Every love song, fairy tale, every myth that promised me a happy ending - lied!! Every dream I dreamed is lost... I never thought of contingency plans. Nor can I constantly live in far... so I built my love without fear and elft me open for this terrible agony. My world does not make sense. I am the fool that stands at the edgeof the cliff and looks over at the depth of the chasm. I hesitate... I have looked at the cliff before, not for its height thinking to soar over it, but to find refuge in the darkness of its shadow. I long for the feel of plunging into the chasm and for the ending of my pain. And the cliff looks so appealing when my pain is too great to tolerate.
You have long been my only safety in a world that attacks at times from all sides...these is little peace for me here, and in you I have lost my only refuge. I am open now to the owlrd and all it flings. Where can I stand so I can rest a while as the seas of turmoil move around and over me??
Words have become totally inadequate, trivailand even untrue. I have been exposed now to every lie we live while we exist. The shock I am feeling is that frozen moment in time when I last looked in your eyes before you walked out of that door and said "See you some time." And I died.
Logic is ridiculous and unnatural. It is likebeing on drugs where boundaries vanish and perception melts. Nothing makes sense. Words are dwarfed by the huge mountains of my feelings. I want to say I am sorry.. and I could say I miss you but that is like complaining about phnatom pains in a leg which has been amputated. Complaining is too small a gesture for what I need to express. I could say I feel guilty, because I cannot now be there, but what good does that do?? I could tell you I want to die because you are not here but this is too revealing. You see I want this option left open to me. I couldhave said some smallpart of me was relieved because there was pain in our loving as well as growth. We are more catalysts, as well as companions. How can relief exist in the same state as this terrible longing I have for you? I could say I hate you for letting me go, for deserting me when I need you most of all...but that is rubbing salt in my own open wound. I do all this alone. In private.
I stand here looking at a photo of you clutched in my hand. My heart leaps... I turn on this PC at odd hours. I expect soemthing., and there is nothing. I wonder if you look for me soemtimes... here is no sign.. not a single reassurance that I have ever mattered.
Will it touch you to know I am furious at you for meting me go?? I trusted you TO NEVER let me go. You swore you would never fail me and you have. Do you have a heart? Some song I heard soemtime in my past.. a lyric that replays ovwr in my head...
"Freedom's just anotehr word for nothing left to lose..."
What more can life take from me?? I miss your plausible explanations.. I miss even you avoidance of truths.. I misss....you.
I have this huge gaping hole inside, an emptiness open that is dragging me into it.. silent and unresisting. I dared to love you and make you a part ofmyself, and now a huge part of me is missing.
