I utterly love you, shaken to the very height and depth of reality, brinking the edges of heaven and hell. I am totally beyond "normal" constraints here and what i feel is absolute.
Doctors come, doctors go
Fever climbs, mood swings
I lack strength,
I gain a little
Mind fails
The physio is attending daily..my personal torturer..including Saturdaya nd Sunday. No respite, no surcease from the pain the invades my very insides. Tip me over piled pillows, head to one side, fevered cheek resting against icy cheek.... breathe in...hold.. bretahe out and pounding.... Coughing until I heave. Hate it when my motehr is right.. *s* still! Put up with the torture because it is this or hospital and a tube to stop me drwoning in my own fluid.
I hate being ill!
I wake...glance at the clock, sip water, lay down again. And my every thought centres around you, binds me closer. I castigate myself for burdening you with the love that flows from me for you so simply so easily. It is obvious to me that this is not what you want. I am not what you want. I should have listened more to what you DID or DIDN'T instead of clinging to what you SAID and what I wanted to believe. It is patently obvious you don't wnat me. I MUST face this and deal with this. And accept this. I cry tears, and have cried mroe than you can guess or imagine.
My knowing of this began with Christmas. You love me - but NOT enough. There is no easy way to face this.. I have cried my tears. And I have chosen to blindly go ahead believing in soemthing that exists only in my dreams. Oh I am so sorry. I who know you better than you know yourself should have spared you and stepped away ans saved us both this. Instead I have clung on and loved steadfastly with all I am and all I can
But me loviong is not enough. It has to be us both. I think now, as I sit here, still so much a part of you as I always am, and always will be...missing you so intensely it is like a metallic taste underscoring my very existence,....you...where...how...
God I miss you!
I reach out
ache
need
want
My love does not change. It IS. Now. Has been. Will be.
How will I survive this I have initiated and what will I find at the end?
I just got off the phone ...talking to Mum and I told her I have tried to not talk to you... stretching ahead 14 days, she said she can see how hard this is for me.
She knows.
She knows how much you mean to me.
Everyone knows. Do you know>
Do you have any idea how much this lack of contact is hurting me?
You are the only joy I have ever known
Still I try...
This love between us wa never
Meant to die
No matter what I will not say
Goodbye.
Despite what seems...
There are some things in this life
that cannot be denied
This love is one of those
The more I know of you
the more sure I am
I want you forever more
and though it seems otehrwise
my love remains.
I am always strong when you are beside me. I could never make it alone.
