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6/July/2009 - 13/July/2009 A festival of traditional Irish music and dance gets underway on Friday and it will go on until the following weekend. Events will take place all over the town, in venues such as the theatre, phone booths and caravans. If you have an aversion to the smell of pipe smoke and sweat you should probably avoid the phone booths and the caravans. The star attraction of the festival is Fergus Cattelflan, the famous piper. An extraordinary range of smells emerge from the pipes when he plays them. He can bring tears to people's eyes with his smells, if not with his music. If he strains hard he can produce other things, like bubbles, or even whole squirrels. You should avoid his performance if you have an aversion to the smell of pipe smoke and sweat. His sister will also be performing at the festival. She plays the flute. Her eyes sweat a lot when she performs, and smoke comes out of her ears, so this is another one to avoid if you don't like those smells. 29/June/2009 - 6/July/2009 A bog-rowing race will take place in the bog on Saturday afternoon. Points will be awarded for style as well as for speed. In theory, it's possible to win the race by finishing last, or even not finishing at all, though all contestants must put some effort into getting away from the start line. Primrose Berundelgon has built a Viking ship. Her Vikings will be attacking people with their poetry. The Mizzenwood Grand Prix will be held on Sunday. Champagne will be provided at the end of the grand prix. Drivers are asked to refrain from drinking during the race. Bally Cambell was drunk by the time he crossed the finishing line in last year's race, and he drove his tractor into a swimming pool to celebrate. 22/June/2009 - 29/June/2009 People of all ages are invited to enter the egg painting contest in the Town Hall on Saturday morning. Organisers have advised people not to paint eggs if you're going to enrage the creature that laid the egg, especially if that creature has a venomous bite. The organisers of the annual Mizzenwood bike race have decided to have a bike building contest this year instead of the race. They say that the drug tests were proving to be too embarrassing for competitors. The contest will take place in the park on Sunday afternoon. You'll have three hours to build your bike, and when it's completed you must be able to ride it for at least fifty yards. People are asked to avoid using the event to spread propaganda about our alien overlords. Edible bikes will be awarded marks for taste. 15/June/2009 - 22/June/2009 Duffy Hogan-Mardeley will be dispensing advice from the back of his van, which will be parked outside the Town Hall all this week. You can ask him about anything, but he isn't likely to tell you why he can't remember where he parked his clouds. The Youth Club are working on their own action film. They'll be holding auditions on Friday night. If you can fall out of a tractor while firing a shotgun, you have a good chance of getting a part. 8/June/2009 - 15/June/2009 A version of Punch and Judy will be performed in the Lingua Pingu Theature on Wednesday night. This version features real actors with puppets tied to their backs. It gets very violent, so you have to be over eighteen to get in. Mizzenwood Athletic will be playing a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid this Saturday afternoon. It's not the real Real Madrid. They're a team of look-alikes. The back four all look like Dame Edna. 1/June/2009 - 8/June/2009 Jim Onkeltobel will be raising money for charity by spending the next week waiting for something to happen. The last time he attempted this it took three days for the giant flowers to find him. If the giant flowers join forces with the blunt giants they might just succeed in putting him in his sailor costume. Brainey D'Fawn is having another speed-dating session in his casino on Saturday night. This time all of the pre-date and post-date rituals will be done at speed and they'll all be performed in the casino. You can have a new hairstyle shot at you out of a hair gun by a trained marksman/hairdresser. Clothes will be painted on you and then washed off for the post-date rituals, all of which will be filmed. 25/May/2009 - 1/June/2009 Mrs. Grombeltumble will be opening her house to the public all this week. Her collection of pest eggs will be on display. These are eggs she received from pests. There are over a thousand eggs in the collection. She got hundreds of interesting eggs from a group of Tarzan scholars who elected her Jane. On Friday afternoon the library will be having an explosion to distribute surplus books. If you want to distribute leaflets you can bring them to the explosion, as long as those leaflets don't promote making fun of bald people. 18/May/2009 - 25/May/2009 A new photography exhibition will be opening in the Young Ledwing-Glass Memorial Gallery on Thursday. It features the work of Bertgig Boogelmight. It's a record of the years he spent attaching tassels to burgers. When he started making edible tassels he lost interest in attaching them to burgers. The activity began to seem pointless. Nowadays he spends most of his time jumping over ghosts who spend almost all of their time trying to stab him with ghost daggers. A boat show will be held at the lake on Saturday. The boats must be light enough for the mayor to be able to launch them by punching a hole in the hull. The mannequins or dummies on board the boats should be wearing life jackets and they should be highly flammable. After the sun goes down they'll be set on fire as they float on the lake. 11/May/2009 - 18/May/2009 Icy Sheehan has built a ten-foot high birthday cake next to the void on his farm. He says that if you dive off the cake into the void on your birthday you'll feel a year younger. He's charging ten euros a jump. He says you should try to bring as many chocolate ponies as possible out of the void (he's never been able to explain why the void is full of chocolate ponies). The cake will be officially opened by Olivia Sleeve on Tuesday evening. A new local band called Stubnubadog will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Thursday night. Their lead singer says he took up music after listening to his grandfather singing when he was young. His grandfather provided his own musical accompaniment using his false teeth, which were made out of wire from clothes hangers. 4/May/2009 - 11/May/2009 Councillor Derry D'Fawn has organised a debating contest. It will take place on Wednesday evening in the Town Hall. He's yet to explain why last year's winner is hiding in a shed, in constant fear of being attacked by torpedo flies. Derry says he intends to ask Eileen if he can tap her on the shoulder and if she says yes he'll tap her on the shoulder and ask her if he can touch her elbow, and after he's touched her elbow he's going to write a letter to the appropriate authorities and get official documentation about the torpedo flies. On Saturday morning, a boat race will be held on the river. Teams consist of four rowers, a dog and a cat, and anyone can enter a team. You can bring your own dog, but cats will be supplied by the organisers of the race. 27/April/2009 - 4/May/2009 After months of observation, the Science Society have come to the conclusion that there are unicorns on the moon. They'll be launching a mission to the moon on Saturday night. Two of their members have volunteered to be the astronauts. They'll become the ninth and tenth people from Mizzenwood to walk on the moon. The rocket has been built by Pin Haddelrock. When we asked Pin about the rocket he said, "Every time I ask my head a question it always says 'duck'." Slackey Mountstickey will be cutting his lawn with a razor to raise money for the Senior Citizens' Club, who are planning a trip to Lourdes. The Youth Club will also be raising money by spending the week being scared of themselves. 20/April/2009 - 27/April/2009 An Irish dance contest will take place in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday evening. The Mayor's daughter has entered. The Mizzenwood Times has been given tapes of the Mayor saying that if his daughter doesn't win he'll phone his cousin Mick, who's still living in the seventies, and ask him to change the course of history to alter the outcome of the contest. The Mayor has claimed that the tapes have been doctored. He says he knows this for a fact because his cousin Jeff, who lives in the future, has conducted an investigation twenty years from now. The culprits admitted to their crime in the future. A band called 'Bullies of August' will be playing a free gig in the park on Friday evening. This will be their first gig with their new drummer, after their old drummer left to take up a career as a biscuit. 13/April/2009 - 20/April/2009 In the Town Hall on Tuesday evening, Jameson Obnoghuas will be giving a lecture on how not to antagonise your guardian owls. This follows the success of his recent lecture on how to avoid becoming the slave of your puppets. A kite-flying contest will take place in the park on Saturday afternoon. There will be other entertainment for people who have no interest in kites. Drizzle Moriarty will be climbing up a step-ladder to do his Dutch pea dance. Sohabella Neehowdello will be reading poems about weirdos who need to be plugged in if you want them to work. 6/April/2009 - 13/April/2009 The Rugby Club will be holding a cage rugby tournament at an unknown location late on Thursday night. If you want to go, you should be in The Alcehole bar at nine o' clock. Spectators will be led to the site of the cage. The club are being very secretive about the tournament because questions have been raised about its legality. The club's president says that in the event of an injury he'll start up his legs' engine and he'll let them take him down the maze of narrow roads to the furry dog doctor's house. The furry dog doctor will be conveyed to the cage by the appropriate means. 30/March/2009 - 6/April/2009 Maisy Triplightning has organised a cross-country marathon. It will begin at nine o' clock on Saturday morning and it should finish before midnight. The race will start and finish at the castle. A lot of money has been bet on this race, and there have been suggestions of impropriety. Maisy says she's written letters to all of her fraudsters and she's asked them not to interfere with the runners. She's also written to Flipper Hanrahan. Holy and the Ghoulies will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Saturday night. 23/March/2009 - 30/March/2009 Bramley Tankboxer will be playing his strawberries in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Tuesday night. The strawberries sound like a harpsichord. His doctor keeps following him, and his doctor's wheels keep squeaking. He started playing his strawberries to drown out this sound. A mud-sculpture contest will take place in Agnes Danderunner's garden on Saturday afternoon. Agnes's nephew will judge the sculptures by punching them repeatedly. 16/March/2009 - 23/March/2009 The Saint Patrick's Day parade will begin at noon. Organisers have asked those taking part not to stick anything to their heads unless they're sure they can get it off later. Brainey D'Fawn will be holding a Twister tournament in his casino on Friday night. He's promised to have a stern nun present to make sure it doesn't descend into an orgy, but some people have claimed that Sister Headlamp isn't a real nun. Sometimes she dresses up as a nurse or as a cowgirl. 9/March/2009 - 16/March/2009 A public speaking contest will take place in the Town Hall on Thursday evening. Regan Mulflong is the favourite to win. She intends to repeat the word 'lemming' over and over again. Her impassioned speech at a recent meeting convinced the Town Council not to give local teachers lessons in hypnosis, even though she only used to word 'gorge'. On Saturday afternoon, a jousting tournament will be held in the field near the river. It's sponsored by a local undertaker. 2/March/2009 - 9/March/2009 A bike race will take place on Saturday. It will start at eleven o' clock in the square. Dogs will be sent after the cyclists to speed things up. For the past few months, these dogs have been eating food concealed within cycling shorts. A hole-digging contest will take place in Bally Cambell's field on Sunday afternoon. The winner will be the first person to dig a hole that a fully-grown stag would fit into. A stag has agreed to test the holes. 23/February/2009 - 2/March/2009 A knitting competition begins at noon on Saturday in the Town Hall. The first person to knit a wedding dress will win an axe. A fishing contest will take place near the bridge on Sunday afternoon. Whoever catches the biggest fish will win. This year there will be more observers to prevent rule-breaking after it was revealed that last year's winner had knitted all the fish she caught. 16/February/2009 - 23/February/2009 On Tuesday evening in the Town Hall there will be a meeting to discuss the Saint Patrick's Day parade. Floats have to be bigger than a hamster this year. Organisers have yet to decide which hamster they'll use. Mizzenwood Athletic will be playing their first home match of the new season on Saturday afternoon. The goalkeeper has been missing for weeks, ever since he started following a piece of string. Despite this, the team's manager, Pilly 'Laughing' Brady, is confident about the season ahead. He says they have a secret weapon, and it has nothing to do with the fact that the back four all smell of cheese. 9/February/2009 - 16/February/2009 A sandwich competition takes place in the Town Hall on Tuesday evening. Sandwiches that try to escape will be eliminated if they leave the plate. On Saturday afternoon a skiing competition will take place in the mud on the hill outside the town. The quickest way down is to avoid hitting the rocks and the trees, but marks will be awarded for style as well, so it might be in your interest to hit at least one rock or tree. A trained philosopher will be on hand to tend to the injured. 2/February/2009 - 9/February/2009 On Friday night, Brian Caulifuttle will be leading an expedition to the woods to catch the monster whose teeth are made out of cheese. This monster has tried to eat many nocturnal visitors to the woods, but his failure to do so always makes him emotional. This is said to be a deeply embarrassing experience for his victims. Brainey D'Fawn has organised a night of boxing for his casino on Saturday. There are ten fights on the card. Brainey himself will be fighting his cousin Adrian to settle a dispute over how big Adrian's pea garden is. 26/January/2009 - 2/February/2009 The fire in Count Headlate's music shop will be spreading to surrounding buildings on Friday evening. The fire's manager is currently taking bookings for Saint Patrick's Day. If you'd like the fire to come to your house, you can find the manager in a burnt-out caravan in the supermarket car park. Councillor Bowl Troomilarney is currently assembling an army. Volunteers can sign up in the Town Hall on Wednesday afternoon. He says the army is essential to prevent the breakdown in law and order that's inevitable in a recession. He's hoping to enlist the services of a man who can become almost invisible when he's standing behind a cow. 19/January/2009 - 26/January/2009 A ten-kilometer cross-country race will take place on Saturday morning. The course goes all around the lake. Spectators are advised to bring an umbrella if they don't want to get covered in custard. A jazz band called 'The Goodie Truth Club' will play in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday evening. All of their instruments are made out of sand paper. They cry until their tear-soaked instruments fall to pieces, and then they smile. 12/January/2009 - 19/January/2009 Sleep-working classes begin in the Town Hall on Tuesday evening. The teacher will begin by teaching you how to do basic household chores in your sleep. In the second part of the course he'll be teaching his students how to build a caravan in their sleep. He says that some of his former students have gone on to become electricians and policemen, all in their sleep. Mr. Peek O'Panther and the Philanderers of South Kerry will be performing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Wednesday night. Peek has recently re-discovered his love of music after finding a piece of a sandwich in his ear. He had meant to put it into his mouth. 5/January/2009 - 12/January/2009 An artistic tennis tournament gets underway this morning. The result of each match is irrelevant. The outcome will be decided by a panel of three judges. They'll be awarding marks for artistic merit, theatricality and interaction with the umpire. Bertie 'MacEnroe' Maltsooter won it last year, despite spending the entire tournament confined to a straight jacket. Edith Sternfeather will be dressing ducks as cowboys and cowgirls on Saturday afternoon. They're the supporting cast in a play which will be staged in her shed. The play is based on her childhood. She says that ducks are ideal for these roles because most of her family didn't talk to her when she was growing up. They just looked at her in a funny way. |
