As Barbara started the stock-taking on that Tuesday morning, a man was standing next to the castle on the hill overlooking the town. His suitcase was on the grass next to him as he stood with his hands in his pockets, looking down on the town in the morning sun. After ten minutes he picked up the suitcase and started walking again. He kept looking at the town as he went down the hill, but he�d have been better off looking at the ground in front of him. He didn�t see a rock in the grass and he tripped. He rolled down the hill until he came across another rock, and he�d have been better off not hitting his head off it, but he didn�t have much choice in the matter. He lay unconscious in the grass for ten minutes, before he opened his eyes and slowly got to his feet. He looked around him and saw the suitcase in the grass. There was a vague idea in the back of his mind that this was his, so he picked it up and continued his walk down the hill towards the town.

When he came into the shop, he went to Harry at the counter. He didn�t say anything � he just stood there looking confused � so Harry said, �Can I help you?�

�Maybe you could tell me where I am?�

�Ah� You�re in a shop.�

He looked around him and then said, �Yeah� But, ah� what�s the name of this town?�

�Mizzenwood.�

�Mizzenwood?� No, that doesn�t ring any bells.�

�Didn�t you see the sign on the way into the town.�

�I don�t think so.�

�What way did you come in?�

�I�m not really sure. Y� see, I woke up in the grass on the hill � the one with the castle on top � and I think I must have fallen and hit my head off a rock, but I just can�t remember. Even this suitcase � it was in the grass next to me, and I�m not even sure if it�s mine.�

Barbara saw the bump on his forehead and said, �Let me get some ice for your head.�

�I�ll get you a chair,� Harry said.

When he was sitting on the chair with the ice to his head, Barbara asked him what his name was and he said, �I can�t even remember that.�

�Why don�t you look through the suitcase � there might be some clue in there.�

He opened the suitcase, and he was as surprised as anyone to see what was inside. A ventriloquist�s dummy stared back out at them.

�You must be a ventriloquist,� Barbara said.

�I don�t remember anything about being a ventriloquist.�

�Why don�t you have a go at it and see if you can still do it � you might not have lost that skill even though you�ve lost your memory.�

He took the dummy out of the suitcase and put it on it�s lap. The head moved when he put his hand up the dummy�s back, and he looked much more surprised than the others when the dummy started talking. It said, �Why are we visiting the dump?�

�That was brilliant,� Harry said. �You�d hardly see your lips moving at all.�

�But I didn�t say that,� the ventriloquist said.

�I think you did,� Barbara said. �I saw your lips moving a little bit. Have another go at it.�

The dummy said, �Maybe it�s just the smell that makes me think this place is a dump.�

�See!� Harry said. �Your lips definitely moved a little bit that time.�

�Maybe I did say it, but I don�t know what I�m saying. I don�t seem to have any control over it.�

�This is probably part of your act. You�ve probably said these things countless times before, and it�s all in your mind somewhere. That�s what�s coming out now.�

�Maybe. But it just doesn�t ring a bell at all.�

�The dummy might be able to tell us who you are,� Barbara said. She turned to the dummy and said, �Can you tell us your name and the name of your master?�

�He�s Blamey Sea and I�m Hoodley Swindle.�

�Blamey Sea and Hoodley Swindle,� Barbara said. �Does that ring a bell at all?�

�No. Nothing. I can�t remember anything. I don�t know where I was going or where I came from. What am I going to do?�

�Well don�t worry about where you�re going,� Harry said. �You can stay here until you get your memory back.�

�That�s very kind of you.�

�Maybe Hoodley Swindle might know where you came from,� Barbara said. �Hoodley, do you know the name of the place where you and Mr. Sea live?�

�The inside of a suitcase is all I ever see. Which is fine by me, seeing as he spends most of his time talking to morons and visiting dumps.�

Harry took Blamey and Hoodley to one of the spare rooms. Blamey said he�d lie down for a while � he had a pain in his head after the fall. They didn�t see him again until the evening, when he came downstairs with Hoodley, who spent most of the evening talking about how stupid people are, like people who go on reality TV shows. Hoodley claimed that those people are a very good reason for a war. An army full of people who go on reality TV shows would surely lose, but at least they�d all be wiped out. They could be lured into it with the promise of fame � the whole war could be filmed. Even as they�re being shot at they�d be talking about themselves, but Hoodley said that there�d be nothing more satisfying than watching them being shot while they�re talking about themselves. And they�d still go on talking about themselves after being shot.

When Blamey came downstairs on the following morning, he had a video tape in his hand. �I found this in my suitcase,� he said. �The dummy must have been right about our names � it says �Blamey Sea and Hoodley Swindle� on the tape.�

They played the tape in the living room and it was a recording of one of their performances. Blamey and Hoodley were introduced by a man who seemed to be talking in a foreign language, but Roy turned the volume up and they could make out a few English words. Blamey walked onto the stage with Hoodley and he sat on a chair. He said, �Looks like we�ve got a big crowd here tonight, Hoodley.�

�They won�t be around for long if they�ve eaten the salmon. Ha ha ha. Only joking, folks.�

The audience weren�t paying attention, but Blamey found this very funny when he watched the tape.

Harry and Barbara couldn�t help noticing that the Hoodley on the tape seemed very different to the Hoodley they had been getting to know. Most of the tape would be bleeped out if they recorded some of the things Hoodley said yesterday evening. Blamey said that he wasn�t controlling what Hoodley said at all, even though he accepted that he was actually saying the words, but he insisted that he was as shocked as anyone by some of the things Hoodley said. Harry remembered meeting Alan a few times before � he�s a robot owned by the Shelf sisters. He looks like a puppet being controlled by strings, but there are no strings. Harry thought that Alan might know something about how Hoodley is being controlled, so he took Blamey and Hoodley to the Shelf estate, just outside the town.

The Shelf sisters were delighted to see a ventriloquist and his dummy � they love it when Alan does his ventriloquism act. They wanted to hear some of Blamey�s act, and Harry wasn�t sure if they�d like it, but Alan needed to be able to see Blamey and Hoodley in action.

The act was nothing like the one on the tape. It was much closer to the Hoodley they�d seen over the past day, which was much funnier than the one on the tape, but it was difficult to tell if the sisters liked it. There was a lot of nervous laughter, and nervous �ooh�-ing and �woo�-ing.

Alan took Harry aside in the middle of the act and said, �Are you saying that the ventriloquist doesn�t control the dummy?�

�So he says anyway. And I believe him too, because the act on the tape was nothing like this. It wasn�t as funny, but it was much milder, and Blamey found that funny.�

�And he has no memory of anything before yesterday morning?�

�Nothing. It was actually the dummy who told us their names. And he was right too.�

�I think it might be the subconscious mind of Mr. Sea that�s coming out through the dummy. All this stuff is there in his head. The dummy might be a vent for his anger.�

The following week was the busiest period in the shop�s history since 1961, but then on Thursday morning it suddenly got very quiet. Barbara found the reason for this change in an article in the local paper. She read aloud from it: �World-famous magician, Theresa Formule-Apricot, yesterday made a surprise appearance in Rita Smith�s supermarket on Hercule Ocula Street. Ms. Formule-Apricot said her visit was intended to honour Mrs. Smith�s many years of charity work, and to announce the lowest ever price for turnips. She will be appearing there again today.� Barbara showed the paper to Harry and Roy. �Look, there�s a photo of Rita and Theresa with the kids at the hospital.�

�What charity work has she done?� Harry asked.

�It�s mentioned somewhere in the article.� Barbara found the bit she was looking for and read: �As well as her numerous fundraising initiatives, Mrs. Smith is a regular visitor to the hospital, where she reads stories to the kids, and sings lullabies to their elbows until their elbows fall over a turnip.�

Harry surprised even himself with how quickly he came up with a great idea of his own. �If she was willing to make an appearance at Rita�s place because of her charity work, maybe she�d come here to recognise my work with blind kids?�

�I doubt it,� Barbara said.

�There�s no harm in trying. Do you know where she�s staying?�

�It says here she�s staying at Cleary�s hotel. She�s doing a show there at the weekend.�

�Great. I�ll go and ask her.� Harry left the shop.

He returned half an hour later and said, �She agreed!�

�Really?� Barbara said.

�Yeah. But I have another piece of news too. Blamey, I saw a poster at the hotel advertising Theresa�s performance there tomorrow night, and you�re on the bill too. You and Hoodley are supposed to be performing there. That must be why you came to Mizzenwood.�

�Oh right.�

�Does that ring any bells at all?�

�No, nothing.�

�Well, I�m looking forward to your act tomorrow evening.�

�I can�t perform in my condition. I can�t remember any of the act.�

�Yeah, but that might not be such a bad thing. We�ve seen the act on the tape, and we�ve heard the things that Hoodley says now that you�ve lost your memory, and if anything, he�s funnier now.�

�Do you think so?�

�I do.�

�But still, I can�t get up on stage and just hope for the best. What if it all goes wrong?�

�I think it�s worth a go. Just get up there and let Hoodley talk. People will love it.�

�Yeah, maybe I will.�

Barbara asked Harry what time Theresa is supposed to call and he said, �Sometime this afternoon.� He looked at his watch. �It�s twenty past two now. She could be here any minute.�

Barbara looked at her watch. �Half past two.�

�Any minute now,� Harry said.

�She�s not coming, Harry. We�ve been waiting for over a day now.�

�She said she�d call yesterday afternoon.�

�Are you sure she said that?� Barbara said. �She has a very deceptive voice. Sometimes you might think she�s saying one thing, but if you listen very carefully, you realise she�s just listing months.�

Harry tried to remember his meeting with Theresa.

Harry�s memory of his meeting with Theresa Formule-Apricot, world-famous magician:
Theresa was standing in front of a blank wall. Her assistant, a man in a black suit, was standing next to her.

Harry explained and expanded his role in helping blind children all around the world and finished with the following request: �So, to promote the interests of blind children all around the world, would you be interested in making an appearance in my shop?�

Silence followed. Theresa just stared at him. Her assistant said, �You�ll have to speak up.�

Harry repeated his request in a louder voice.

�I�d be delighted to,� Theresa said. �I�ll be around sometime this afternoon.�

�Thank you very much. I�m a huge fan.�

When Harry had finished remembering this he said to Barbara, �Yeah; she definitely said she�d call in yesterday afternoon.�

�Are you really sure of that?� Barbara said. �Try recalling that again, and this time listen very carefully to what she says.�

Harry�s memory of his meeting with Theresa Formule-Apricot, world-famous magician:
Theresa was standing in front of a wall. There was a painting on the wall. She was wearing a hat and holding a potted plant. Her assistant, a man in a black suit, was standing next to her.

Harry explained and expanded his role in helping blind children all around the world and finished with the following request: �So, to promote the interests of blind children around the world, would you be interested in making an appearance in my shop?�

Silence followed. Theresa just stared at him. Her assistant said, �You�ll have to speak up; she�s not wearing her glasses.�

Harry repeated his request in a louder voice.

�March, September, November, June, July,� Theresa said.

�Thank you very much. I�m a huge fan.�

There was a huge crowd in the function room at the hotel to see Theresa�s performance on Friday evening. The place was packed when Blamey walked on stage with Hoodley. He sat on a chair, with Hoodley on his lap, and said, �Good evening, folks. My name is Blamey Sea and this is Hoodley Swindle. We have a big crowd here tonight, don�t we Hoodley� I said we have a big crowd here tonight, Hoodley� Hoodley?� Just silence from the dummy. �Ah, Hoodley, at least say hello to the nice people.�

The audience thought that this was just part of the act. Hoodley eventually said, �Sorry for keeping you waiting. I just saw Theresa Formule-Apricot in her underwear in the dressing room. She has a face like a block of yak�s cheese that�s been sculpted by the yak into the shape of his particularly ugly wife�s head. Her thighs look like a particularly ugly yak�s head, only more hairy. And the smell � I�ve never smelled yak�s cheese before, but it can�t be as bad as that.�

That got a very nervous laugh from Blamey Sea, but a huge laugh from the audience. The rest of the act continued on a similar vein � making fun of Theresa Formule-Apricot. The audience found it hilarious, and Theresa�s act continued in a similar vein � people laughing at her.

At the end of her act, Rita Smith came up to Harry and kicked him in the shins. She said, �Theresa Formule-Apricot asked me to get revenge on Blamey Sea for making fun of her and up-staging her, and the only thing I could think of was kicking you in the shins.� She kicked him again. �Mrs. Laughing-Caffeine asked me if I knew the new woman in the library and the only thing I could think of was kicking you in the shins. In fact, the only thing I can think of at all is kicking you in the shins.� She kicked him again and walked away.