Preparations for the play went much better than Harry was expecting. After his first attempt at the play in Edinburgh, his expectations were low and involved an outbreak of scurvy. But the cast were spared the scurvy this time. Not only had they avoided all the disasters that befell their predecessors, they also managed to surpass themselves in terms of the acting. With just two days to go, Harry was able to relax, safe in the knowledge that nothing was going according to plan � there was no plan, but if Harry had made one it would never have accounted for things going this well.

�Just two days to go now,� Harry said to Roy and Barbara as they sat in the living room. �I can�t wait. This is really going to impress Jennifer.�

�I haven�t seen you this happy since you were going out with Mary Poppins.�

�Ahh, Monica. Sitting in the back seat of the cinema with Monica. They used to say we looked like Julie Christie.�

�I had my doubts about the Amateur Dramatics Society,� Barbara said. �But I must admit they�ve done really well. And I don�t think I�ve ever seen Derek looking so good.�

�He�s lost a bit of weight since he gave up sweating. I�ve been really impressed with Mark too. For a man with no nose he has a remarkable stage presence.�

�Why wasn�t he at the rehearsal last night?� Barbara asked.

�He had some wedding to go to.�

�Who was getting married?�

�Some woman, I think. She was marrying� I don�t know, some man.�

�Oh yeah, I�d say there was a big crowd at that wedding.�

�Yeah.�

�Isn�t her mother related to Mary Poppins?� Roy said.

�She is,� Barbara said. �The whole cast have been great. Kathleen has been a revelation as the Minister for Education.�

�I�ve been amazed at her,� Harry said. �She�s never done a dancing role before. She�s a natural though; so graceful, like Grace Kelly. Only without the hair.�

�Yeah, and Grace Kelly never had anything tattooed on her face.�

�Grace Kelly never hit her head against a pool table like that.�

�Well, not repeatedly anyway,� Barbara said.

�Are you saying there�s a chance Grace Kelly might have accidentally hit her head against a pool table once or twice?�

�It�s possible.�

�I doubt it. She�d never have been around a pool table.�

�You never know. You can never be sure what some of these celebrities are doing.�

�Yeah, look at some of the things Mary Poppins got up to,� Roy said.

�You�d want to be careful what you say about her,� Harry said. �She lives just a few miles away.�

Barbara reached for the remote control and turned on the TV. �He�s not the real father� was on. Bimsie and Scumsie were sitting in a car parked on the street where Fluffy lives.

Bimsie: Oh Scumsie, I�m not sure the people will accept your plans for the health service.

�That sounded a bit familiar,� Barbara said.

Scumsie: They�ll accept it alright; after I explain where the money�s going, the benefits.

Harry stood up suddenly. �He�s stolen my lines!�

�This isn�t good,� Barbara said. �Everyone watches this.�

Bimsie: I�m worried Scumsie. I�m afraid that some people at the party might be forming an alliance to overthrow you.

Scumsie: They don�t scare me. It�s them who are scared. Who�s gonna replace me? Fluffy? He couldn�t lead a dog, let alone the Health Department.

Harry was distraught. �Oh Christ! What am I going to do?�

�Mary Poppins! You�re screwed alright.�

�No, I can�t give up yet. I�m not going to let him beat me again. There has to be a way out of this. If I just think. Think!� Harry started pacing up and down behind the sofa. �This is going to take real cunning, some brilliant strategy. This is a bit like that puzzle with the kings and the pawns and the queen, and Morecambe and Wise making fun of the Archbishop.�

�A game of chess?� Barbara said, not entirely sure what he was talking about.

�No, y� know, Uncle Stephen with the fire extinguisher at Christmas.�

Barbara was even more confused. �Christmas?�

�Exactly. This is just like that.� Harry suddenly stopped pacing. �I think I have an idea. There might just be a way to rescue this after all.�

Scumsie: I learnt all I need to know about leadership when I was captain of the Irish bobsled team in the Winter Olympics. People laughed at us, coming from a country with no bobsledding tradition, and from a tropical climate where we never saw snow. But we were determined to prove them wrong. Our coach was a former member of the American bobsled team who had been disgraced for cheating. He lived on the island, spending his time in a bar, playing pool�

Alex continued to use lines from Harry�s play over the next two nights, even on the opening night of the play. Most people in Mizzenwood had been watching it, and those who hadn�t seen it were told about the strange turn of events in the story lines; about how Scumsie had attended the official opening of a supermarket and the official homecoming of the Irish bobsled team from the Winter Olympics, and in between these engagements he had argued with the Finance Minister during a Cabinet meeting.

The hall was packed on the opening night of the play and almost everyone there was familiar with the goings-on in �He�s not the real father,� but Harry still thought there was a chance of rescuing the situation. He had spent the previous two days rebuilding the sets and rewriting the script, and in between these things he had watched every soap opera he could find on TV.

When the curtains opened, the set on the stage was that of a pub. Barbara was collecting glasses as Harry, playing Billy, walked in.

Barbara dropped a glass when she saw him. �Billy! What are you doing here?�

�You have some nerve showing your face around here,� the barman said. �I told you never to come back again.�

�I just came back to say hello to a few old friends,� Harry said.

�You have no friends around here,� the barman said. �Get out.�

�I don�t think you have the right to order me around.�

�Right, that�s it.� The barman moved towards Harry to throw him out. �I never want to see you around here again.�

Barbara tried to stop him. �Leave him! He�s not worth it.�

Harry just stood there, pretending to look confused. He said in a sarcastic voice, �I must say, I find your behaviour very odd. Oh wait, I see what�s happened. It�s my fault really. I knew I forgot to mention something. You see�� dramatic pause, �I�m your new boss. I bought the pub.�

The audience applauded.

Blamey Sea and Hoodley Swindle came back for the performance – they were playing two parts in the play. The new plot centred on Billy�s feud with his great rival, Steve. Steve and his wife owned a nightclub near Billy�s pub. Most of the other characters didn�t trust Billy when he first took over the pub, but he was slowly winning over public opinion. Everyone was impressed with his best friend, Sammy, who had just returned from a three-month jail term for murder.

In the final act, Billy found out that Steve was plotting to burn down the pub. Billy needed information, so he got hold of one of Steve�s henchmen, John. In one of the last scenes, John was sitting on a chair being interrogated by Billy. Sammy stood behind the chair.

�I swear, Mr. Pony, I wasn�t there that night. I don�t know nothing.�

�A little birdie told me he saw you there. Do you think a little birdie is capable of lying?�

�I swear, I haven�t heard a word about it, honest. I was in the pub all night.�

�Okay John. If that�s the way it�s going to be.� Harry turned away from John and said, �Give him the spoon.�

Sammy reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a spoon with a dramatic sweep of his hand. The audience gasped.

John cracked when he saw the spoon. �No, please. Not the spoon. I�ll talk. I was there. I saw what happened.�

Roy walked onto the stage, looking a little nervous. He stopped in front of Harry and was just about to say his line when a spotlight fell on his head and he fell to the ground. This got a standing ovation. The curtain closed.

Harry went over to Roy. �Roy! Roy, are you okay?�

�I�m fine, yeah.�

�Are you sure? That must have hurt.�

�I�m grand. Is that applause I hear?�

�Yeah. Just listen to it. They loved my play.�

�For once you haven�t been outshone by Alex McCarthy.�

�I know. I just hope Jennifer liked it.�

�I�m sure she did.�

The audience loved the play, but they weren�t sure about the political content. They weren�t sure if there was any political content. And definitely a distinct lack of bobsledding. Everyone agreed on that.

Jennifer was very impressed. She came backstage to congratulate Harry, and they arranged to meet at the pub later.

Harry felt elated after the evening�s events and this probably accounted for his seemingly inexplicable decision to ask for Roy�s advice again. Roy thought about it for a while and said, �Write her love poetry.�

Harry was more surprised by this than by the �Look like Hitler� advice. �You�ve never written love poetry, have you?� he said to Roy.

�Oh yeah, often.� Roy told him about an incident a few years earlier when he met his girlfriend, Karen, at her front door. He read the following poem from a sheet of paper:

Karen screamed and slammed the door in his face.

Roy explained his theory to Harry, �If a woman still likes you when she thinks you�re a crack-head, you know she�s not just after your money.�

�Yeah, but you don�t have any money.�

�If a woman thinks you have money she�s much more likely to like you in the first place.�

�So basically, what you�re saying is, pretend you have money to appear more attractive to a woman, then pretend to be a drug-addict and try to look like Hitler to scare her off. In the off chance that she�s the type of girl who�d fall for a crack-head Nazi.�

�Exactly, it�s always worked for me.�

�And if you ever did meet such a woman, how would you live up to her expectations?�

�I don�t know. That situation has never arisen. I�ll cross that bridge when I come to it.�

Harry was about to leave to meet Jennifer when the Mayor arrived backstage. In the rush to re-write the play over the past few days, Harry completely forgot about how the Mayor would react to this interpretation of his life. He didn�t look too happy, and he didn�t sound happy when he said, �Mr. Edwards, I�d like to have a word with you about that play.�

�I know it was a bit� unrelated to your life, but it was meant as a celebration of your invaluable contribution to public life throughout your career.�

�There was one thing in particular that caught my eye. It was the scene where my wife �accidentally� spilled her drink on the trousers of this man called Steve, whoever he was meant to be, and then she tried to clean it up.�

Harry had completely forgotten about the dinner-dance when he got to know Mrs. Pony a bit too well. She had �accidentally� spilled her drink on Harry and then tried to dry his trousers with her hands.

�That was, ah, a touch to comedy to� to bring a bit of light relief what with all the affairs and torture and arson.�

�Speaking of affairs, I was very interested in that scene right after that piece of comedy. It was when my wife was in bed with this man called Steve. Did you draw that from your own personal experience? Is that what always happens to you when a woman spills a drink on your trousers?�

�No, no, no, no, no. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Y� see, the important thing to remember here is that your wife was sleeping with Steve, not with me. If I was trying to make a comment about my own experience, then she would have spilled the drink on me, and then slept with me. But that didn�t happen in the play because it never happened in real life. The important thing to remember is that she didn�t do anything like that to me.�

�If she had, she would have been doing it to me. You were playing me.�

�Ahh� Y� see� Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha� It�s like��

Barbara rescued Harry. She came over to them and said, �That scene was an allegory on the current state of politics. In fact the whole play was an allegory. That�s why it seemed to bear no relation whatsoever to real events. The character of your wife wasn�t meant to represent Mrs. Pony. She represented the smaller political parties who�ll do anything to get into government. They�ll form a coalition with anyone, even with their worst enemies. They�re led only by the chance of power, not by principles. Steve represented the opposition. He has no principles whatsoever � he just blindly opposes by burning things. But you are the one beacon of light. It�s you who provides the moral backbone of the pub or the whole country. You�re the only one who sticks to his principles, and it�s that conviction that ensures the well-being of every citizen in this country.�

�Oh� What about that scene where I head-butt the man who laughs at my shiny shoes?�

�Again, that�s just allegory. You always stick to your principles, and first and foremost in your mind is the need to protect the way of life of the people who elected you. Sometimes it may be necessary to make unpopular decisions for the greater good. Sometimes force may be needed, but only as a last resort. You�re prepared to make those tough decisions for the greater good of your people. Everyone else is too weak, like that woman who cries when you recommend a good plastic surgeon.�

�Yeah, I thought it might have been allegory alright. Like when I�m arrested for feeling that woman�s breasts � that was allegory too, wasn�t it?�

�Exactly.�

�I thought so. In fact, I remember trying to explain that to the police at the time, but I probably wasn�t at my most coherent in the early hours of the morning. Actually, if I remember rightly, I only felt them because she said something about how she just had a job done on them. And they weren�t bad, but I think she really could have used a better plastic surgeon� That whole scandal with the off-shore bank accounts and the money I got from that builder � I bet that was all just allegory too.�

�I don�t remember all the details of that story,� Barbara said, �but I remember reading about it in the press at the time and thinking, �That sounds like allegory to me.��

�And the press just don�t get these things.�

�It goes way over their heads.�

�Completely� Well, I must say, I really enjoyed that play.�

�I�m glad to hear it, Mayor Pony,� Harry said.

�I think I�ll come back to see it again. It�s one of those plays that has so many things going on under the surface that you have to see it twice just to get everything that�s going on.�