from over three hundred pieces of Arabian shot silk (at this
point we can hear the minister's high-pitched whine beneath the fashion
music) especially created for the minister by Vargar's of Paris. The
low slim-line has been cut off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect
of the minister's fine bone structure. Well I think the minister is
coming to the end of his answer now so let's go back over and join
the discussion. Thank you very much minister. Today saw the
appointment of a new head of...
Minister: Don't I say any more?
Interviewer: No fear! Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied
Bomber Command - Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs'
Forseer. He's in our Birmingham studio...
(Cut to close-up on what appears to be a monitor with Sir Vincent on it-
in outrageous drag, heavy lipstick, big bust etc. - Draped on a
chaise-longue. A small black boy is fanning him.)
Sir Vincent: Hello Sailors! Listen, guess what. The Minister of
Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola.
(As he talks we zoom out quickly from the set to reveal it is not a monitor
in the studio but a TV set in a G-plan type sitting room. A housewife
(Mrs Pinnet) sits watching, wearing an apron and a scarf and with her
hair in curlers.)
(Sketch leads into the New Cooker Sketch)
Series 2 Scripts