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25/December/2006 - 1/January/2007 The Youth Club will be holding a surfing competition in the town on Friday evening. They're yet to reveal the exact location of the competition. The distance from the coast has led to speculation on what exactly they have in mind by surfing. The police have said they'll intervene if it involves getting cattle drunk, as happened in their tennis tournament. On New Year's Eve, local writer Olivia Sleeve will be leading a hill walk through the countryside around the town. She denies reports that you'll see two donkeys getting married on the walk. 18/December/2006 - 25/December/2006 Carol singers will be performing in the park on Saturday afternoon. Santa will also be making an appearance, and Stamp Conway will be tying dogs to a sled. Stamp hasn't yet said what he'll be tying to Santa. School kids will be performing the Nativity play before mass on Saturday night. They've chosen a Star Wars theme for this year's performance. 11/December/2006 - 18/December/2006 A toy show takes place in the community centre on Thursday evening. The organisers would like to remind people that dog's legs will only be accepted as a toy if they're attached to dogs. Specifically, they'd like to remind Mrs. Dove-Driscoll of this. A Monopoly tournament gets underway in the Town Hall on Friday evening. The winner will receive a weekend break in Mizzenwood's only hotel. If you win the prize you can choose not to stay in one of the rooms where the ghost with the sick bag was seen. 4/December/2006 - 11/December/2006 The Christmas pantomime begins in The Lingua Pingu Theatre on Saturday afternoon. This year it's The Three Musketeers. Half of the cast are firemen for safety reasons. Bally Cambell has been doing something in his shed. He says it has something to do with Christmas and all will be revealed this week, but he refuses to give any further details. The police were unable to find out anything by throwing empty beer cans at the shed. The last time he did something to do with Christmas the fire brigade had to cut him out of a pear tree. The firemen may have to leave the pantomime in the middle of their performance if Bally does something at the wrong time. 27/November/2006 - 4/December/2006 On Friday evening, the towns's Christmas lights will be turned on. The Mayor did it last year. He was nervous about it, fearing electrocution, despite the amount of times it was explained to him that the electrician who installed them is an arsonist, and has no interest in electrocuting people. This year he's decided that one of the children from the primary school should turn on the lights. The Mayor is no longer afraid of the school kids after their teacher convinced them that he's not The Wizard of Oz, and that even if he was, it wouldn't be acceptable to throw things at him. 20/November/2006 - 27/November/2006 A magician called Sundale 'Spider' Magee will be performing in the community centre on Tuesday evening. He does things with chemicals. He doesn't actually have a monkey, despite what he might say. A smell contest will take place in an as yet unspecified field on Saturday afternoon. Organisers say you should have no trouble in finding the location. They're expecting a high standard of entries this year. One of them said to us, "If it doesn't make a horse cry, don't even bother entering." 13/November/2006 - 20/November/2006 An advanced driving course will get underway on Wednesday afternoon. The instructor used to be a rally driver. His career has been on hold since an incident with a fork in the Paris-Dakar rally when the desert heat affected his head and he came to believe that his co-driver was a tiger. On Thursday evening in the Town Hall, Mr. Duece Tuesday will be giving a lecture about his small alien grandfather. He'll also be showing slides of owls. 6/November/2006 - 13/November/2006 A tweed-wearing contest will take place in the Town Hall on Thursday evening. Organisers say they hope to avoid the controversy of last year's contest when it was found that the winner was wearing stunt tweed. This year each contestant's outift will be rigorously tested to make sure it's dead. There will be self-defence class in the leisure centre on Saturday afternoon. Those wishing to participate are asked to bring their own shovels. A shovel fight is being organsied in the park at the same time to deter those looking for a fight from going to the self-defence class. 30/October/2006 - 6/November/2006 Itchy Mulcahy will be performing his one-man play in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday evening. Small plastic people are stuck to his face. One of them is The Fonz from 'Happy Days'. Most of the others are characters he created himself, such as Ghandi. He denies accusations of plagiarism, insisting that he created his Ghandi completely independently of the Indian version. "The Indian fella never fought The Fonz," he told us. To mark Halloween, the Mayor has temporarily lifted restrictions on witches. He says that his political opponents shouldn't be nervous, and that it's just a goodwill gesture towards the witches for returning his knee. 23/October/2006 - 30/October/2006 Mizzenwood's new orchestra will be giving an outdoor performance in the park on Sunday afternoon. The only instrument they've been able to afford is a trombone, so most of the musicians read from books instead of playing. The string section will be reading from a Stephen King novel. The woodwind section will be reading Proust. The orchestra's conductor says he's found the perfect balance between Stephen King and Proust. The brass section will be reading Harry Potter books. A folk band called Jiggeryblackery play in The Alcehole Bar on Friday evening. They have an invisible drummer who holds a lemon to show he's there. Many people have claimed that it's just a levitating lemon. 16/October/2006 - 23/October/2006 In the leisure centre on Saturday afternoon, Dimpy Brady will be demonstrating a new martial art he created. He insists that it's not just an excuse to get women to jump up and down. He says that God told him about it in a dream. A dance contest takes place in the community centre on Saturday afternoon. Last year, the group contest was won by a team of thirty dancers who collectively fainted ten seconds into their performance. They were the only group who managed to stay in time with the music and remain synchronised. Noddy Sullivan is expected to retain the individual prize with his rhythmic nodding. 9/October/2006 - 16/October/2006 The fishing contest will start on Saturday morning. If no fish are caught the prize will go to the person with the best shoes, and if no one's wearing shoes, a dog with glasses and a white lab coat will decide the winner. If the dog is too tired they'll go back to the shoes. A human poker game will be played in the park on Friday evening. Drizzle Moriarty will be playing the king of diamonds, and he says he'll be making owl sounds. The two of clubs has been replaced by Colonel Mustard, and the queen of clubs has been allowed to bring her butler. 2/October/2006 - 9/October/2006 On Friday night, The Alcehole Bar will host the annual Gun Club table quiz. This quiz has always been rigged in someone's favour, and the rigging has become a tradition. In this year's quiz one of the teams will be made up of pigs. It'll give the other teams a chance when the quiz is rigged in favour of pigs. 30-30 and the 20-20s will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Saturday night. This is their first performance since a recent accident with a hole. 25/September/2006 - 2/October/2006 Open auditions for the Christmas pantomime will be held in The Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday and Friday. This year's pantomime will be The Three Musketeers. You can bring your own guns, swords and canon. The director, Mr. Steve Sling-Laundry, recently directed 'Robocop: This Time it's Political'. The Miss October pageant takes place on Saturday, and there's a whole week of related events leading up to that. The hunt for Fred October takes place on Wednesday. He'll be dressed as a thief. He's urging people to ring a bell when they see him, and not to attack him with an oar. 18/September/2006 - 25/September/2006 A table tennis tournament will begin on Thursday morning in the leisure centre. The organisers have chosen grey as this year's colour. They've gone for a conservative option after the near-tragedy of last year's red, in which an opera singer went missing and was presumed dead until she was found a few weeks later, living in the woods. Dr. Groove and the Let-me-at-'ems will be playing in The Lingua Pingu Theatre on Friday night. 11/September/2006 - 18/September/2006 The human chess tournament has been abandoned because it was too sinister and the players who controlled the pieces became mad with power. It's been replaced by human snakes and ladders, which is much more dangerous with the real snakes and ladders, but it's less sinister. A fashion show takes place in Brainey D'Fawn's casino on Friday night. The clothes were created by a local knitting circle. The theme of the show is amnesia. One of the circle's members, Jane Pooljune, has denied that this is just another excuse to tell the story of the time she lost her heels. 4/September/2006 - 11/September/2006 The Mayor announced details of a lecture series called 'Let's hear what they have to say anyway'. After objections from local councillors, the words 'before throwing an old tyre at them' were removed from the title of the series. The lectures will be on subjects as diverse as biochemistry or toes. The Mayor promised a 'lively question and answer session' at the end of each lecture. Some people have suggested that this is just a euphemism for throwing an old tyre. Local band, Iddl and the Mollycoddilacs, will be performing in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday night. They'll be playing their new single, 'Pig Pig'. 28/August/2006 - 4/September/2006 Mizzenwood's annual marathon marathon starts on Friday. The contestants will follow a long course through forests and over mountains. It takes about three weeks to complete the course. Last year's winner was accompanied by a friend, who was really just a balloon with a face drawn on it. Another contestant spent most of the race hiding in a bin. He removed the bottom of the bin so he could move around while hiding in it. One of this year's contestants believes he can officially change his name by writing a new name on his arm. His latest name is Judmount. Organisers say they aren't worried by the eccentric behaviour of the regular contestants. They deny that the race is contributing to the deteriorating mental health of Mizzenwood's top athletes. A kiting contest will take place in the Town Hall on Saturday afternoon. A few years ago, the contest rules were changed so that only kites for fish were allowed. Since then, the kites have essentially been model ships. Submarines are also allowed, which some say makes a mockery of the competition. 21/August/2006 - 28/August/2006 The local T-shirt shop have released details of their latest T-shirt design competition. This year's theme is what you smell like. A local man is entering every competition by shaving a poodle. He's already used the poodle to win an art competition, a short story competition, a raffle for a turkey, and a bike race. Organisers of the T-shirt competition say they won't be looking fvourably on his entry, but many people doubt that anyone will be able to come up with a T-shirt that's better than the poodle. A chess tournament gets underway in the Town Hall on Friday evening. Anyone caught cheating will have to spend a week looking after a dog who looks like Lassie, but doesn't smell like Lassie. 14/August/2006 - 21/August/2006 The local opticians are offering free eye tests on Thursday. The number of tests is limited. They say it's to promote a rocket car they're building. They refused to comment on the lizards they were promoting during their most recent sale. There's a whistling competition in the Alcehole Bar on Saturday night. The organisers have asked us to point out that you don't know how to whistle if you think it involves lighting matches. 7/August/2006 - 14/August/2006 A series of cookery classes will begin in the community centre on Wednesday evening. The teacher is a puppet called Dizzy who'll be wearing a different costume each week. She hasn't decided whether she'll wear her Indian or her thief costume to the first class. In the art gallery on Friday evening there will be a poetry reading by M, whose name has been reduced to one letter and whose quantity has been reduced to four people after two of them eloped. The remaining four say it'll be much easier to book hotel rooms or to find a car with a driver's seat big enough for four people. 31/July/2006 - 7/August/2006 The annual vegetable competition takes place on Saturday. Because of a recent legal challenge, anything green can be entered in the competition. It has been noted in the press that Shin Sheehan has been painting his clothes green, and that Brushy Law (from the band 'The Magistruts') has been quoted as saying, "I fell out of my pea." His pea fell out of him. One of the organisers of the vegetable competition has told us that these things are completely unrelated, both to each other and to anything else he can think of. He said that they still hadn't decided on what criteria they'd use to judge the competition. To avoid arguments, they'll need firm criteria to be able to say that one person's green tractor is better than another person's green foot. 24/July/2006 - 31/July/2006 On Monday in the art gallery, Jesper Minister will be opening an exhibition of all the fruit he found in blizzards. He says it just shows how much his eyes love finding things in blizzards. He'll also be exhibiting all the things he became handcuffed to during blizzards, but he doesn't have much choice in that. A local singer called Elvic the Pelvic will be playing in Standy Parsons' Nightclub on Saturday night. He whistles when he wants to sing and he does things to raisons with laser beams when he wants to do things to raisons with laser beams. 17/July/2006 - 24/July/2006 The latest class in Mrs. Tictocracy's Guide to Democracy is due to take place on Wednesday evening in the Town Hall. The mayor asked Mrs. Tictocracy to give her course in Mizzenwood because he believed that many local Councillors needed to learn about democracy after they started calling him a fork. The course is open to members of the public too. It was recently revealed in the press that Mrs. Tictocracy used to be known as Mrs. Autocracy, but the mayor has said he's not in the least bit concerned about this. In his efforts to improve the standards of local politics, he has used Mrs. Frankinshins, a Councillor for the past twenty years, as an example for other Councillors to aspire to. She keeps saying, "Tom flies has gone gone gone since since," since getting elocution lessons. 10/July/2006 - 17/July/2006 A Sting impersonator will be rating people's appearance in 'Shells, Shells and More Shells' (the clothes shop) on Friday afternoon. If you want to have your appearance rated by someone pretending to be Sting, you should contact the proprietor of the shop before Thursday evening. Stilly Meehan's light show will take place in the park on Saturday night. Music will be provided by a local prog rock band called 'That's Some Igloo You've Got'. Stilly has been training turtles for months, and he says you won't notice them because they'll be wearing wigs, as long as you ignore the fact that they're carrying lights. 3/July/2006 - 10/July/2006 On Sunday afternoon, Mizzenwood Athletic will be playing Spain in the build-up to the World Cup final. The manager of Mizzenwood, Pilly 'Laughing' Brady, told us that if one more person says, "It's not really Spain, is it?" he won't be responsible for his actions. His team haven't been responsible for their actions since drinking something they found in the woods. The goalkeeper's actions are restricted to looking at his shoulder. At half-time in the match, Buddy Eagle will be accusing himself of being a witch. He used to accuse other people of being witches, but he says there are less legal pitfalls this way. 26/June/2006 - 3/July/2006 A new play by Che Snutt will open in the Lingua Pingu theatre on Thursday. Che told us that the play is about what woodland creatures get up to when they run out of string, hence the title, 'I think we've run out of string'. The lead role will be taken by a local actor, whose acting career has taken off since he changed his name to Clunt Eastwood. The annual wolf show will take place in the leisure centre on Sunday. Only one person in the history of Mizzenwood has owned a wolf (it was he who started the competition). In recent years any unusual pets have been allowed to enter. Last year's winner got her falcon to drop Polo mints into a car through the sun roof. Other contestants claimed that the falcon was doing it of his own free will. 19/June/2006 - 26/June/2006 A Spot the Dog contest will take place in the town on Saturday afternoon. The dog will be wearing a full military uniform to make it easier. Organisers have refused to say what type of uniform it is to make it more difficult. They have said that no one should use it as an excuse to attack the police. A musical called 'The Sharks are Coming to Get Me' will open in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Wednesday. It's loosely based on the life of Henry Dean-Ocean, who once said, "That's not my shark," after a heavy fall from his horse. The creators of the musical have been accused of cashing in on the current popularity of sharks because of the film 'Jaws'. Jaws has been running in the local cinema since its first showing here in 1989. 12/June/2006 - 19/June/2006 A 'Guess the Weight of the Cowboy' competition will take place in Brainey D'Fawn's casino on Friday night. Brainey acknowledged that saying 'are you looking at my pants?' doesn't make someone a cowboy, but it does if it's coupled with cooking rabbits over an open fire. Brainey has booked local band Smoothie Lewd and the Lord Phoenixes to play at the event. They'll be performing their new single, Gentle Bacteria. 5/June/2006 - 12/June/2006 Alan Westward-Maybe will be looking at bees, taking very large steps and carrying a plastic bag full of match boxes in the field near the old mill on Saturday afternoon. Admission is five Euro. He says there's a reasonable chance he'll also be proposing to his stripper girlfriend. A pigeon race will take place on Friday afternoon. The local pigeon fanciers waited until the gun club went on their annual holiday to Marbella. The winning pigeon will be presented with a miniature baseball cap and a bat. The bat is said to be looking forward to the race in nervous anticipation. "It's a bit like a blind date," one of the organisers said. 29/May/2006 - 5/June/2006 Brainey D'Fawn is organising an evening of speed dating in his casino on Friday. He says it's a bit of an experiment, although he pointed out that you shouldn't read anything into the promotional poster which showed him wearing a white lab coat, with a test tube in one hand and a fencing sword in the other. On Saturday evening, there will be a drumming contest in the Alcehole Bar. One of the organisers said to us, "Cows, pigs, geese, berets, not very big berets, not very big geese either, very big pigs, sawdust, clocks, birds, sand, have you met my wife?" We haven't met his wife. He seemed to be confused on this and many other points. 22/May/2006 - 29/May/2006 A medical bungee contest is due to take place at the old viaduct on Saturday. The town's official Sherlock Holmes impersonator was asked to find out what a medical bungee contest is, but the only conclusion he came to was that he'd be threatening people with a copper pipe if the contest involved people dressing up like Sherlock Holmes. When the mayor was asked about it he said, "Ye all said I was wasting the town's money when I hired an official Sherlock Holmes impersonator. But who's the first person ye go to when ye want to find out anything? Ye go to him. And he starts threatening people with a copper pipe. And it serves ye right." A knitting class gets underway in the community centre on Friday evening. The teacher has asked people to bring their own needles and thread, and to avoid asking questions which would require her to use the word 'shotgun' in the answer. 15/May/2006 - 22/May/2006 The gymnastics tournament gets underway at the sports centre on Friday. Continued attempts are being made to convince Blitz Foley to take part. He's drinking heavily now. He says he's lost his nerve and he can't keep his gun hand steady. He hasn't attempted a floor exercise since he had to shoot his horse. The news that Sheriff Foolish and his mule will be taking part hasn't tempted him out of retirement. The Mizzenwood Song Contest takes place in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Saturday evening. This year there will be a prize for the shortest song. A prize for the longest song will only be awarded if last year's contest is decided before the start of this one. There's a new voting system this year. Organisers say it'll be as random as throwing cigarette lighters at a tent. 8/May/2006 - 15/May/2006 On Wednesday, Councillor D'Fawn will be releasing his annual list of things that make us better than beasts. One item on last year's list was using insulation tape. A photo appeared in the local press of Councillor D'Fawn covered in insulation tape when he tried to put some on a plug, but he said he was trying to catch a beast at the same time. The annual pole vault competition takes place on Saturday afternoon. It started many years ago as a science exhibition called 'Look at Gravity'. This exhibition was really just an excuse to damage cars. Seeing as no one ever clears the bar, judges award points for each jump. Points will be deducted if any cars, other than those provided, are damaged. 1/May/2006 - 8/May/2006 The tiles in Ted 'Treddie' Lear-Murphy's pharmacy have been going missing for many years. He once found four of them hiding in an old van. He was looking for one tile for days and it was on his head all along. He's launched a competition to find the red tile that used to be just inside the door. Ted says it's a particularly cunning tile. It once escaped by pretending to be a German cabaret artist. He nearly had to shoot it. On Friday afternoon in the park, there's a contest to see how many people you can get into a Mini. The rules have changed since the last time this contest was held. Now it's how many guns you can hide behind an apron. 24/April/2006 - 1/May/2006 Mizzenwood's annual dog show gets underway at the weekend. In recent years it's evolved into a competition amongst the owners to see who can look the most tanned. The winning dog last year had a glass eye stuck to his back and he kept trying to get it off, but his owner spent so much time on a sun bed she developed imaginary friends with huge glasses who told her her name was June and she believed them. A new local band called The Whenever I Want You All I Have To Do Is Dreams play their first gig in Standy Parsons' Nightclub on Friday night. 17/April/2006 - 24/April/2006 Mizzenwood's official Irish language weekend starts on Friday. Only Irish will be spoken in businesses around the town. Harry Noolin-Quin will be supervising the event. He's been divining water for over thirty years, and he's adapted his technique for the weekend. He says he has a feather that can determine if a word is really Irish. For example, the feather correctly identified 'fat Harry' as a non-Irish word. He says he'll punch anyone in the face if the feather tells him to. He's currently lost on a mountain with someone else's wig, on the feather's advice, but he hopes to be back for the official launch on Friday. The darts tournament starts this evening. Special dispensation will be given to anyone who's electrocuted themselves over the past twelve months. Organisers deny that this has contributed to the recent spate of self-inflicted electrocutions amongst the town's darts players. They say it's a symptom of the problem, not a cause. 10/April/2006 - 17/April/2006 The Mizzenwood military parade takes place on Sunday. They've acquired new uniforms since last year's parade, after a journalist from The Mizzenwood Times pointed out that Captain Hamlandering's shoulders looked like two ducks kissing. He said that this was due to the shape of his shoulders, which were left like that after a war injury in Kilarney when he was in Kerry for The Rose of Tralee. He meant it literally when he said he was there 'for' The Rose of Tralee. She kicked him. When he was asked how this accounted for his shoulders he just said it was a long story and to keep it short he'd be looking at an interesting tree instead of telling it. He also added, "How can they be kissing if my neck is between them?" A Dusty Springfield lookalike sandwich competition takes place in the town hall on Tuesday evening. Last year the competition involved Charles Dickens lookalike sandwiches, but it had nothing to do with Charles Dickens and only one of the contestants knew what he looked like. It remains to be seen whether this year's competition will have anything to do with Dusty Springfield. 3/April/2006 - 10/April/2006 Mizzenwood's film festival begins today. Attention once again will be focussed on a group calling themselves the The Bad Shoes, who've been trying to re-make Smokie and the Bandit for the past twenty-three years. A pigeon has been responsible for the unfortunate end of sixteen of those attempts. We spoke to one of the group's members, who said they'd be making another attempt this year. After their last attempt, his fake moustache dug a hole in his garden and has been trying to live there ever since. An exhibition of historical artifacts to commemorate the 1916 rising will be opened by the Mayor on Wednesday. A flag, which would have been the centre-piece of hte exhibition, has gone missing. Police deny that bloodhounds are working undercover by wearing black berets. They say the berets are just a fashion thing. 27/March/2006 - 3/April/2006 An indoor bowls tournament gets underway on Saturday. The favourite is last year's winner, Bailey Road-Murphy. His opponents say that last year he tampered with the balls, and that this year they'll be watching him very closely. Bailey wrote out detailed directions of what they can do with themselves. Unfortunately he ate those directions. No one really knows what's going to happen at this year's tournament, making it all the more exciting. The wedding of the Mayor's nephew to a former backing singer with Mindloaf takes place on Friday. She's about to launch her solo career, and from now on she wants to be known as Moodeep. It's been pointed out in the press that just prior to her wedding is an odd time to be launching her solo career. It's also an odd time for the Mayor's nephew to get his foot stuck in something, and he says he can't marry her until he gets his foot out of this thing. Some people have pointed out that he'll never get his foot out until he indentifies what this thing is, but he said that's like getting the horse before the cart. 20/March/2006 - 27/March/2006 The Mizzenwood Town Council are holding their annual question and answer session next Friday evening. For the past few years, the questions have been asked through match stick men and women because some Councillors have felt uncomfortable with the direct questioning by the public. People can use their match stick people to ask all the important or awkward questions (mostly awkward ones). At last year's event, Tinny Lane-Dooley used his question to distract from his ears when he asked one of the Councillors, "What happened your nose?" The question was met with an uncomfortable silence, but the situation was difused when another match stick man asked, "Tinny's matchstick man is a lying bastard." The Councillor answered yes to this. The Mayor has denied reports that he's arranged for many match stick men and women to attend the event just to suggest that other match stick peple are liars. Many critics have suggested that most of the questions are pointless because no one really knows, except the people with 'know' written across their foreheads, but some people have pointed out that if they really knew a significant amount of things about anything at all, they wouldn't write 'know' across their foreheads. Blinker O'Toole wrote 'I had believed that we had moved beyond discriminating against people because of the way they look or the things they write on their faces' on his forehead, and it's believed that at the question and answer session on Friday, his match stick man will ask, "Has everyone seen Blinker's forehead?" 13/March/2006 - 20/March/2006 The news rabbits are currently on holiday, and many listeners have complained that the news on the radio is now just the sound of the breeze and depressing radio plays. Some people have resorted to stapling things. Tinnny Lane-Dooley has been writing letters to Angelina Jolie. In response to these complaints, the radio station have organised some outdoor theatre in the park to entertain their listeners. They've hired the local Amateur Dramatics Society to fight each other next Saturday. The winner will receive a globe that lights up. According to a spokesman from the radio station, if the police ask, they're just acting. "There's no plug on the globe," he added. This has led to dozens of people signing up for the Amateur Dramatics Society. Many people have objected to Tinnny Lane-Dooley's application to join. They say that his ears are not real, and no one, not even Angelina Jolie, thinks they're his real ears. Tinny has said, "That's beside the point, and everything at this side of the point is like little stars in the sky, except they're not really little -- they're just far away -- and one one really knows anyway, and if they think this is my real foot... this is my real foot. That's the real point here." He'll be using his foot as often as he possibly can in the fight, especially on those people who objected to his entry into the Amateur Dramatics Society. The fight will get underway at one o' clock to make sure it ends before the rugby match between Ireland and England at half-five. 6/March/2006 - 13/March/2006 A table tennis tournament is due to get underway in the sports centre on Thursday afternoon, but it remains to be seen whether Mizzenwood's leading player will be able to take part. He's afraid to leave his house because he thinks a hawk is flying away with his opponents every time he turns his back, and that it's only a matter of time before the hawk gets him. The truth is that no one wants to play with him because he keeps promoting his autobiography during the game, which is called 'You Can't Play Table Tennis'. Deafanie Dray's singing class will commence in the community centre on Wednesday evening. This comes just months after the controversy surrounding her dance class, in which she got her students to paint a fence, like Karate Kid. Some people said it was more like the fence painting in Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, but she still insists it was Karate kid. She gave her students headbands and made them eat with chopsticks to emphasise the point. She says that the purpose of the singing lessons is not to paint the rooms in her house that the dance class didn't get around to. 27/February/2006 - 6/March/2006 Running Away Day takes place next Sunday. The event started out as the commemoration of a battle, but sometime in the 1950s, the running away aspect became more prominent. People will be running away in many different directions. Jinky Doohan says he'll be running away in a shed. Organisers of the event have pointed out that this is against the rules. Jinky says if they say that once more they'll be running away from him and a fence post he found with nails in it, but they say this is within the rules. Brainey D'Fawn has compiled a map of the town especially for Running Away Day. The map includes numerous flag poles with rats stuck to them. The rats have speech bubbles that say, "I bet it was Buddy Lair who stuck me to this flag pole." Organisers have pointed out that there's only one flag pole in the town. 20/February/2006 - 27/February/2006 Mizzenwood Athletic will play Ballydeelin on Sunday, their first competitive outing in many months. After last year's shortened league season, Mizzenwood played numerous practise matches. Many fans expressed their disappointment with the team's poor performances. The low point came in a nil-all draw with the bees. Despite the lack of goals, everyone agreed that the bees did all of the attacking. The team's manager, Pilly 'Laughing' Brady, defended his team, saying that his goalkeeper had to play most of the game in a glasshouse. The annual 'hiding in a box' contest also takes place on Saturday. The winner will be the one who can hide in a box for longest, but most people spend the time in the pub, which is the most successful strategy because it makes them impossible to find in the box. Those who choose to hide in the box are found almost instantly. Amongst the favourites for this year's contest is the Mayor's niece, Daisy. She has asked people to stop saying the word 'pin' in her presence. 13/February/2006 - 20/February/2006 To mark Valentine's Day, Tuesday is love night in Brainey D'Fawn's casino. Brainey has asked people not to read anything into the poster he produced to advertise the event. It shows a woman pointing at a man and saying, "You're eating glue." He hasn't yet said how the love night will be different from any other night in the casino, but he has said, "What's your seagull?" and pointed at women on the street. He added, "And don't read anything into that either." According to reports on the radio, the news rabbits' laboratory has burnt down. The existence of the laboratory had been unknown before this announcement, and a fund has been set up to build a new one. A spokesman for the radio station said the lab was of limited scientific value, and virtually no journalistic benefit, but it was something the rabbits took great pride in, and they've been very sad since it burnt down. A fun run will take place in the town next Saturday to raise money for the re-building. 6/February/2006 - 13/February/2006 The Mizzenwood Chess Championship gets underway on Tuesday, despite the fact that last year's final is still going on. One of the contestants claimed that his bishop is in the Falkland Islands. Numerous efforts have been made to contact the bishop, but to no avail as yet. According to the most recent reported sigting of him, he was standing on the coast, looking at a row boat and saying, "As long as I've got my overcoat and a boat, that's all I need. Chess? Ha! Who needs chess." If this report proves to be accurate, it's a very worrying development for the Chess Championship. Local band Read Thru and Hatchet Lanky-Lanky have been forced to change their name yet again. This comes after a story in The Mizzenwood Times about a local man and his pet falcon. The falcon has had a pencil in its beak for the past three weeks, and it has attempted to stab many different objects and animals with the pencil. Callers to a radio phone-in were upset by the name Hatchet Lanky-Lanky. They said it was a terribly insensitive name for a band while the falcon has the pencil. The host of the radio show accused the band's manager of trying to cash in on the suffering of innocent children. On Friday night the band will be performing for the first time as Read Thru and Bleed Cocaine in Standy Parson's Nightclub. 30/January/2006 - 6/February/2006 The controversy surrounding last weekend's table quiz is expected to be resolved this week. One of the questions in the quiz was 'We went to see a donkey. When did we go to see a donkey?' One team answered with 'Apollo Creed knows the answer to this one'. The quiz-master deemed this to be correct, but the other teams objected. The organisers have said that the burden of proof is on these teams to show that Apollo Creed doesn't know the answer. One of them produced a letter signed by Apollo Creed that just said 'no'. They insisted that this was all the proof required, despite claims that over sixty percent of the town's inhabitants can write someone else's name and the word 'no'. Someone claiming to be Apollo Creed arrived in the town last Thursday and said he does know the answer and he is definitely Apollo Creed. Many people claimed he wasn't really Apollo Creed and he was wearing the costume of one of the three wise men from the Christmas pageant. When asked what the answer is he said, "I don't know." The organisers of the table quiz have released a statement saying that the real Apollo Creed will be making an appearance in the town hall on Friday evening, and he'll give a talk outlining exactly when the donkey was seen. Also due to speak on the night is the pirate who was found on the banks of the river recently. When asked if he was looking forward to his speech he said, "I'll, I'll... with rum and a dog dog dog. Who are you?" He has a habit of repeating words and saying 'who are you?'. 23/January/2006 - 30/January/2006 On Wednesday, the Town Council will vote on the Mayor's plan to change the calendar in Mizzenwood. Under the proposal, the months of August and September will change places to give the town its own unique character. The Mayor has said, "It'd be like putting a feather in a hat, or a Doberman in a coal shed." In response to suggestions that the only purpose of this is to confuse his Doberman, the Mayor said, "No no no no no. It's ludicrous to suggest that I have the slightest interest in proving I'm more intelligent than the Doberman." Local writer, Milly Sunmay, will be signing copies of her debut novel, 'My Hatty I Lost at the Races' on Friday afternoon. Milly has said she's very grateful for all the support she received from Olivia Sleeve, Mizzenwood's most famous author. She's denied reports that if you read the book backwards you'll find a message saying she's actively trying to find out who stole her hat at the races and whoever did it will wake up one morning glued to a horse's head. 16/January/2006 - 23/January/2006 Mizzenwood came to national attention recently when a stone-age man was found living in a caravan just outside the town. The man, who was given the name Surly, quickly integrated into the social life of the town, and on Saturday he'll be marrying a local girl. He's said to be pessimistic about the chances of a successful marriage. There may very well be another prominent wedding in the town this week, as the race to buy Brainey D'Fawn's roof ladder nears its end. When Brainey put the ladder on sale, the price tag just contained the words 'Shotgun Wedding'. There are numerous groups around the town trying to arrange a shotgun wedding to buy the ladder, and two of them are said to be very close to their goal. One group set out to arrange the marriage between two animals, but so far they've failed. A member of this group told us, "We've had many, many, many 'Romeo and Juliet' scenarios. When you have a gun in your hand and you see an animal of any sort in the woods, it's very difficult to say to yourself, 'I'm doing this to arrange their marriage.' But in a way, it's what they'd want." 9/January/2006 - 16/January/2006 Friday afternoon is the deadline for Brack Store-Bay to remove his vampire's shed from the land behind the leisure centre. The land is owned by the town, and the Town Council want to create a new car park there. Brack says his vampire is very upset with this latest ultimatum, and there will be serious consequences if anyone tries to knock his shed down. A big crowd are expected at the site on Friday afternoon. The annual Miss Mizzenwood pageant will take place in the Town Hall on Saturday night. A law dating back to the origins of the contest stipulated that all contestants have to be able to play the harp, but those missing a limb were excused. This favoured contestants who had lost an arm, or even a leg. As a result of this, the interpretation of 'playing' the harp has been relaxed over the years. Every year the judges issue guidelines to indicate what they would accept from the harpists. Animals cannot be harmed, but they can be dressed up in ethnic costumes, preferrably Irish clothes. The current Miss Mizzenwood, Debbie and her leprechaun cat, will be there to crown her successor on Saturday night. 2/January/2006 - 9/January/2006 A snooker tournament will begin in the snooker club on Saturday morning. This year it's been combined with a Jim Morrison look-alike contest. Many contestants have pointed out that this poses a dilemma for them. They say that Jim Morrison would be too 'off his head' to be any good at snooker. No one is planning in going as a sober Jim Morrison. Last year's winner drank a bottle of whiskey and sang a Bryan Adams song. Because of the Capital of Culture celebrations last year, the pantomime was dropped in favour of an opera, and it finally gets underway in the Lingua Pingu theatre this week, after numerous delays because of casting problems. According to the director, the opera is about throwing a megaphone at something after realising it doesn't work. After much searching, he finally found a cast willing to have things thrown at them. Some critics have already pointed out that a cast happy to have things thrown at them might work in a pantomime, but not in an opera. The director has insisted that they're just as intelligent as the people who set things on fire in his last opera. |
