Wednesday, May
11, 1994
NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED
ABOUT!!! Dr. Watt said he thinks my baby's dead!! He thinks I
am going to miscarry -- there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I
don't think I have ever been so affected by anything in my life. The
prospect of losing another baby is devastating. Dr. Watt wants to schedule
a D&C, but Mats and I have decided to confirm this further. I
have to be sure before I take action.
Mats is trying ot be supportive,
but he doesn't really know what I am going through. I love him for
it.
Thrusday, May
12, 1994
After telling the doctor
about our decision, I had to go in for some blood work. I also scheduled
another ultrasound for Monday. I've been praying and something tells
me it's not really over, but I don't know if it's just my wishful thinking.
Friday, May
13, 1994
It's getting a little
easier to get up in the morning. It seems the more I pray the better
I feel. I have to keep my faith. I know that Heavenly Father does everything
for a reason, but do I have to go through this again?
Mats and I are going to the
Star Trek dinner at the church tonight. At least I can bring myself
to go out.
Saturday, May
14, 1994
I am so scared.
What if my baby really is dead? What do I do? I have so many rationalizations
for and against her being alive. The doctor said my cervix is closed.
I still feel pregnant -- nothing has changed. I still have all the
symptoms of pregnancy. The doctor didn't call yesterday with the results
of my Beta HCG, so I think I can take that as a good sign. If it was
low then he would have called to tell me to cancel my ultrasound, since it
would be no use.
Monday, May
16, 1994
I had another ultrasound
today. They still didn't find a heartbeat. Dr. Watt is even more
convinced that the pregnancy isn't viable. He left the ball in our court,
and we have decided to wait it out. Something still tells me to keep
going.
Click
on the image to see a close up of Destiny
The scanner
doesn't pick it up very well, but on the actual film you can see the head,
body, arms and legs.
Thursday, May
19, 1994
I got really upset today.
I need to know what is going on inside my body. It's tearing me up
inside and no one can help me. I went across the street to see Monica
and we talked about what is going on. It made me feel a bit better.
She told me a story about herself -- 7 years ago she lost a baby to Toxoplasmosis.
She was devastated, but now she has Daniel and he is a healthy boy.
I also realized something else -- the feelings I've been getting when I
pray are telling me that this is not my decision to make. This is Heavenly
Father's decision. So I just have to wait. If I made this choice then
I would never really know and probably not be able to live with my decision.
Friday, May
20, 1994
I think I got my answer
last night. At about 8:30 I noticed some blood and I got some cramps
later at about 9:30. So I got Mats to take me to the hospital, but when I
got there the bleeding had stopped completely. So I am suppoed to be
on bedrest. Mats is home now to take care of Devon, but he has to work at
4:00 so Mum is coming home for me. I don't know how to feel about this;
I think by now I've been coping with this for long enough that the definite
answer is a relief, but mostly I am just numb.
Sunday, May
22, 1994
I am spending my day relaxing
at Barry's trailer. Devon is being soooo good. It's peaceful
here -- despite the fact that I've spent most of my day alone. It's
given me the opportunity to think deeply about the D&C I've opted to
have tomorrow. Before, I questioned my decision, but the cramps are
very painful now and the bleeding is worse. My prayer has been answered
-- even if it isn't the answer I wanted. I suppose that what they say
is true -- God answers ALL prayers, but sometimes the answer is "No."
Tuesday, May
24, 1994
I mark today as a very
BLACK day in my life. My emotions are so numb. I think it may
be shock, but whatever it is I wish it would stop so that I feel something
-- anything. I learned a hard lesson today. Life doesn't always
yield it's joys -- even if you think you are worthy. I saw something
when I was under the general anesthetic. It was Mats and I walking with
a 
child
between us (I think it was Devon) and we were all holding hands and laughing,
and smiling. I guess I supposed take it to mean that I should be happy
with the family I have. Or maybe it means that we can be happy despite
of this. Something has to come out of this though. As I was laying
there in the recovery room I decided on a career. I think I want to
go into Obstetrical Nursing. I have never considered a career in the
medical field, but if I can do something to help other women through this
it will be worth it.
Wednesday, May
25, 1994
I think that the shock
is beginning to wear off, because I am beginning to feel the pain. Today
is the first full day that I have not been pregnant in 3 months. It's
not so bad right now, but I know it's going to get worse.
Friday, May
27, 1994
The pain is so intense.
I am so depressed. Mats is trying so hard to be supportive, he's so
sweet. I can't express what I am feeling. The only word I can
think of is PAIN.
Sunday, May
29, 1994
I missed church this morning.
I feel so down. I feel cheated out of something, like life has played
a cruel joke on me. It gave me something then too it away. I
thought that things were supposed to get better, but they seem to be getting
worse. I just hurt so much all over. I'm not sure, but I think I am
upset with God. I don't really know. I know He does everything for
a reason, but I don't understand why he keeps doing this to me.
Sign My Guestbook |
View My Guestbook
Tuesday, May
31, 1994
I spent today with Bonnie.
I had to take Devon to the doctor, so Mats drove us to her house.
We had lunch together, then she took us to the doctor and drove us home.
I had a nice time. It was hard to let myself enjoy something, but
I think I need to. I remember being so angry with myself for laughing at
the television the day after Dr. Watt told me my baby was dead. I felt
so guilty for being able to laugh when my baby was gone. But I think
it's time I start allowing myself to feel happiness again. I'll never forget
my baby, and it has changed the way I look at things, but I have to find a
way to incorporate it into my life, so that I can live with it.
Friday, June
3, 1994
Today Mats and I made
love for the first time since the miscarriage. We used protection; but
I am still afraid of getting pregnant. I don't want to go through this again.
I'm not sur eI could handle losing another baby. It still hurts to
think about the life my baby didn't have a chance to live. I am afraid
of conceiving again, and I know that Mats isn't ready -- he wasn't ready
for this one. I hope that when I am ready to try again, Dr. Watt can
help me so the chance of miscarriage is as small as possible. I also
hope I will be able to put my fears aside.
