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29/December/2008 - 5/January/2009 Brainey D'Fawn is holding a party in his casino on New Year's Eve. His cousin Peter will be there to do his impression of fireworks. It's said to be so realistic that animals flee in terror from him. The Town Council have come up with a plan to deal with job losses in the construction industry. They've given their approval to a building that serves no purpose. Local school kids have been asked to submit designs, on the condition that they refrain from being realistic. The Mayor hopes that the building will become a tourist attraction. 22/December/2008 - 29/December/2008 On Christmas Eve the church choir will be singing carols in the park. In accordance with tradition, Santa and his elves will be there, and people will chase them around the park and try to put ferrets into their costumes. The man chosen to be Santa tried to escape last week, but he was captured in the woods. On Saint Stephen's Day a group of Wren Boys will be chased around the town by the creatures from their hallucinations. They hope to make these hallucinations more vivid by spending most of Christmas Day drinking the contents of Elmo Duckleary's 'mystery' bin. 15/December/2008 - 22/December/2008 A modern re-working of the Nativity Play will be performed by school kids before mass this Sunday. Joseph is an advertising executive who's fallen on hard times in the credit crunch. The shepherds are Latvian maids. The Three Wise Men are rappers. Apparently their break-dancing routine is well worth seeing. Itchy Mulcahy has made his Christmas experience more exciting by getting all of the elves to dress up in red Santa costumes and putting Phil the Fluter's Bull into the field. So far this has kept most of his customers away. 8/December/2008 - 15/December/2008 The Mizzenwood Handball Association will be holding their annual handball tournament this week. In accordance with tradition, no handball will be played. Entrants will make written submissions. A committee will spend the week deciding the results based on these submissions. Flipper Hanrahan is the best handball player in Mizzenwood, but his handwriting is terrible, so you can get odds of 20-1 on him winning. A jumble sale will take place in the community centre on Sunday evening. Santa will be making an appearance, as will Sinky Eggsullivan, who'll be trying to stuff a picnic rug up his nose. 1/December/2008 - 8/December/2008 Itchy Mulcahy will be re-opening his 'Christmas Experience' this week. He says he's made significant improvements. It used to be little more than a dog who was determined to eat all of his fake reindeer antlers and some fake snow in a field with actors in egg costumes standing around doing nothing. These actors didn't make it into the pantomime. They were told they had too many eyes, but it's impossible to tell because of the egg costumes. The Mayor will be turning on the Christmas lights on Friday evening. He says he's personally overseen the breaking of certain lights to remove letters from obscene words, so that when they're illuminated they'll spell family-friendly words, like 'ucking'. 24/November/2008 - 1/December/2008 As part of their clampdown on drink driving and drunken behaviour this Christmas, the local police will be hiding in red boxes covered in white question marks. Mrs. Judobulb will be holding a party in her shop tomorrow evening to launch her new range of crisps, which she calls 'Solid Crisps'. She says her dog can sit on a bag and not break any of the crisps inside. Some people have suggested that 'Solid Crisps' is a typo and that the bags were meant to say 'Soiled Crisps'. 17/November/2008 - 24/November/2008 Jameson Obnoghuas will be giving memory classes in the Town Hall. The first one is on Wednesday evening. He says he'll make you remember everything you've forgotten, including all of the memories that have been erased, such as the memory of the day the aliens invaded. Because of the earth's gravity, all of the aliens' trousers fell down when they emerged from their space ships. This is why they erased our memories and left the planet, according to Jameson. He dismisses the claims made by Monica Breetoad-Riley, who's been squeezing Martians for years. 10/November/2008 - 17/November/2008 The weather forecasters will be going into the woods to look for signs that will tell them what the weather will be like this winter. It'll be cold if they see a certain sequence of squirrels (a happy squirrel followed by a quizzical squirrel, and then a mischievous one, a dizzy squirrel, a crying squirrel and finally a squirrel reclining on a sofa of bark and moss). 3/November/2008 - 10/November/2008 Polly 'Billyball' Polly has written this year's Christmas pantomime, 'The Chicken and the Egg'. The original version of the pantomime was just a chicken fighting an egg for two hours. Now it's twenty chickens fighting twenty eggs. Open auditions will take place in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Saturday morning. Brainey D'Fawn's casino will be re-opening tonight. He finally found his keys. He says he bought a bird key ring that flew away with the keys. 27/October/2008 - 3/November/2008 Freda Mogginpie has rounded up all of her bullies again. She'll be dressing them up in costumes and parading them through the town on Halloween night. She says she'll set them free again if anyone laughs at her dog's ghost costume. The bad Santa will be making his way around the town on Halloween. If anyone needs to be poked in the eye by a trained professional, you're sure to find the bad Santa outside the Town Hall, where old furniture will be left for him to start a fire. 20/October/2008 - 27/October/2008 Biddy Plomp will be taking her spot around the town this week. You can stand on her spot for a fee of five euros a minute. Biddy says it's so much fun you'll wet yourself, but if you wet the spot as well there's a charge of fifty euros. Harry Scaryberrball will be playing in the Bluebell-Beakroy Arts Centre on Tuesday evening. He'll be performing songs from his new album, 'Cigarette Songs and Raspberry Pimples'. If you want to complain about his songs there's some paper stuck to his donkey's back. You can write on that, but don't write on the donkey. 13/October/2008 - 20/October/2008 Dennis Tradscrewbowl will be demonstrating his magic magnets in the Town Hall on Wednesday evening. He claims that the magnets can exert a powerful influence on people's souls. A former audience member gave up robbing banks and became a monk after the magnets were used on him. Dennis denies reports that he also made a monk take up robbing banks. Slackey Mountstickey is launching an expedition to find a lost village on the mountainside. His grandfather told him about this place where people had enormous noses, so big that bees built hives in them. The inhabitants of the village just had to blow their noses to get honey. Slackey will be trying to find the village by singing. 6/October/2008 - 13/October/2008 Hetty Blanchboat used to write an advice column for The Mizzenwood Times, but she left because of a disagreement over the word 'rhubarb'. She's just announced that she'll still shout advice at you if you shout a question at her. You can call at any time to make an appointment. Your call will be answered by a pigeon. A horse fair will take place in the park on Saturday. All sorts of horses will be there, from chocolate ones to pantomime horses filled by men who think they're kangaroos. 29/September/2008 - 6/October/2008 Lottie Quiglug's sad birds will be attacking Harry Potter all this week, even though he denies being Harry Potter. He says he's just a man who hammers telephones into the wall. Bluddy Strawberry and the Strawberry Snorklers will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Saturday night. They'll be giving out bottles of peanuts and spiders. 22/September/2008 - 29/September/2008 The Stateyourbusinessandgetouts will be playing in the Alcehole Bar on Friday night. They'll be performing their new single, 'I Think I Just Killed Chunky's Donkey'. The lead singer wrote this song. It's about his wedding day. Isobel Shinhobbert is having a wine-tasting event at her 'vineyard' on Saturday afternoon. She claims that her latest batch of wine is so strong it'll make you believe that robots are sticking pins into your legs. 15/September/2008 - 22/September/2008 In the Town Hall on Wednesday evening, Tapgreycoat McGrath will be giving a lecture on his investigation into the strange events that happen in the field behind his house. Last Christmas it rained onions there. William Saintbuddelgun's latest orchestral work will be premiered in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday evening. He started composing after an angel appeared to him and said he'd been given the hands of Handel. He switches his brain off and lets his hands do all the work. While composing this piece he was arrested for shoplifting. 8/September/2008 - 15/September/2008 Macbeth K Megadeth will be performing his latest play in the new Bluebell-Beakroy Arts Centre all this week. He'll be playing five characters. The play is set in a place called Troutidiotland, where people eat guitars and play fish. Dogs are made out of treacle and honey, but no one eats them. They use dogs as light bulbs instead. Brainey D'Fawn is having a comedy night in his casino this Friday. Top of the bill is Joan Gooncroodle. Brainey says that if you don't laugh your head off he'll give you enough free drink to make it roll off and fall down a hole, and he'll give it back to you in a box on your way out. 1/September/2008 - 8/September/2008 Alan Grownkoala has set up a company called Traitor Bee. The news rabbits on the radio have claimed that they launched an undercover investigation into the activities of Traitor Bee and they found that his anti-bee stance is really just a way to hide his vendetta against rabbits. He has admitted that he's the author of the book 'Wicked Rabbit Dies In Tragic "Accident"', but he claims that the quotation marks around 'Accident' were put there by mistake, and that this error strongly influenced people's perception of the book. He believes that many of its critics haven't even read the book because they're only able to quote chapter titles such as 'Don't scream now, because it'll be much hotter in hell, wicked rabbit', or 'The time I killed a wicked rabbit with a paper clip'. On Tuesday evening Alan will have an open night in his business so people can see for themselves that no anti-rabbit activity takes place behind the scenes. 25/August/2008 - 1/September/2008 Freddie Goemurphy's stamp exhibition continues all this week in the gallery. His brother Alan (or 'Alien', as he likes to be known) has written his memoirs in the form of twenty-seven songs. Some of these songs are nearly three hours long. His niece, Jenny, will be performing the first one in the Lingua Pingu theatre on Tuesday evening. He's been writing songs about his life since he was three years old. The song Jenny will be performing recounts the events from his conception up until the day he wrote his first song, which was called 'What do we do when the hermits die?'. It was about the time his grandfather mistakenly believed he'd killed a hermit. 25/August/2008 - 1/September/2008 In the Young Ledwing-Glass Memorial gallery on Wednesday evening Freddie Goemurphy will be launching an exhibition of stamps he created to commemorate the important events in his life. Some of these events aren't real, like the time he invented his own brand of quick sand. The stamp depicts Sinky Sullivan testing the sand. Most of the stamps commemorate real events, such as the time he invented a robot that could spit out its own tongue (this robot was effectively a gun), or the time he starred in a film about writing on people's faces. Lorry Owl Lorry Owl Lorry Owl will be playing in Standy Parsons nightclub on Friday night. They'll be performing songs from their latest album, 'The Grey Ears of Normality'. 18/August/2008 - 25/August/2008 On Saturday afternoon the local primary school will be holding a garden party in their grounds to raise money for the delivery of a new classroom. The school principal has confirmed that this year they'll be staging the ever-popular Shetland pony race. All of the jockeys are teddy bears. Last year one of them was suspended for over-use of the whip. There will be many games for kids, such as 'Guess the weight of the hamster' or 'Find the invisible cat before he scratches your neck'. 11/August/2008 - 18/August/2008 Last year Icy Sheehan went to see some scientists screech their heads off and this inspired him to conduct experiments in physics. He'll be demonstrating his findings outside his shed on Wednesday evening. He promises it will be just as entertaining as his experiments with zebra-alligators. A table quiz will be held in the Alcehole bar on Friday night. The quiz master is Paul Bullinglag, who's been wearing his glasses inside his eyes for the past few months. He says it's given him a different perspective on the world, and the questions he's come up with are different to the questions he asked at previous table quizzes. In the past, people struggled to answer questions like 'That's a pony'. 4/August/2008 - 11/August/2008 The Mizzenwood Historical Society will be having a cheese and wine night in the function room above Murphy's bar on Thursday night. There will be a raffle. The winner will get some of Kicky Digginant's shoes. Kicky Digginant has too many shoes in his pillow. A dance contest will be held in the sports centre on Friday night. You're only allowed use your fingers and your nose. You'll be disqualified if you put something into your ears, even if it is just your fingers. 28/July/2008 - 4/August/2008 A hunt will begin in the field behind Solid Doolan's pub on Saturday morning. Instead of hunting a fox, they'll be tracking down Billy Butterkicker's runaway bride. According to Billy, her name is Yug, and she likes it when you throw peanuts at her head. Brainey D'Fawn is holding a beauty contest in his casino on Saturday night. Contestants will need a doctor's certificate to prove they are a woman. Brainey's cousin, Slinky, is a qualified doctor, and he'll be on hand to provide certificates. The ladies will be interviewed by Bud Slootbow. Each interview will last two minutes because Bud can't stay standing for any longer than this. Contestants will be required to demonstrate at least one recognisable talent. This could be anything from singing a song to handling toads. 21/July/2008 - 28/July/2008 The Vikings will be having their annual holiday in Mizzenwood over the next two weeks. They'll be camping in fields outside the town. If you see them in the town you shouldn't touch them, unless instructed to do so. Nancy and the Cough-cats will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Thursday night. They'll be performing songs from their latest album, 'I was definitely standing on something I shouldn't have been standing on'. 14/July/2008 - 21/July/2008 Mindloaf will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Friday night to launch his latest album, 'Wish You Were There'. The album is about the break-up of his marriage. The album includes a Christmas song called 'Snow-woman stabs snowman in the eye with her nose'. The Tour de Mizzenwood gets underway on Saturday. If you want to compete in it, all you'll need is a bike, at least two legs, a fork and a tuxedo for when you cross the finishing line. Organisers have been criticised for starting this year's tour before the end of last year's race, but they hope that those who have been on the course for the past year will put more of an effort into reaching the finishing line if they fear being caught by the latest set of competitors. For the past ten months, waiters have been waiting at the finishing line with glasses of champagne. 7/July/2008 - 14/July/2008 Mizzenwood's annual film festival gets underway today. All of the films in this year's festival have a local flavour. Many focus on local arts and crafts, such as a film called 'Weapons of Mouse De-trousering'. A lot of the film concerns trousering mice. 'K is for Confusion' is a film about the anti-evening class movement. They teach people how to un-learn things. Supporters of the evening classes say you'll only end up getting your ears stuck in things you've learnt to avoid getting your ears stuck in. 30/June/2008 - 7/July/2008 Brainey D'Fawn has organised a speed-dating session for his casino on Thursday evening. He went to one himself. He said, "It only confirmed what I already knew about women: that twenty percent of them will throw potatoes at me when I talk about their face. It's the one percent who'll offer you a potato that makes it all worthwhile." Party Flaherty is throwing a party in his house on Friday evening. He says it will be the party to end all parties and a few sheep. He's also asked us to point out that all of the guests are more than welcome to touch him. 23/June/2008 - 30/June/2008 The athletics meet will be held on Saturday afternoon. Many local athletes will be hoping to achieve Olympic qualification. Budgie Claregalway is willing to compete in the Olympics in any of the events she's entered. She's entered every event. She says she's confident that her secret weapon will bring her success. Some people have speculated that this secret weapon is just the nail scissors she uses to threaten other competitors. Big time boxing comes to Mizzenwood on Saturday evening when Bruce 'The Liar' Scattergum takes on his arch-rival, Keith 'The Dead Eskimo' Pesterfall in Brainey D'Fawn's casino. Their last fight ended in a draw. They tried to settle it by seeing which one of them could fly the furthest. Keith won, but only because he fell off a two-storey building, whereas Bruce just fell off a chair. 16/June/2008 - 23/June/2008 A tennis tournament begins today on Lord Boolsupper's old lawn tennis courts. The courts have been hidden beneath woodland for over a century. In some places the woodland is so thick that you can't even see your opponent, let alone hit them with a tennis ball. On Wednesday evening there will be a meeting in the town hall to discuss what to do about time, after it was found that time is moving much quicker in the west side of the town. It has been suggested that shooting time will not slow it down, but experiments will continue until conclusive evidence is found. Giddy Hammer claims that you'll only speed time up if you shoot it in the ass. He speaks from personal experience. He's been banned from the meeting in case he shows his scars again. 9/June/2008 - 16/June/2008 On Saturday afternoon the Historical Society will be recreating The Battle of the Two Spoons in the fields around the lake. The battle took place in 1837. When the battle began the only weapons involved were two spoons, but it soon escalated. According to a local historian one of the armies in the battle hired the services of a man with iron feet and a single eye that was as bright as the sun. The Historical Society has splintered into two groups as a result of a dispute concerning this battle. The breakaway group claim that only one spoon was involved, and they'll be recreating their version of the battle at the same time in the same place. Most people believe they'll lose the argument because they only have one spoon, but the outcome could hinge on the ability of both groups to find a man with iron feet. 2/June/2008 - 9/June/2008 A 'Hire an aunt' service will be officially launched on Thursday evening. The owners of the company will be having a party in their offices to celebrate. We asked one of the owners about the service and he said, "There are many cosmic reasons why you'd need to hire an aunt. Isn't that your car on fire?" A band called 'Thud Thud Thud, Fortune' will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Friday night. They'll be performing songs from their latest album, 'The Year Behind Your Ear'. 26/May/2008 - 2/June/2008 A fashion show for people with claws will take place in the Town Hall on Tuesday evening. The organisers stress that the emphasis is on claws, not paws. The Tidy Towns committee are getting ready for the Tidy Towns Competition this year. On Saturday morning they'll be cleaning snails, and they've asked local people for their help. They recommend cleaning the snails with tooth brushes. They ask people to wait until afterwards before brushing your teeth, as the toothpaste may harm the snails. 19/May/2008 - 26/May/2008 Rocket Wothcoddle will be enacting his latest stunt in the park on Saturday evening. He'll be using a motorbike to jump over Christmas. He's given very little information about the nature of the jump. All he'll say is that it will involve some busses but he won't say how many. The number could be anything between zero and twelve. When he jumped over March it turned out to be a wheelbarrow full of compost, some old newspapers burning in a barrel and a goat eating a hat. Jeff Prayringle will be teaching brides how to be taller in the church on Saturday afternoon. 12/May/2008 - 19/May/2008 You can meet a monkey whisperer in the Town Hall on Wednesday evening. He demonstrates his ability on cats because he rarely meets monkeys. It doesn't work on the cats. If you have any cats that you'd like him to communicate with as if they were a monkey then you should bring them along on Tuesday evening. 5/May/2008 - 12/May/2008 A wife-pointing contest takes place in Brainey D'Fawn's casino on Friday night. There will be cardboard cut-outs of women placed around the casino. You'll be disqualified if you point at someone else's wife or at a cardboard cut-out, unless your wife is made out of cardboard. You're only allowed bring one wife. Billy 'Nothing Really Matters' Twomey has built a new golf course on his farm, but his course is designed for a sport he invented himself. It's called ball-less golf. You can carry up to fifteen sticks in your bag, but you don't use any balls. There are many bunkers on the course, so you'll never be too far away from a place to take cover from machine gun fire. Most of the bunkers were created by artillery fire. If you make it as far as the hole at the end of each fairway, you'll find a tunnel to the next tee. The course will be officially opened by the mayor on Saturday afternoon. 28/April/2008 - 5/May/2008 'Knit your own poodle' classes begin in the town hall on Wednesday evening. The teacher is Amanda Tweenlawn. The poodles are so realistic they'll try to have sex with your leg if you knit them the appropriate organs. Amanda recommends knitting appropriate organs instead of inappropriate ones. She tells a story about a man who knitted a hamster as sexual organs for his poodle. The dog was very confused. So was the hamster, and so was the cat the poodle tried to mate with. The cat was knitted as well. It had tiny pigs for ears. She says she's knitted everything from wedding cakes to her own hair, but now she uses molds for her hair. After filling her hair with gel she places the mold on top. The mold is concealed within a top hat. Five hours later she'll have her new hair style. Her hair is currently shaped like a sailing ship. She's hoping to teach these methods in a course later this year. It will be called 'Kit your own noodle'. 21/April/2008 - 28/April/2008 A version of animal farm with humans gets underway in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday evening. The writer thought that the idea of animals taking over a farm was just too unbelievable, so he's written a version based on personal experience. In his version the humans live in sheds and they take over the farm from robots. A confectionary convention will take place in the Town Hall on Saturday. Couples are welcome to view the range of edible wedding rings. There will also be a demonstration of how much chocolate a giraffe could eat before getting sick. Lobby Conlon will be representing the giraffe. 14/April/2008 - 21/April/2008 The Historical Society will be giving a tour of the graveyard at midnight on Friday. They hope to meet some of the ghosts that have been seen in the graveyard over the past few months. One local woman claims to have seen the ghosts of Captain Kirk and the entire crew of the Enterprise. Her husband claims he was abducted and taken away on the Enterprise, where embarrassing tests were performed on him. The Historical Society are hoping that the ghosts will provide an insight into what it was like to live in Mizzenwood in times past. They hope that even Captain Kirk and his crew will be able to shed some light on this area. 7/April/2008 - 14/April/2008 The Human Lightning Conductors will hold their annual general meeting in the community centre on Friday evening. They dress like conductors from an orchestra, and they hold long metal batons to attract the lightning. None of them have actually been struck by lightning yet. The club's president said it's more about the spirit of being struck by lightning, rather than the practise. In practise they play pool and make their own wine. The annual swimming race will take place in the lake on Saturday afternoon. If a swimmer gets eaten by the monster they'll get a special consolation prize, as long as they come out the other end of the monster. 31/March/2008 - 7/April/2008 Flower arranging classes will begin in the Town Hall on Wednesday evening. After a brief introductory speech the class will go outside to explore the town. The teacher is a minimalist who doesn't believe in using flowers. Instead he puts a single spoon on the roof of a red car. It can take him hours to get it right. Mizzenwood's hurling team will be playing Ballydeelin on Saturday evening. The game sees the return of our star full-forward, Arrow Mulligan. Arrow found a golden ticket that purportedly granted him a tour of a chocolate factory in Monaghan. He spent three months looking for the factory. Ballydeelin GAA club are suspected of involvement, but they have vehemently denied this charge. 24/March/2008 - 31/March/2008 A fingernail painting contest takes place in the Town Hall on Saturday afternoon. Last year's contest was won by a woman who painted a version of The Last Supper. The faces of Jesus and the twelve apostles were painted on her fingernails, and her fingers wore their clothes. She had to use some of her sister's fingers to make up the numbers. Her sister's raised middle finger was Judas. An ice cream van demolition derby will take place in the field next to the GAA grounds on Sunday afternoon. The winner will be the van that can still play its music at the end. The favourite is Bob Shootruffle. His van's music is performed by his kids in the back of the van. 17/March/2008 - 24/March/2008 Mizzenwood native Willie 'Free' Whelehan will be appearing on national TV at eight o' clock on Tuesday evening. He'll be featured in a documentary about people who have attempted to post themselves to America. Councillor Freda Seagulliver has invited the Easter Bunny to appear in the Town Hall on Sunday afternoon. Many people claimed to have seen the Easter Bunny around the town after the pubs have closed. Councillor Seagulliver insists that these sightings aren't genuine. She says that the real Easter Bunny has exceptionally large eyebrows. 10/March/2008 - 17/March/2008 The annual leprechaun hunt takes place on Saturday afternoon. Most of the participants use it as an excuse to hunt down the giant blue rabbits who follow them home from the pub. Others chase the Smurfs that have been living in the woods for the past few years. The Saint Patrick's Day parade will begin at the Town Hall at eleven o' clock. This year organisers have decided to give the prize to the worst float instead of the best one. The winning float in last year's parade was an unconscious man on a trailer. Interest in the parade has increased dramatically ever since it was announced that the prize would go to the worst float. There are seven times as many entries this year. Bally Cambell is said to be doing something with butter milk and a Pink Floyd tribute band. 3/March/2008 - 10/March/2008 The Captain's Harm Band will be playing in the Alcehole bar on Friday night. The Captain and his band are all former sailors. Their songs tell tales of their adventures on the seas, being attacked by a giant squid, getting into fights in foreign ports, and getting their photo taken with Liz Hurley. A human Scrabble tournament will take place in the park on Saturday afternoon. Certain words will be forbidden this year. If a word wouldn't be allowed on TV before the watershed, then it won't be permitted in the contest. Spelling the word 'sex' isn't a valid excuse for a threesome. 25/February/2008 - 3/March/2008 A play about the life of Joan of Arc begins in the Lingua Pingu Theatre on Thursday evening. The director told us that it was impossible to cover all of her life. There's a need to focus on the main events, and he's decided to focus on the most important event of all. The play is almost entirely about her conception. A quiz called 'Try to remember what Brendan Biscuit said' takes place in the Town Hall on Saturday evening. Brendan Biscuit said a lot of things when he spoke for three hours at the ceremony to turn on the Christmas lights. His speech covered many topics, such as his theories on why the aliens he met disguised themselves as characters from Miami Vice, why you should say the word 'swish' for health reasons, and why it's more humane to kill flies when they're drunk. 18/February/2008 - 25/February/2008 A language for giving directions has developed in Mizzenwood. This language consists mostly of local slang. Olivia Sleeve has written a book for tourists that translates phrases such as 'Go to Reddy Bucket and ask if the stamp marbles have come back from Hetty's temper van'. This phrase has led many innocent tourists into trouble over the years. It's a reflection of how easy it is to insult Reddy Bucket. The book will be launched in the library on Friday afternoon. The local tree-climbing club, who call themselves The Squirrels, have started a jazz band. They'll be playing their first gig in the woods on Friday night. They started the band because one of them was able to climb a tree with a double bass strapped to his back. As he pointed out himself, Superman might be able to do this, and maybe Wonder Woman, but Matlock couldn't do it, and neither could Skippy. The other members of The Squirrels followed his example and brought instruments with them, and they started playing when they got to the tops of the trees. 11/February/2008 - 18/February/2008 On Friday night the golf club will be holding a party in memory of all the people who've fallen through the holes in the floor of their clubhouse, and all of the people who are stuck in the clubhouse bunker (which is really just a cloak room). The club's president said they'd do as much as possible to make the people in the holes and in the bunker feel part of the festivities. A Kung Fu Scrabble tournament takes place in the sports centre this Saturday. Last year's winner, Billy Mountglutton, has been practising the word 'stevedore' for months. He's sent four people to hospital while practising his spelling. 4/February/2008 - 11/February/2008 The gun club will be taking out the Christmas lights this week. You're advised to stay well away from any flashing lights and try to avoid using the indicators on your car. A robot choir will be performing in the park on Saturday afternoon. Members of the gun club are asked to stay away from the area. The robots will be dressed as characters from the film Fame. 28/January/2008 - 4/February/2008 Mitzy Trucklorry's circus is coming to town this week. Amongst the attractions are a bi-lingual Yeti, cowboy clowns who can be screwed into the ground, vampire grasshoppers, and a trapeze artist who's wanted in Germany for fraud. Iffy and the But-Buts will be playing in Standy Parsons Nightclub on Thursday night. This is their first gig since their guitarist recovered his wooden leg. He was unable to leave the house without it. He carries it with him everywhere he goes. He thinks that if he didn't have the leg he'd be attacked by birds. 21/January/2008 - 28/January/2008 Coldus Squinney will be giving a lecture on body language in the Town Hall on Tuesday evening. As part of his demonstration, he'll be bitten by a badger. Popsichord will be launching their debut album in Drumpanzee's record store this Friday afternoon. The album was delayed because of a national tour that went on for two years. Most of that time was spent looking at their hands in a forest in Leitrim. They were wearing gloves that made their hands invisible. The album's title, 'Hands Off', is a reference to this time. 14/January/2008 - 21/January/2008 An exhibition of paintings by Felix Topspout will begin in the Young Ledwing-Glass Memorial Gallery this week. Felix created his paintings by explaining to the canvas what he'd like it to look like. Sometimes these explanations went on for hours. You have to look very closely at the canvas, and consider it very carefully, to infer the nature and content of the explanation. The curator says that the exhibition reflects Felix's belief that each canvas is a living creature with its own personality, and this demonstrates the extraordinary power of his imagination. A body painting contest will take place in the gallery on Friday night. This year the organisers have stipulated that 'body' does not mean 'corpse'. 7/January/2008 - 14/January/2008 A new literary club called Wonderbrow has been formed. The name is meant to dispel fears that they're too high brow. To mark their foundation, they've organised a poetry contest. You have to include the line 'The alien was strangling me, strangling me, so I picked up a bottle...'. Following Day takes place on Saturday. You can follow whoever you like with the excuse that you're doing it for charity. On the following day, those who were followed can hunt down those who followed them. 31/December/2007 - 7/January/2008 A basketball team called the Mizzenwood Dartists has recently been established. The name reflects their origins as a splinter group from the local darts team. On Saturday morning they'll be holding trials in the sports centre. 'Lynchie' Lynch will not be allowed use his stilts, despite his assurances that he only intends to use them as weapons. That might be acceptable in darts, but not in basketball. |
